The Obama team stunned us all with their decision to move his nomination acceptance speech from the 19,000–seat Pepsi Center to the 76,000–seat Invesco Field, home of the Denver Broncos. Today, the Dems’ Convention Committee announced another exciting twist, in the form of three special performances: Kanye West, Wyclef Jean, and N.E.R.D.

Rolling Stone reports:

This year’s Democratic National Convention Committee revealed that a trio of hip-hop artists — Kanye West, Wyclef Jean and N.E.R.D. — will perform when the party gets together in Denver. A native of Barack Obama’s Chicago, West was likely included to keep all those politicians’ egos in check. Let’s just hope Obama’s speech doesn’t run long, otherwise Democrats might be in for a long night. Wyclef is becoming as well known for his humanitarian work with Haiti as his music, so his appearance at the convention makes sense. The most left-field pick is N.E.R.D., though the Democrats obviously view the band’s single “Everybody Nose” — with its chorus of “All the girls standing in the line for the bathroom” — as a shocking indictment of the current administration’s futile War on Drugs.

Other celebrities slated for attendance include Scarlett Johansson, Ben Affleck, Warren Beatty and Annette Bening, but let’s pray that Scarlett isn’t performing.

Itinerant reader Nathaniel tips us off to this smokin’ hot video of a Bush lobbyist shaking down representatives of Kyrgyzstan’s exiled ex-president for “a couple hundred thousand dollars” in Bush library contributions in exchange for a visit with Dubya.

And that’s legal?? The UK Times says this is a real “row,” which I assume means one more in a series of soul-numbing lessons on the direct relationship between power and corruption. Thanks Lord Acton!

Or perhaps it’s just that Presidential libraries are the ultimate shakedown.

Good morning, dosers! You gotta love a Guv whose idea of “reaching out” to his constituents is to appear on the Bill O’Reilly show.

Governor Carcieri spent several minutes last night on national television during an appearance on The O’Reilly Factor criticizing Providence’s mayor and police chief for not endorsing his attempt to curb illegal immigration.

The governor cited the recent arrest in Providence of Marco Riz, an illegal immigrant arrested several times before he allegedly kidnapped and raped a Warwick woman, as an example of the need for his executive order.

(On the subject of this Marco Riz thing, I am SO SURE that a legal U.S. citizen has never kidnapped and raped a woman. I just wish violence against women got this much attention from Carcieri on a regular basis. Sigh.)

I’m not going to even bother posting a clip of O’Reilly’s show. You know the drill. Instead, here is Bill Moyers (you know, a real-life journalist) schooling O’Reilly’s producer in a candid video:

Buried in the story of the daring rescue of FARC hostage Ingrid Betancourt last week was this ‘lil gem on how the Colombian commandos were able to infiltrate the rebel base and spirit her away:

A white painted helicopter — backed by dozens of others in the area — landed at the rebels’ jungle base at dawn, carrying military personnel masquerading as FARC members. Ms Betancourt said she was disappointed that they were not the aid workers she had expected. Looking at the helicopter crew members, who were wearing T-shirts emblazoned with images of Che Guevara, “I thought, this is FARC,” she said on television, and presumed they were part of a mission to transport the hostages to another location.

Che shirts? Really? That was their disguise? Does this mean that half of disaffected white suburbia could stumble into a FARC base and be treated like one of the gang?

Or so read the headline yesterday on one of my favorite blogs, History Is a Weapon. And when you look at the late Senator’s resume, he’s left us little reason to mourn. Here are a few of his most remarkable achievements:

• Fighting integration;
• Opposing Martin Luther King day;
• the Helms-Burton act, the centerpiece of the embargo against Cuba;
• Disputing ALL Affirmative Action programs;
• Voting to bail out the savings and loan industry AND to slash school lunches for impoverished children, medical care for disabled veterans, prescription drugs for the elderly, and wages for working families;
• Hating all gay people;
• Supporting apartheid in South Africa;
• Routinely fighting against AIDS research from the beginning, blaming people suffering from the disease for it;
• Leading the fight to discontinue Pell Grants for inmates;
• And, in 1993, singing Dixie to the first African American senator, Carol Mosely-Braun, and promising to make her “cry.”

I think HIAW sums it up well, when they proclaim: “Hell burns hotter tonight.” Want some more inspiring food for thought? Check out “ The Meaning of July Fourth for the Negro,” a speech given by Frederick Douglass in Rochester on July 5, 1852.

(…*To Inspire You To Hide Under Your Bed Until Jan. 21, 2009)

 This must-read report just in from the New Yorker’s “This Would Be Funny If It Wasn’t So Fucking Scary” Department: “Preparing the Battlefield: The Bush administration steps up its secret moves against Iran” by the ever-vigilant Seymour Hersh.

 Hersch writes:

Late last year, Congress agreed to a request from President Bush to fund a major escalation of covert operations against Iran, according to current and former military, intelligence, and congressional sources. These operations, for which the President sought up to four hundred million dollars, were described in a Presidential Finding signed by Bush, and are designed to destabilize the country’s religious leadership.

This may sound like generically scary Bush warmongering, but it’s actually so much more. (more…)

Look, folks over at the Associated Press… I know things are bad. Real bad. Still, when you’re penning the End Times journalism pick of the week, write a decent headline.

Midwestern levees are bursting. Polar bears are adrift. Gas prices are skyrocketing. Home values are abysmal. Air fares, college tuition and health care border on unaffordable. Wars without end rage in Iraq, Afghanistan and against terrorism.

Horatio Alger, twist in your grave.

Twist, damn you!

In other sad news, and a subtle reminder of how ridiculous this headline is, Zimbabwe opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai is dropping out five days before the the presidential runoff election there.

At a news conference, Mr. Tsvangirai, who leads the opposition Movement for Democratic Change, or M.D.C., said he was unwilling to ask the party’s supporters to go to the polls on Friday “when that vote will cost them their lives.”

Mr. Tsvangirai’s decision came on a day when governing party youth militia armed with iron bars, sticks and other weapons beat his supporters as they sought to attend a rally for him in Harare.

In legal news, velvet-tongued hook-master R Kelly was acquitted on 14 counts of child sex crimes by a jury in his native Chicago after 6 years of courtroom drama. While a grainy video tape did show a man giving a young girl a golden shower, spawning the Dave Chappelle spoof “Piss on You (Remix)”, jurors were unable to conclude beyond a reasonable doubt that this man was Mr. Kelly.

Big ups to the legal system on this one. In celebration, let’s all watch this video from Jay-Z and R Kelly, released before all this brouhaha started, in which Kells croons: “You can’t touch me, no you can’t touch me/ Jigga, Kelly, not guilty.” Or, if you want to relive the classics, peep this:

Kiss livestock-generated methane goodbye, thanks to some plucky New Zealand fart-doctors.

New Zealand scientists claim to have developed a “flatulence inoculation” aimed at cutting down on the massive amount of methane produced by its sheep and cows.

Such animals are believed to be responsible for more than half of the country’s greenhouse gases, causing huge environmental problems.

I smell a Nobel prize… by which I mean sheep flatulence. (more…)

Am I alone here or do all you Obama supporters feel like a long-time, live-in girlfriend, who just got the wedding proposal you’ve been waiting for?  I wept sweet, hopeful tears hearing him say, “Tonight, I can stand before you and say that I will be the Democratic nominee for president of the United States.”

Sweeter words were never spoken. 

 So, Barackie, the answer is YES, YES, YES! 

 Now, where to find something borrowed and something blue…?

Just when you thought there was nothing else that Hillary’s minions could say or do to make you dry heave in terror (like, for example, claim that perennially pampered Florida voters are facing Zimbabwe-esque levels of political oppression), Harold Ickes has gone and done it.

Yes, it’s true that today’s DNC Rules and Bylaws Committee meeting was an overall win for Obama, in that, shitshow* notwithstanding, the Committee decided to seat the FL and Michigan delegations with half-votes each, and to give Obama the uncommitted delegates from Michigan. Yes, Obama is still going to be the nominee, as he now has 2050 delegates, needs 2118 to clinch, and will pick up at least 40 between now and the final primaries in South Dakota and Montana on Tuesday, meaning that he needs only 20 of the remaining 200 superdelegates to finish the job. And yes, Hillary did indeed have every right to fight for her desired outcome, which her surrogates did in a losing effort to seat the Florida delegation with full votes before unanimously backing the half-vote compromise.

But Harold Ickes needs to get a grip. When it came time to talk Michigan, a state where Obama (and Edwards) had taken his name off of the ballot, where “Uncommitted” had garnered 45% of the vote, where turnout was absolutely anemic because there was only one candidate running (in Soviet Russia, election wins you!), Ickes had the gall to say that Hillary should get her delegates and Obama should get none, and then got so huffy about it that he threatened to take that dispute to the convention.

Huh? For a campaign that has been playing fast and loose with the word “disenfranchisement” it’s pretty befuddling to think that counting the results of an election with only one candidate on the ballot, where more people stayed home than voted, without any consideration of those factors is not basically the worst solution. Wouldn’t such a solution disenfranchise those non-voters? And what about all of the African American voters who went with uncommitted, you know, the ones who will be absolutely crucial to winning Michigan?

“Fannie Lou” Ickes cannot be bothered with such trifling matters. Here he is debasing himself in a duke-it-out with Sen. Carl Levin:

(more…)

And he looks good doing it, flag pin and all. Nice catch HuffPo. (more…)

The controversial newscast, which shows the President repeatedly answering questions about his foreign policy decisions, is being called “deceitful…misleading and irresponsible” by the White House.

In other news, the White House is berating the media for refusing to not cover the rightful criticism of his appalling Knesset speech, and refusing to not pretend that he didn’t lie about giving up golf for the troops.

Oh no!

An explosion that destroyed 20 fireworks warehouses in China three months ago will probably dim night skies in the United States this Fourth of July.

Fireworks vendors said that because of the sudden shortage, fireworks such as bottle rockets, ladyfingers and Roman candles, as well as mortars used in professional displays, will be hard to get, meaning many of the usual pyrotechnic extravaganzas across the country may have to be pared back or even canceled.

”Everybody in the industry is scared to death that their orders aren’t going to get here in time,” said Ken Sprague, president of Hamburg Fireworks Display in Lancaster, Ohio, which choreographs fireworks shows throughout the Midwest. ”I haven’t slept a full night in months.”

The explosion occurred in a city that makes 95 percent of America’s fireworks. Fireworks factories in China, and anywhere, are extremely dangerous by the way. And the shortage is because many factories were rightly closed after this major blast.

Meanwhile, a three day period of mourning has begun in China for victims of the devastating earthquake in Sichuan, as hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of migrant workers try to reach home. On a cool note, If you want to contribute to the relief effort, Google has hooked up with organizations that will use 100% of your donation to support emergency relief efforts.

No word yet on what the situation may be in PVD, Bristol or at McCoy Stadium come the 4th, but I think we’ll be ok with less.

Underage blunt smokers: your days are numbered. While you may have been taking advantage of a loophole that may allow minors to buy blunt wraps, grinders, and other toolz of the devil, a change is gonna come.

The reputable clerks of Store 24 and the East Side Mini-mart told your reporter, who was only asking for this story, that they already card for the nefarious wraps. Nevertheless, this bill seems like it would bring a pretty broad category of shady instruments under the aegis of the lawz.

11-9-13.20. Drug paraphernalia, blunt cigars, and similar items. – (a) No person under eighteen (18) years of age shall purchase, nor shall any person sell, give or deliver to any person under eighteen (18) years of age:
(1) Any item that constitutes drug paraphernalia, as that term is defined in section 21-28.5-1, where the seller knows, or under the circumstances reasonably should know, that it would be used to convert, produce, process, prepare, test, analyze, pack, repack, store, contain, conceal, inject, ingest, inhale or otherwise introduce into the human body a controlled substance.
(2) Cigars sold singly, flavored cigars known as “blunts,” unflavored “blunts,” flavored and unflavored blunt wraps, cigarette rolling papers of any size or composition, cigarillos, and tiparillos

Convenience store mini-bong-buyers, under-age blunt enthusiasts and all other manners of roustabout are officially on notice. (more…)

No sarcasm, pun, or wit could make this news any funnier. Wonkette reports:

Hillary Clinton’s pick to win horse racing’s Kentucky Derby, Eight Belles — the only female horse in the race — finished second, broke both front ankles, and subsequently was put to death on the track. The first place horse was “Big Brown.” Go nuts.

This makes my Dad’s attempt to find political meaning in the “underdog” Giants’ victory over the “machine candidate” Patriots in Superbowl 2k8 seem even more far fetched by comparison.