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News Slap: Shitburger Supreme Edition
11:38PM ON
09/28/2008
BY
Ari Savitzky
Ballot Measure in Massachusetts would eliminate income taxes. And all they have to give up are roads and public education!- Out-of-character Colbert sez living under Bush has been “eating a shitburger supreme,” stays mum on how Mooseshitburger supreme tastes.
- McCain campaign literally wetting its Depends over the idea of a highly exploitable, media-heavy pre-election wedding for knocked up Alaskan teen Bristol Palin. Baby-daddy Levi Johnston desperately trying to wake up from this godawful nightmare. America feels you, Levi.
- Somali Piratez R Stealing Ur Tankz. Wait, what?
- Compromise on the $700B-ish bailout reached; the bill now goes to Congress. If all goes according to plan, then our new stockbroker Uncle Sam have us holding a nice bag of shitty sub-prime mortgage debt for a decade or so. Yay!
- In related news, “Free market” is an anagram for “Meerkat Ref.”
- Bush told Alberto Gonzales to make his infamous sojurn to Ashcroft’s bedside to get the ailing Ag to sign off on warrantless wiretapping.
- NASA head says space exploration is key to survival of human civilization. Which is totally what I’ve been saying. Meanwhile, China successfully pulls off its first spacewalk.
- Oh yeah, McCain something something suspended campaign blah blah poop Debate angry old codger. Obama wins.
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