The Great Schlep is here! Young Jews from across our great, somewhat confused nation will trek down to Ft. Lauderdale and harangue their grandparents and their friends into voting for Obama. Time to cash in all those years of cheek pinching. The LA Times explains:

The Jewish Council for Education and Research — a new pro-Obama political action committee — is organizing “The Great Schlep,” in which hundreds of Jews will make the Southern exodus on Columbus Day weekend, Oct. 10-13. They will travel to the Fort Lauderdale area, where they will visit their grandparents, organize political salons in their condos and eat incredibly bad food. The grandkids also will meet up at a bar one night, which — if the psychological impact of spending a few days with frail, elderly, widowed relatives is taken fully into account — may do more to repopulate the world’s Jews than the creation of Israel.

In case you’re interested, but aren’t exactly sure how to pitch Obama to your elderly, hard-of-hearing, maybe-a-little-racist snowbird relations down in the Sunshine State, I’ve cooked up a nice mock pitch, to be delivered to “Aunt Ethel.”

Here’s the thing Aunt Ethel: I came all the way down to Palm Beach because, well, this election is important. Really important. Now look, remember how upset you were when you accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan in 2000? We don’t want that to happen again. And this John McCain character, he’s got less menschkeit than Shabbatai Zevi. He’s a real shlemiel. And this Palin. Don’t get me started. She’s just no good for the Jews. You know she bans books? You know who else banned books? Hitler, that’s who.

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I spent almost a year living in Beijing, and, whenever I told people I was Jewish, there was fairly standard reply: “犹太人很聪明很有钱”.

Translation: “Oh, Jews are smart and rich.” I even purchased an (extremely offensive) book in Shanghai called the “The How Jews Make Money Pillow-Side Reader.” Yes, that’s a rough translation, which is nothing compared to some of the “facts” in the book. For example, did you know that JP Morgan and John D Rockefeller were Jewish? I sure didn’t. Wait, because they weren’t.

At any rate, Brown Alum and current Beijing resident Alison Klayman, who’s blogging the Olympic madness over at the Jewish Telegraphic Agency, went to Houhai Park in Beijing for a closer look at what Chinese folks think about the people of Israel:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mF02MZRE5vc]

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If you haven’t seen Daily Show contributor Wyatt Cenac’s hilarious trip to Boca, the video is worth a watch.

It also brings up a recurring if tangential line of thinking about the campaign: are old Jews in Florida going to mess this thing up for Obama? The answer, of course is no. While Aunt Millie and a couple nutbags will no doubt voice their support for John McCain, trying to sell their racist aversion to Obama as an undying love for Hillary, the bottom line is that they, like Joe Lieberman, are Republicans, and should just come out and say so.

And while we’re at it, let’s also put the idea that older Jews are going to bolt where it belongs: along side the idea that progressives will move to Nader, or that McCain has any shot at not being crushed with young voters or labor. Obama will keep the base, and that includes the vast majority of Jewish voters. While Boca octogenarians may be a harder sell, they will be/are melting with nachas when reminded that Barack=Baruch.

[UPDATE: On the other hand, peep former NY Gov Mario Cuomo still sitting on his hands...]

Idolator just tipped me off to the existence of JewTube, which I guess everyone should have seen coming a couple of years ago when the totally silly GodTube was launched. Random clicking on the front page immediately led me to this impressive yet totally NSFW video. As my understanding of Judaism is minimal at best (no tattoos, right?) I’ll leave it to one of the other Dosers to explain to me what it all means.

Last night, Ari and I watched Elia Kazan’s 1947 classic A Gentleman’s Agreement, the story of a journalist, P. Schuyler Green (Gregory Peck), who pretends to be Jewish for a magazine series on anti-Semitism. When his son, Tommy, faces hateful words at school, Green is forced to explain to him what it means to be a Jew, and the importance of the separation of church and state. His simple words in explaining the Jeffersonian idea to Tommy drive home the simplicity of this idea, even in 1947. Have we made backwards strides?

Tommy: What’s anti-Semitism?
Phil: Well, uh, that’s when some people don’t like other people just because they’re Jews.
Tommy: Why not? Are Jews bad?
Phil: Well, some are and some aren’t, just like with everyone else.
Tommy: What are Jews, anyway?
Phil: Well, uh, it’s like this. Remember last week when you asked me about that big church, and I told you there are all different kinds of churches? Well, the people who go to that particular church are called Catholics, and there are people who go to different churches and they’re called Protestants, and there are people who go to different churches and they’re called Jews, only they call their churches temples or synagogues.
Tommy: Why don’t some people like those?
Phil: Well, that’s a tough one to explain, Tommy. Some people hate Catholics, and some hate Jews.
Tommy: And no one hates us ’cause we’re Americans?
Phil: Well, no, that’s another thing again. See, you can be an American and a Catholic, or an American and a Protestant, or an American and a Jew. But look, Tommy, it’s like this: one thing’s your country, see like America or France or Germany or Russia. The flag is different, and the uniform is different, and the language is different. [...] But the other thing is religion, like the Jewish or the Catholic or the Protestant religion, see that hasn’t anything to do with the flag, or the uniform, or the airplanes. Got it?
Tommy: Yup!

Now change “Jew” to “Muslim,” and we’ve got a lesson pertinent to most present-day Americans.

Bug eating, AKA entomophagy, is the big new thing, as evidenced by the splashy TIME magazine story covering America’s torrid/nonexistent love affair with eating insects. Also, eating bugs is so green its like driving a Prius into a windmill.

But while the Dose has been all over the bug-eatin’ trend for some time, we missed the boat on giraffe. That’s right - it turns out that the world’s largest ungulate is also a kosher snack, provided you slaughter it correctly. My hebrew school teachers claimed that kosher slaughtering was impossible for giraffes, but it turns out they were either wrong, or lying to keep all the sweet giraffe meat for themselves. With dairy-product-friendly Shavuot coming tonight, why not guzzle some giraffe milk too?

One thing to remember, particularly when devouring exotic creatures: Do not eat unless Mike Huckabee is around to perform the Heimlich maneuver on you. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Einstein rose from the grave this week to slam God and His believers via a 1954 letter. Thus Spake Albert:

“The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weakness, the Bible a collection of honorable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish,” Einstein wrote.

The famed physicist also rocked the Jews some for good measure:

“For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions,” the letter said. “And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people. Otherwise I cannot see anything ‘chosen’ about them.”

Burned!

Luckily, the Catholic Church struck back with the answer to one of sci-fi/theology’s most basic questions: did God create Aliens?

According to “Vatican’s chief astronomer,” which given Copernicus must be a pretty new position, the answer is yes!

The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, says that the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.

In an interview published Tuesday by Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Funes says that such a notion “doesn’t contradict our faith” because aliens would still be God’s creatures.

The interview was headlined “The extraterrestrial is my brother.” Funes said that ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom.

Booya! more »

Long-awaited, much-rumored, and deeply-desired.

TJ is coming to L’il Rhodie!

From the Projo:

Offbeat grocery-store chain Trader Joe’s will open its first Rhode Island supermarket on Bald Hill Road this fall.

Known for its Hawaiian-shirt-wearing employees, $3 bottles of wine and inexpensive, gourmet-style goods, Trader Joe’s has expanded rapidly in recent years.

The grocer now operates about 300 stores in 23 states and Washington, D.C., according to company spokeswoman Alison Mochizuki.

Warwick Mayor Scott Avedisian added, “”It’s a win for us because it creates a reason for people to go to Route 2,” he said. “People do drive to Massachusetts for Trader Joe’s.” The last thing we want is for people to drive to Massachusetts, especially for peanut-butter stuffed pretzels and dried mango rings. No word on whether they’ll sell booze, so you may still need to trek to Framingham for your $3 Malbec.

May we at the Dose be the first to say: Aloha, TJ.

Projo has it.

By the first night of Passover this year, Providence supermarkets had already run out of Matzo. To those of us planning on observing the holiday’s mandated eight-day abandonment of chametz, leavened breads and wheat/yeast-filled products, this presented quite the dilemma. [Oy vey!] Ultimately, Ari and I found a secret stash of Matzo at the Shaws in Cranston but, still, the Providence Matzo shortage seemed pretty bizarre. What’s up? It’s not that there’s been an influx of Jews to Providence, or a rapid increase in the number of Jews who observe Passover, says Jennifer Steinhauer of the New York Times; the problem is a national Matzo shortage.

Steinhauer explains:

From coast to coast, a shortfall of the unleavened flat cracker bread eaten by Jews during the eight days of Passover has sent shoppers scurrying from store to store in search of it. On Monday, Allison Mnookin circled the aisles of her local Whole Foods store in San Mateo, Calif., three times. There was no matzo to be found. [...]

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And by debate, i mean a discussion on how to eat it.

First, courtesy of the NYT, we learn that renowned architect Gehry loves matzah brie, (AKA matzah fried with eggs). I also love matzah brie, so now Frank and I are matzah twins. Here’s how it went down at the Bilbao Gugenheim:

In the midst of jaw-dropping architecture and a collection of Serras in a room the size of a football field, in a town where even the uncelebrated food is good, we of course wound up talking about matzah brei, even though Passover was six months away.

Next, from a Japanese game show, we learn how to cut matzah the right way: with some type of calligraphy brush.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj_HzQSWKBQ]

Read more on matzah brie here, then cry your heart out to The Prince of Egypt and more Japanese TV, after the jump. more »

Yeah:

More than 98,000 people in the U.S. are awaiting a lifesaving organ transplant at any given time. More than 17 people die every day because they are unable to get the organ transplant they need. David Gitlitz, a professor at the University of Rhode Island, was approached by seven different people offering to share their liver with him.

I can’t believe I missed this in the New York Times yesterday:

 ”Possible Nazi Theme of Grand Prix Boss’s Orgy Draws Calls to Quit”

 In a sublimely perverse, supremely hilarious article that at first glance seems like something ripped straight from the Onion, the Times reports on Max Mosley, president of a formula one governing body, who was recently revealed to have participated in “a depraved Nazi sadomasochistic orgy” with five prostitutes in London’s Chelsea district.

According to the Times:

The video showed Mr. Mosley counting in German — “Eins! Zwei! Drei! Vier! Funf!” — as he used a leather strap to lash one of the women.

“She needs more of ze punishment!” he cried in German-accented English. One woman appeared to search his hair for lice while another called off items on an inspection list.

 But, wait–it gets better:

Family history has added to the notoriety: Mr. Mosley, 67, is the younger son of Britain’s 1930s fascist leader, Sir Oswald Mosley, and the society beauty Diana Mitford, whose secret wedding in Berlin in October 1936 was held at the home of the Nazi propaganda chief Joseph Goebbels and included Hitler as a guest of honor.

Read the full story here.

At first the only thing I thought about this NYT review of Jackie Mason’s “farewell show” in New York City, entitled, “The Ultimate Jew,” is that having never really been schooled to the ways of Jackie in the first place, I was actually a little appalled by such a gross title. How is he the “Ultimate Jew?” Remembering that it was Holy Week, I considered the broader ramifications of such a statement. In claiming to be the King of the Jews, Mason’s boast struck me as an affront not just to Jon Stewart and Einstein, but also to the guy who put the “Christ” in “Christmas.” more »

Cuz that’s what the Rabbis tell us to do, and we’re not ones to ignore directives from on high.

There’s only one way to shake out those winter doldrums, people: loud, loud music and ass-shaking.

In fact, the band will be doing so this weekend in Boston, for Purim, the Jewish holiday which celebrates drinking, costumes, and noise making, “to blot out the name of evil.” Duh!! It’s a perfect match for us.

To get specific, we will blot out the name of evil Saturday, March 22, 8pm – 1am, at Community Church of Boston, 565 Boylston St. (Sliding Scale $10-$20) All Ages Event Honoring Keshet and Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition. Music by Zili Misik, DJ D’hana, and What Cheer Brigade! Exotic dancers including you!

The awkward phraseology, “Blot out the name of evil” must be some strange attempt to make the goyim understand what the hell is going on. But I don’t think it’s any more intelligible to the lay person than saying “Scream like mad men every time somebody says Haman.” You see, Haman was a bad dude, and most of Purim is predicated on reveling in his execution — the ultimate insult being digesting cookies that are shaped like his hat.

No, this has nothing to do with the Israel lobby or usury or Wall Street or 47th Street or campaign donations. This, my friends, is about poop.

The Washington Post reports:

JERUSALEM (AP) — Something didn’t smell quite right with a pile of cash discovered Thursday at a sewage purification plant in northern Israel. Shocked workers at the Tiberias plant found about 7,000 shekels ($2,000) of the dirty money, all in 200 shekel bills among the smelly sewage. Israeli TV showed the bills sticking out of sewage and stuck in pipes. The bills were cut in half.

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Psyche! There’s no such thing. Yet.

After blunderously claiming that mortal enemies Al-Qaeda and Iran were in cahoots, John McCain and life-partner Joe Lieberman popped over to the Temple Mount yesterday for a little fun, a little nosh, some kibbitzing, and a whole lot of nonplussed Hasidim. CNN tells it:

After slipping the traditional private note into the sacred wall which once supported the western side of the Second Temple, McCain received a tour of the tunnels of 0ld City Jerusalem.

Later, as he approached a railing to wave to the gathered Americans and a smattering of mostly less-interested Israelis, Eli Ezer of New York took a photo, but kept on a running debate with another tourist about McCain’s choice of a running mate.

“Do you think he should pick Lieberman?” the woman asked, referring to Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut, the Democrat-turned-Independent who is a McCain supporter, and was at his side Wednesday.

“I hope not, ” said Ezer.

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