Many young children dream of one day being president, but those of us who reach adulthood without going through some bizarre, cryptically homoerotic Skull and Bones initiation rite know the chances of that happening are slim. There is, however, a way for average folks like us to share in the presidential spotlight without any of the burdens of money, political connections, a well-run campaign, or a dead hooker-free personal history. Before the votes are cast this November, I hope to live this dream: to be a presidential candidate’s political liability.

Reverend Jeremiah Wright, a humble Southside Chicago preacher, has truly been living the dream. In his wildest fantasies, I’m sure he never imagined that he’d bask in the warm, soul-corroding glow of stardom the way he has in the past few months. In typically schizophrenic fashion, the mass media have condemned his words as antithetical to all that is right and decent in American discourse, while at the same time falling over each other to ensure that his words are shouted to the masses from the highest soapbox in the land. It would be easy to look at this as more evidence of the media abandoning their role as the diligent and responsible Fourth Estate and descending further into cheap, ratings-obsessed self-abasement; I, on the other hand, look at it as an opportunity for personal advancement.

Norman Hsu, Tony Rezko, Ted Hagee: all political liabilities to presidential candidates. However, none of them fully realized the chance they had when their names began popping up in the news. But Wright, there’s a man who can hear opportunity knocking. He’s been all over the country (and your television screen) preaching his message of paranoia, ghetto demagoguery and hope with a level of national attention that would never have been afforded him were he not a major embarrassment for a major presidential candidate. Can a book deal be far behind?

I want in. So starting now, I am offering my services as a political liability for any major presidential candidate. (No third parties, please.) Whether you’re trying to position yourself as the young candidate of change, the experienced political veteran, or the experienced actual veteran, I can bring shame and ignominy to your cause, and force you to awkwardly distance yourself from ridiculous public outbursts for which you bear no responsibility. I don’t charge for my services; my payment will be received in time when my cartoonish public profile nets me a huge publishing advance and/or a job offer from Fox News. In short: you bring the spotlight, and I’ll bring the crazy.

Here is but a sampling of the kind of paranoiac, inflammatory, politically embarrassing balderdash you can look forward to “denouncing and renouncing”:

• “Grape soda was invented by the CIA to spread diabetes in the black community!”

• “Abortion is a woman’s fundamental right to choose, and if those filthy, swarthy Catholics and their Nazi kraut king in the pointy hat can’t accept that, well then maybe they don’t realize that this here country is founded on religious tolerance.”

• “The Jews are the powerful, unseen hand behind a massive financial and media conspiracy that controls the world. That’s why I’m converting to Judaism. L’chaim, my brothers.”
• “George Bush doesn’t care about black people! I mean, really, can you blame him?”
• “A lot of people have been saying that my some of my recent statements raise questions about my views on immigration. So I want to make one thing absolutely clear: I have a deep and abiding hatred of immigrants.”
• “I don’t know what you’re talking about. That bitch was already dead when I got to the motel room.”
• “In economic hard times like these, it’s not surprising that people get bitter. They cling to guns, or religion, or crystal meth, or maybe bludgeon a vagrant to death randomly just to try to feel something, anything, even horror, just to know that somewhere in that inky black void where their soul used to be there’s still a faint echo of humanity lost somewhere in the distance. Oh God, the blood…the blood!”
• “It’s important that we work together to make this country a better place to live for all Americans. Yes, even Asians.”

Any interested candidates can find me on a soapbox in Kennedy Plaza next Friday between 2 and 5 pm, where I will be shouting accusations that the government is actually keeping Osama Bin Laden in captivity at Area 51.

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