This morning I got an email from some jackass referring to himself as Timothy Stuff. Already intrigued by the subject line: “Hi Moira Buy Heroin, cocaine and other shit from timothystuff,” since, you know, I buy all of my illegal drugs online, I opened the email to read the following:

“Welcome to the site timothystuff dot com, it’s us again, now we extended our offerings, here is a list:

1. Heroin, in liquid and crystal form.

2. Rocket fuel and Tomohawk rockets (serious enquiries only).

3. Other rockets (Air-to-Air), orders in batches of 10.

4. New shipment of cocaine has arrived, buy 9 grams and get 10th for free.

5. We also offer gay-slaves for sale, we offer only such service on the NET,
you can choose the one you like, then get straight to business.

6. Fake currencies, such as Euros and US dollars, prices would match competition.

Everyone is welcome, be it in States or any other place worldwide.

ATTENTION. Clearance offer. Buy 30 grams of heroin, get 5 free.

Prepay your batch of rockets (air-to-air) and recieve a portable rocket-lacuncher
for free.

Transfer money to our account and call phone number below:

Bank name: Five Star Bank
Account: 751244384
ACH Routing: 022304030

Contact us NOW:
1-585-991-3301
1-585-237-3346

—-

If you think you are receiving this message in an error - call here to unsubscribe - 1-585-237-3346

You can buy it from my local address:
12 Genesee St,
Perry, NY 14530

Best R,
Timothy Sinclair Stuff.”

Rampant misspellings aside, I was thrilled to know that I could buy both liquid and crystal heroin, tomahawk missiles, and gay sex slaves all from the same dealer. Screw all that calling around, I’m going straight to Timothy for all my, uh, stuff.

Yeah. Right. I immediately dismissed the email as some sort of weirdo spam and ignored it. Only, a few hours later, I got this one from the same person:

“I am very sorry for you Moira, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don’t comply. As you can see there is no need of introducing myself to you because I don’t have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.

But I give you a chance. Call my neighbor 315-678-2789 and say password “there is time to save my skin” and if that would sound convincing, I will forget about you.

Tell him this password for Timothy Sinclair (be sure it is not my real name).

WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE
BECAUSE I WILL KNOW.”

Freaky, right? Lucky for me, I’m currently out of the state, so even if Timothy “Killer” Sinclair showed up at my house looking to put a hit on my ass, he’d find only my roomies (sorry, guys!) and my cat.

At first, I racked my brain trying to think of who might be angry enough with me to pay a hitman. Was it my fella, annoyed at not being able to hit this until I got back to Providence? Nah, that didn’t make sense… he coulda spend his dime on a pros instead of a killer.

Had someone overhead me talking shit on his or her ass and decided to end my gossipy ways once and for all?

Maybe, just maybe, that fella from whom I stole an accordion before screaming at him over the phone that he was, and I quote, a “junky asshole” managed to scrounge up enough cash to order the hit? Nah… he’s way too cheap for that.

So, I thought, duh, google the asshole.

Apparently some sort of Independence Day prank, Mr. Timothy Stuff Sinclair, has been sending out these emails all day. Respondents on Whocalled.us have determined that the sicko hacked into Monster.com and used that information to send out these rather scary emails.

Anyone else out there get it? Seems a lot of people on the net did. Chances are that enough people out there have already reported this email to get the sender in some serious trouble, but you can report the incident to both the Internet Crime Complaint Center and your local FBI office:

FBI Boston
Suite 600
One Center Plaza
Boston, Massachusetts 02108
boston.fbi.gov
(617) 742-5533

Or, you could just call the phone numbers listed in the ad from a blocked number and have a little fun of your own. Your call.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, July 5th, 2008 at 8:10 am and is filed under Activism, Douchebags, Paranoia. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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