This week’s Ask The Jersey Girls:  Furtive masturbation, intrusive pets and walks of shame.

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I awoke this morning to find my boyfriend, who I’d had sex with mere hours prior, jerking off in bed next to me while I thought he was still sleeping. Why? It had been literally 5 hours since we’d last had sex and he knew I was likely going to have sex with him again in the next 24 hours if not right when we woke up. Am I not enough? Why did he feel the need to do this right next to me? He couldn’t use the bathroom? We’re an extremely sexually active couple, what gives?

A: Oh. My. God. You made your boyfriend wait a whole 5 hours to have sex? You are a terrible girlfriend! (more…)

Q: Dear S&M,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple years now and we just recently moved in together. Things are going fine – with the exception of one thing. I was accidentally logged into his email account the other day and although I didn’t read the emails; I noticed a handful from a girl’s name (whom I didn’t recognize) with suspicious headline subjects. I don’t even know how to begin bringing this up, especially since I don’t want to look like a snoop – But also because it might mean I’d have to come to terms with him cheating on me. I’m hurt and confused any advice on how to confront him about this?

A: Listen Detective Benson, you do not need to get all cuckoo bananas just yet. (more…)

This week: big tippers, face sitters, and fighting the big easy.

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,

A few weeks ago I was out for a drink with a co-worker and his friend who are both 15 years my senior. I really hit it off with the friend – so we agreed to meet for a drink later in the week. We spoke a lot, even about how I “danced” my way through college and my current financial woes– but, casually- and not with a preying tone. Anyway, at the end of the date he hands me a $100 bill and thanks me for his company. I took it, and I feel weird about it – but I find myself attracted to him. How should I handle this to avoid it turning into a sugar daddy relationship? (more…)

Are you missing the Jersey Girls’ column this week? Are your loins aching for your weekly fix of dirty talk and stories from the bedroom (car backseat, dark alley, public restroom, etc…)? Oh, you are? THAT’S YOUR FAULT! We are hurting for some good questions– which you slackers have failed to provide us with this week. We find it hard to believe that all is right in the world of love, sex, and relationships. Send your most recent woes our way and we’ll do what we can to tell you what you probably already know and don’t want to hear while making everyone else laugh at your misfortune. We’re so sweet! Anyway, do it, because if you didn’t already learn in the headline—jersey girls will kick your ass.

This week: dirty texting, going downtown, and actual research!

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I hooked up with this guy last weekend, and the next morning he sent me a text message “thanking me for riding his c***”… how am I supposed to take that? (more…)

This week: Sex tapes, voyeurism, and matters of taste. Most def. NSFW but you knew that, right?

Q: Dear S&M,
I had a pretty bad break up with an ex, and I’m certain he’s in the possession of a very incriminating video on his computer that we made while we where together. Were not currently on speaking terms and while I’m sure he’d never use it against me, I’m not willing to take any chances. I still have a copy of his apartment keys – and I doubt he’s changed the password on his computer. Is it crazy to stop by when he’s at work and make my problem disappear?

A: Oh, no. Breaking and entering is totally sane and legal. (more…)

So it seems that more than a few of you are still sweating your exes. Jeez! Get over it already! This week the girls take you all on a stroll down memory lane and revisit relationships past. Welcome to the Ex-Files, saps. Next week it’s back to the nitty gritty. As always, send your baggage here

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I recently spoke to one of my best girlfriends who asked me if I felt funny about her asking out my ex-boyfriend. We dated in high school (nearly 10 years ago), and I have no feelings for him or intentions of rekindling that flame, but we speak occasionally and still have a few mutual friends. For some weird reason it does kind of bother me. He was my first and it just makes me uncomfortable to think of him with one of my friends, even after all these years. I feel silly telling her that I mind. I’m not even sure why I do. What should I tell her?

A: First of all, this is one of your BEST friends we’re talking about? Speak up, dummy! She can’t fault you for caring. (more…)

With all the $1 million offers to pose for this and that magazine being thrown around, lets remember that Jersey Girl Ashley’s most prized asset, the movie rights, are still out there. It could be a grittier, seedier, 21st century version of Almost Famous. Feeling it? No? Ok.

This week: Moving-in jitters, vaginal flatulence and the after-school special they should have made, but didn’t.
Q: Jersey Girls, I have been dating my girlfriend now for a while and she is great. We hit it off from our first conversation and I haven’t looked back since. We’re even planning on moving in with each other, which I am really excited about. Over the past month I have been having some crazy and intense sex dreams about a handful of former regulars from my single sex life as well as some other random girls I know. Is this any kind of a sign? The dreams are pretty frequent. Should I be re-evaluating my decision to move in with my girlfriend?

A: We don’t know, should you? Probably not. (more…)

This week? Tony Danza, dirty talk, lazy bitches, and pick-up lines. We’re not sure who’s sicker. You guys, or the crazy broads who answer your questions. Let’s dig in, shall we?

Q: There is no beating around the bush with this one, my girlfriend has let herself go. We’ve been dating for a couple years now, and in the beginning she was the hottest thing this side of the Woonsocket River. Now all I see her in is sweatpants and ponytails. She’s definitely gained some weight, and doesn’t even like going out oto the bars anymore. I love her, but it’s getting to the point of no end. So my question remains, how do I get my hot girlfriend back?

A: This question is reminiscent of something that was on the Maury Povich show light years before he started paternity testing everyone instead of solving actual problems. (more…)

Cause if you can’t trust a Jersey Girl for some much-needed sex and dating advice, who can you trust? Lets just get right into it this week:

Q: Ladies,
I’ve been dating this guy that I see about once a week. The sex is good but I feel like we’re falling into a little bit of a routine. We meet up for dinner or drinks, come back to my place and our clothes are off in a matter of seconds. The first few times when we didn’t make it past the kitchen or hallway were exciting. The sense of urgency is really hot but I need him to slow down if I’m ever going to be able to get off! How can I get him to tap the breaks a little bit?

A: Well, bonus for making it out of the car I guess. (more…)

The details are still in the works, but we are able to announce The Jersey Girls and friends Anti-Valentines Day Party at E&O Tap. Part singles mixer, part fuck you Valentines Day, all drunken fun. Rest assured you will all know everything there is to know about this party when we do. There will be food. I think they even have booze.

This week: territorial markings, kink, and some truly indecipherable North Jersey gibberish. (NSFW, just stop reading now…)

Q: Hello Ladies,
I have been lucky enough to have a few different ladies over at my place in the last 6 months or so. Some more than others, but every single one of them, at least once, had left behind some sort period-related evidence in my apartment, either in the form of tampon wrappers on the bathroom floor, bloody kleenex bits in the toilet- unflushed, and once an entire tampon, (used) on my bedroom floor. Now girls, you know as well as I that there’s no such thing as a woman not noticing something, ever, so my question is this: is this some sort of territorial marking of some kind? I got no problem with the period, I’m totally cool with the period, I’ve accepted that it exists and I’m willing to work around it, but what the hell?

A: That’s um……reeeally fucking weird. (more…)

They’ve been quiet for awhile, but the Girls are back from The Jerz, answering your ridiculousness like never before. This week: hot bartenders, gay porn and the dangers of not heeding their advice.

Q: Ladies!
I go to a local bar three or four times a week. I have a huge crush on the bartender there, and he flirts with me constantly. I am worried that he’s just being nice to me because he is behind the bar and it is a good way to get tips. How do I figure out if this flirting is real or if he’s just good at his job?

A: He’s just flirting. He’s working to pay off those college loans. He’s flirting, because basically it’s his job to flirt. Essentially, you pay his bills. Look, around – are you the only he chats up HARD? (more…)

This week the Jersey Girls get even more Jersey-centric. Let’s just cut to the chase…btw, absolutely NSFW or anyone really.

Q: Dear Girls, I spent a drunken night with this girl at my college and 6 days later I get this text that says, “I knew I should’ve made you wear a condom. Something just doesn’t feel right.” What the hell does that mean? Am I gonna be a papa or did I give her the herpes I thought my last girlfriend was joking about? Help?

A: Let’s start dealing with this clusterfuck by saying that you, my friend, are an idiot. (more…)

We have a lot to get off our chests this year, and apparently so did you! We asked for your dirtiest deeds and boy, you didn’t disappoint! The following are your actual, honest-to-God confessions and as promised, we kept everyone anonymous and on the up-and-up. Just to get you all tingly, S&M will openly confess the most disgusting thing we did this year: we learned every single word to the new Britney Spears album. We love it. Seriously. OK, now that that’s out of the way let’s get to the truly awful stuff you people did this year. (NSFW, NSF anyone, really…)

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