This week the Jersey Girls get even more Jersey-centric. Let’s just cut to the chase…btw, absolutely NSFW or anyone really.

Q: Dear Girls, I spent a drunken night with this girl at my college and 6 days later I get this text that says, “I knew I should’ve made you wear a condom. Something just doesn’t feel right.” What the hell does that mean? Am I gonna be a papa or did I give her the herpes I thought my last girlfriend was joking about? Help?

A: Let’s start dealing with this clusterfuck by saying that you, my friend, are an idiot. No amount of alcohol or drugs or stupidity or “passion” is a good enough excuse to raw dog some chick who you know so little about that your main form of communication with her is text. She’s right; she should have made you wear a condom. You’re both irresponsible morons. However, truth be told, if you’re an irresponsible moron…so are we. People fuck up, its part of human nature. We’d be liars if we said we didn’t have those few days after “Aunt Flo” was supposed to come to town where we thought that maybe she missed her flight and we were left contemplating pushing each other down a few steep flights of stairs. That being said, we will spare you the lecture and just tell you to think long and hard about those pictures they forced you to look at in 6th grade health class. Grossest. Thing. Ever. That guys shit on his dick had some shit on its dick, ya heard? Stop being dumb and invest in a box of condoms. Keep the directions to ensure your drunk ass doesn’t “forget” how they work.

Ok, now. We’re ready to take the heat from some of our female readers with this one, but we’re calling this girls bluff. She’s killing two birds with one stone here. First, she has an excuse to contact you after you so obviously hit it and quit it. Secondly, she’s doing damage control. Chances are she’s feeling remorseful and stupid for having unprotected sex with you, and definitely doesn’t want you to think she’s the “kind of girl” that does this all the time. The truth of the matter is that 6 days is way to soon to think she’s pregnant or see most symptoms of an STD. What doesn’t “feel right” is her conscience. When sobriety hits you’re both left with the harsh reality that something may have gone awry.

Here’s the not-so-fun-part, whether she’s bullshitting or not your going to have to man up and get all supportive. If God forbid something is wrong and you blow her off you will look like, or actually be, the biggest asshole in the world. Don’t text her back; call her to show that you’re serious. Assure her that you’re clean (you are clean, right?) and just let her know you’re pretty sure everything’s fine but to call you if she needs anything. We’re betting this broad is an attention seeking wack-a-doo, but it’s best to play it safe. Call this girl and see what the deal is. Good Luck! And wrap it up next time, dummy!

Q: The other night I went home with a fat chick. We messed around all night and I got the best blowjob of my life. When I told my boys, they didn’t seem surprised – apparently it’s common knowledge that fat chicks suck a mean dick. Is this always true?

A: Once upon a time big girls where worshipped for their rubenesque figures, embraced for their natural curves, ample hips and dare we say – FUPA (front upper pussy area, for those who don’t know). Now we praise the 100 pound frame of our favorite A list stars, then we criticize them for becoming too thin – claiming they all have eating disorders (which they do). Then on the complete opposite end of the spectrum – we have fat chicks. Who are judged even more, especially for everything they put in their mouths.

As a former fat chick, I find this completely offensive, but also completely fucking believable. Listen, it ain’t easy for a big girl to snag a dude - and when they finally get their hands on one of those chubby chasers…let’s just say they’ve got a lot built up. Giving this much deserving dude some fantastic dome is just the tip of the iceberg that this girl has had frozen for far too long. Maybe we had a lot of practice with ice cream cones – or maybe this myth isn’t a myth at all. I’m not really sure, I never took a survey – I think it’s in the same category as bears shitting in the woods. It’s inevitable that it will happen.

Just because fat chicks suck mind-blowing cock does not mean you can use them to do so. Taking advantage of her abilities (or possible insecurities) is not fair. Don’t be a douchebag. Don’t talk shit about her with your friends and don’t push your dick in her face. Just because she can doesn’t mean she has too – or should. If anything, share the love brother – this broad clearly deserves hers. The best way to thank her is to return the favor, and then make her a big sandwich.

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I write to you with a dilemma only you guys would have the answers to. I have this girl that I’m really interested in and I know is interested in me. The problem is my buddies and I just got a beach house in Sea Isle at the Jersey Shore for the summer. I’m sure you know where this is going. Do I jump in and hope that she doesn’t catch me between the sheets with a Jersey Sho’ Ho, or tell her straight up, “it’s not going to work out… there’s just too much vagina down the shore for me to be a one woman guy, baby?” Don’t forget, I like her so I want to make the right decision, you know?

A: Decisions, Decisions. You poor thing! Your heart is telling you one thing but your dick is telling you another. You need to ask yourself if you have any intentions of being even the least bit faithful to her. Actually, you said yourself that monogamy isn’t really an option. You’re deciding between trying not to get caught, or being honest and saying you’re not looking for a relationship. You’re admitting that you’re clearly not into this enough to NOT plow through dozens of too-tanned sweet Jersey-fresh ass, why put this girl through the ringer? If you like her just keep in contact with her. You don’t have to pretend to be in a relationship if you have no intentions of following the rules. That’s stupid. Do what you can to make her feel special when she’s around and don’t be a blatant tail-chasing asshole when you’re together. If she’s cool and you prove that you’re worth the wait, she’ll still be around by fall. If you really dig her that much but think she might get away, wifey her up but be ready to kiss your summer of free love goodbye. Be nice but be realistic. You have to try not to get laid at the Jersey shore. Infidelities seem inevitable. What’s the saying? “If you like something enough to keep it around but not enough to not have sex with other people let it go.” [Ed. yes I believe that is the saying.] And if it comes back to you you’re a lucky bastard. That sounds about right!

Q: Dear S & M,
A smokin’ hot chick just came back to Jersey tonight from Providence, how do I get her over to my place?

A: Aww, how sweet! This guy wants to know how to get into our pants. We love this question! Considering how clearly we know our stuff, it couldn’t possibly be all that hard. Just kidding – we’re picky! There’s no way we could divulge such valuable information on the Internet where any ol’ schmo could learn how to effectively woo us, but we’ll share a couple of hints.

First, try um, asking. Maybe you’ll get lucky (not like that!) and you’ll catch us on a good night and we’ll come on over ’cause we feel like it. Secondly, be sweet! Charm us; make us blush a little bit. Anyone who knows us could tell you we put a lot of effort into looking so fancy all the time, let us know you notice. Get us a beer, roll us a joint, truth be told; we’re easily bought. Put a little effort in, smile a lot, have sideburns and possibly a couple of tats. If you’re not hilarious keep on truckin’.

Since we’re both so single it’s disgusting, we’ll make you a deal. We double dog dare you to take us on a date. Ask us out if you think you can handle it. If you’re cool–and especially if you’re not cool–we’ll use it as material for the column. We’re a really good time, trust us! Got what it takes? Leave a comment or email the Dose. Bring a friend if you don’t think you can handle both of us. Things are about to get weird.

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