Ok, so I know it’s been entirely too long. One half of your beloved Jersey Girls followed her heart back to the motherland, North Jersey. The other ho is back and more than ready to take on your hardest, grossest, weirdest, funniest questions. With some newfound singledom I now again have the freedom and blood alcohol content to act in ways that make me qualified enough to write this lovely column. You know, like the old days! I’m sure all you dirtbags have been up to no good in my absence. We’re doing a super-sized column this week, and we have pulled from a few questions we received during our hiatus. Let’s get down to it…
Q: Dear S,
My new girlfriend likes it really rough during sex. She asks me to slap her, hit her, she wraps my hand around her throat and asks me to choke her, etc. The sex is great, but I’m not sure I can keep up with the beatings. Can I ask that we sometimes just have normal, nice sex without the bloodshed once in a while?

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I’m not sure whether the teenaged versions of our beloved-yet-MIA-for-many-many-months-now Jersey Girls appear in the 1994 documentary Wildwood, NJ, but I sure hope so!  The ever-amazing Rich Juzwiak from fourfour has compiled a four-minute montage of clips from what appears to be the most amazing movie ever:

I can’t even pick a favorite.  I was going to say Michigan-sweatshirt Girl, but then I remembered Fake-Nails Girl, and Payphone-Girl at the end.

Its been awhile since we’ve heard from our lovely Jersey Girls, now that they’re bi-coastal (one living on the East Coast, the other living on the Jersey Coast) it’s been even harder for them to get their shit together. Plus they have jobs now. Whatever, here’s the latest insanity from Providence’s most reliable advice mavens.

Dear Ladies, So, my thoughtless boyfriend made a joke about the idea of getting me a Brazilian wax as a Hannukah gift this year. At first I laughed along with his joke, when I thought he wasn’t serious. The second he said it the feminist bone in my body started to stiffen. Am I rude to tell him to fuck off and that a wax is sexist and a blatant gift for himself. I mean, I’ve been known to slack on the shaving, but whatever. I don’t feel the need to get waxed just because some dude wants me to!

A: What? You mean having the sensitive little hairs around your labia and asshole ripped out with hot wax by some burly European named Helga doesn’t sound like a thoughtful gift to you? more »

So in honor of the only holiday (besides our birthdays) where’s its socially acceptable to dress like a common whore we’ve decided to talk about sex. This week: virgins, sex noises, and slutty outfits! Let’s dig in…

Q: While shopping for halloween costumes my boyfriend jokingly mentioned that he wouldn’t mind seeing me in some of these sexy costumes under different circumstances, hint hint wink wink. I returned the following day and picked up a slutty French maid outfit. I’ve put it on and taken it off like 10 times. I feel like such a tool! Any tips on doing the whole, “sexy outfit” thing?

A: Ohh, the slutty french maid as opposed to the non-slutty french maid? We may have opted for the whorey school girl or the skanky nurse. Decisions, decisions… more »

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I think my boyfriend has a porn problem. I may have not-so-accidentally stumbled upon his huge stash of DVDs which led me to his computer, which led to me to TONS more porn. It grosses me out that he fantasizes about these gross girls or that he might be thinking about them when he’s having sex with me. How do I make him stop?

A: Fo’ serious? Stop a man from looking at porn? Um, how do we say this delicately? Wait, we don’t have to–Fat chance. Never going to happen. You gonna tell us we’re not allowed to watch it either now, Nazi? Porn is not gross, it’s awesome! Don’t get us wrong there is PLENTY of porn out there that is totally gross (2 girls 1 cup, anyone…?), but we’ll assume this stash of his doesn’t include any poop, children, snuff, rape, or farm animals. Look, lady, even if it’s not something you use to get off to, porn has plenty of other good uses. Please keep some of the following points in mind when you call porn “gross….” more »

To Our Loyal Readers,
After a sweaty, blurry, and overall disgusting summer, we’ve managed to get our shit back together…well at least long enough to solve all of your relationships queries. With one of us on permanent assignment in Jew Jersey and the other enjoying all of the excitement that unemployment and alcoholism have to offer – we kinda fell off the map for sec. But here we are – ready, willing and able. Bring. It. ON!

Q: Dear S&M
My new college roommate bangs her boyfriend in the room we share when she thinks I’m asleep. I’m not prude – but, I don’t need to hear every stupid moan and “Oh, baby” when I’m just trying to get some shut-eye. How do I make it stop? more »

Q: Since my girlfriend has moved in, she’s been cutting the frequency of sex down. Recently, she’s not even returning my kisses and she pushes me away when I try to give her oral (which she says I’m -fantastic- at). I can deal with a ‘bad week’ here and there, but I’m not a ‘once a week’ kind of guy. I can tell she wants to want me, like when she drags me to the bedroom after a good night, but then once she’s there, she denies me. I’ve tried everything; my last gift of ‘flowers for no reason’ got me a hug and a “you’re so sweet!” Should I be suspicious? Should I cut her loose so she can try being happy with someone else? Can I call her best friend for a hint? The last two times this happened to me, the girl turned out to be cheating and felt guilty, so I’m naturally very worried.

-Sexless in the City (we normally don’t keep funny signatures like this one but how cute!) [Ed. Fucking puke...] more »

So we’re going to do things a little differently this week. We received this anonymous horror story of a letter and felt compelled to not only share it with you, our loyal readers, but also devote an entire column to it. Behold possibly the worst dates ever…

Dear Jersey Girls,
Until recently, I was a virgin to dating. After being in a relationship for 4 years, I forgot all about the golden rules of dating. So when this guy whom I’ve never met before asked me out, I figured how bad can this really be. We met through an online dating site and coincidentally he happened to live next door to me. more »

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I met a girl last night through a friend and after I got home I sorta drunkenly found her on Myspace. I didn’t add her or send a message, thankfully*, but I was wondering, what amount of Face/Space stalking is acceptable and when has it crossed over into the inappropriate and creepy?
*By thankfully I mean she wasn’t 16 but a refreshing 31.

A: We’re not too proud to admit that this is a topic we’re relatively well versed in. more »

Q: Hello Ladies,

This guy I had a fling with last year recently sent me a text message asking if I’d have a threesome with him and his new girlfriend. Bad idea……right?

A: Meh, not necessarily. more »

This week’s Ask The Jersey Girls:  Furtive masturbation, intrusive pets and walks of shame.

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I awoke this morning to find my boyfriend, who I’d had sex with mere hours prior, jerking off in bed next to me while I thought he was still sleeping. Why? It had been literally 5 hours since we’d last had sex and he knew I was likely going to have sex with him again in the next 24 hours if not right when we woke up. Am I not enough? Why did he feel the need to do this right next to me? He couldn’t use the bathroom? We’re an extremely sexually active couple, what gives?

A: Oh. My. God. You made your boyfriend wait a whole 5 hours to have sex? You are a terrible girlfriend! more »

Q: Dear S&M,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple years now and we just recently moved in together. Things are going fine – with the exception of one thing. I was accidentally logged into his email account the other day and although I didn’t read the emails; I noticed a handful from a girl’s name (whom I didn’t recognize) with suspicious headline subjects. I don’t even know how to begin bringing this up, especially since I don’t want to look like a snoop – But also because it might mean I’d have to come to terms with him cheating on me. I’m hurt and confused any advice on how to confront him about this?

A: Listen Detective Benson, you do not need to get all cuckoo bananas just yet. more »

This week: big tippers, face sitters, and fighting the big easy.

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,

A few weeks ago I was out for a drink with a co-worker and his friend who are both 15 years my senior. I really hit it off with the friend – so we agreed to meet for a drink later in the week. We spoke a lot, even about how I “danced” my way through college and my current financial woes– but, casually- and not with a preying tone. Anyway, at the end of the date he hands me a $100 bill and thanks me for his company. I took it, and I feel weird about it – but I find myself attracted to him. How should I handle this to avoid it turning into a sugar daddy relationship? more »

Are you missing the Jersey Girls’ column this week? Are your loins aching for your weekly fix of dirty talk and stories from the bedroom (car backseat, dark alley, public restroom, etc…)? Oh, you are? THAT’S YOUR FAULT! We are hurting for some good questions– which you slackers have failed to provide us with this week. We find it hard to believe that all is right in the world of love, sex, and relationships. Send your most recent woes our way and we’ll do what we can to tell you what you probably already know and don’t want to hear while making everyone else laugh at your misfortune. We’re so sweet! Anyway, do it, because if you didn’t already learn in the headline—jersey girls will kick your ass.

This week: dirty texting, going downtown, and actual research!

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I hooked up with this guy last weekend, and the next morning he sent me a text message “thanking me for riding his c***”… how am I supposed to take that? more »

This week: Sex tapes, voyeurism, and matters of taste. Most def. NSFW but you knew that, right?

Q: Dear S&M,
I had a pretty bad break up with an ex, and I’m certain he’s in the possession of a very incriminating video on his computer that we made while we where together. Were not currently on speaking terms and while I’m sure he’d never use it against me, I’m not willing to take any chances. I still have a copy of his apartment keys – and I doubt he’s changed the password on his computer. Is it crazy to stop by when he’s at work and make my problem disappear?

A: Oh, no. Breaking and entering is totally sane and legal. more »