As an American, you have probably never heard of the Eurovision Song Contest, the mysteriously enduring annual competition where dated-sounding divas battle wretched crooners and novelty dance acts from across the continent that brought the world cuckoo clocks and Roberto Benigni. Over the years, Eurovision’s birthed a number of really classic three-minute pop songs, like Volare, Waterloo, and Ooh Ahh Just A Little Bit, but the style of the competition is generally at least fifteen to twenty years behind the pop charts. To give you an idea of the hipness quotient in the competition, Celine Dion won it wearing a tutu in 1988 and Katrina and the Waves won in 1997, a good thirteen years after “Walking On Sunshine.”

This year, forty-three countries have sent songs to Belgrade for the competition, and the first semi-final is tonight. (For some reason, they’re having two semi-finals this year to narrow the playing field down from forty-three to twenty-five. Which seems like very little elimination for two days of semi-finals, but what the hell do I know.) After the jump, my thoughts about the first-round competitors, over half of whom will be advancing to the next round.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiW9VM4SHFY]

Stefan Filipović
“Zauvijek Volim Te (Never Forget I Love You)”
Montenegro
Amazingly cheesy, even by Eurovision standards. It reminds me a lot of the part of Boogie Nights where Mark Wahlberg quits porn for a music career.
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWue6qzmGq4]

Boaz
“The Fire In Your Eyes”
Israel
Despite being something of a dreamboat, Boaz represents Israel (which isn’t even European, BTW) with a ballad that sounds whiny and terrible in not one but two languages.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by8veVA59Tc]

Kreisiraadio
Leto Svet
Estonia
A song about Eurovision in Serbian by Estonian comedians, one of whom his country’s version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? It’s cute, but I prefer the jokey self-aware song that’s coming later.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oplwycr3sRc]

Geta Burlacu
A Century of Love
Moldova
Sounding Sade circa “Smooth Operator”, some ladies with berets forgo the special effects in favor of a bubble wand. It’s not gay dance music or a drecky ballad; I like it.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ul3Ls3B6S9s]

Miodio
Complice
San Marino
Not everyone sounds like the dancy pop hits of fifteen years ago. In San Marino, for instance, they’re way more into overblown Verve ballads of fifteen years ago.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg-9X8udn6s]

Ishtar
O Julissis
Belgium
Oddly catchy Serbo-Croatian folk; I like it. Although I have no idea why they’re named after a Dustin Hoffman movie.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTNREz9CVs4]

Elnur & Samir
Day After Day
Azerbaijan
This is TERRIBLE and has angel wings to boot. But the duo has a totally cute bio on the Eurovision page. (Elnur wants to get a cat soon! Awww!)

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oThYwf7pG8]

Rebeka Dremelj
Vrag Naj Vzame
Slovenia
This is really average and I’ve basically forgotten it already, although I think she had enormous boobs. I might be thinking of someone else, though.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRNm32i40B0]

Maria
Hold On Be Strong
Norway
R&B-type pop ballad. I actually really like it, especially her pronunciation. I mean, she’s no Margaret Berger, but the song is good.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NREXPzXC4M]

Isis Gee
For Life
Poland
Terrible blonde lady ballad nonsense with a hilarious-looking piano player and “Caught A Lite Sneeze”-esque cloud projections in the background. This might be the worst song in the whole competition.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z28STzFIFBU]

Dustin The Turkey
Irelande Douze Pointe
Ireland
I’ve posted about this fellow before. It’s jokey, but amazingly put together, mysteriously catchy, and really it probably ought to win.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rl2lufWPHJ8]

Gisela
Casanova
Andorra
Andorra has a really tiny population. Apparently lots of lame gay clubs, though.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJekvU3lLhI]

Laka
Pokušaj
Bosnia & Herzogovina
A brother and sister duo. He wears tight pants; she channels Magenta from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. There are brooms and a rooster; the song itself is so-so, but the performance is great.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkH1daKW7ps]

Sirusho
Qele, Qele
Armenia
“Instead of watching me, you should be reaching me.” NOT!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJlnclg-JoA]

Hind
Your Heart Belongs To Me
Netherlands
If this were 1998 and Hind were Ricky Martin and not a deeply unattractive Dutch woman, I might have really liked it. Now, I’m so-so about the matter.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLI4pl8YU9Y]

Teräsbetoni
Missä Miehet Ratsastaa
Finland
Terrible “hard rock,” which probably won the Finnish contest because terrible hard rock from Norway won the competition a couple of years ago.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmJnLM_l_3Q]

Nico & Vlad
Pe-o Margine De Lume
Romania
I was hoping it would sound like a duet between a mopey lady with a deep voice and her vampire friend; instead it’s a terrible awkward duet ballad mess travesty thing.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDJxR0fsbN8]

Dima Bilan
Believe
Russia
A terrible ballad by a cheesy himbo, with the melody in the verses lifted directly from Cat Stevens. It’s a favorite to win, but mainly because a) Dima Bilan is generically cute in a way that nine-year olds and their grandmothers can both appreciate, and b) there’s probably more patriotic Russians than there are patriotic Andorrans or Moldovans.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGybqoCIjfs]

Kalomira
Secret Combination
Greece
Wow. The last song sure is better than the first one. In fact it’s, uh, kind of awesome. This sounds like some Eurovision songwriters have actually listened to music from the new millennium. If it weren’t for Dusin the Turkey, I’d totally be rooting for Kalomira to win.

The 10 I Think Should Go To The Finals:

1. Ireland
2. Greece
3. Norway
4. Bosnia & Herzogovina
5. Moldova
6. Belgium
7. Estonia
8. San Marino
9. Netherlands
10. Ummm… Israel? Because cute and terrible is better than just terrible, I guess. Right?

Tags: dustin the turkey, eurovision, weird musical competitions

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