No sarcasm, pun, or wit could make this news any funnier. Wonkette reports:

Hillary Clinton’s pick to win horse racing’s Kentucky Derby, Eight Belles — the only female horse in the race — finished second, broke both front ankles, and subsequently was put to death on the track. The first place horse was “Big Brown.” Go nuts.

This makes my Dad’s attempt to find political meaning in the “underdog” Giants’ victory over the “machine candidate” Patriots in Superbowl 2k8 seem even more far fetched by comparison.

Anyone remember that scene in Hedwig and the Angry Inch in which Yitzhak says, “Fuck you, I’m going to Guam!” and threatens to leave the Angry Inch for a Pacific Island tour of Rent? Yeah, I haven’t heard anything about Guam since then either.

BUT, our Guamian friends pulled through today, awarding Obama a 7-vote victory over H-Bomb in their Democratic primary. Although Guam can send eight pledged delegates to the Democratic Convention in Denver, the U.S. citizens of Guam aren’t actually allowed to vote in November’s general election.

At any rate, thanks Guam!!

• Obnoxious Bush re-declared May Day “Law Day USA.” Really.
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon wed in ceremony so secret its not even true.
• It’s snowing in hell: The man known as “Cheney’s Cheney” may submit to acongressional subpoena.
• Obama beats a 14-year old at P-I-G.
• Shady Alert! Recently convicted “DC Madam,” who pimped to Washington’s most powerful hooker-lovers, “commits suicide.”
• HP invents the memristor, offering new hope to DARPA, Warcraft fanatics, AI and futuristic-ass projects like these.
• Florida school commits travesty of the millennium, fires bio teacher for bikini boat side-gig:

Well, the national media spent a goodly 6 weeks ogling the residents of Pennsylvania, trotting them hither and thither to elocute on gun rights and the flag. The candidates fed their cows and drank their beer and ate their sweet chocolates, prayed in their churches and bowled their balls, and flooded their television sets and radio waves with attack spots and rally footage and utterance upon utterance of “I approve this message.”

I personally think it was the debate. The mudball questions of the first hour weren’t even so much an insult to Obama, who got the bulk of the unfair questions but who could’ve performed better, but to the voters of Pennsylvania. And they, in turn, decided to basically grant the media’s wish, and offered up an “f you right back.” Like a groundhog returning to its burrow, PA has left us with the assurance of a longer winter.

With the dust now settled, HRC took a nine point win. A win, to be sure, but one smaller than her Ohio margin, and not one big enough to alter the fundamental math. Basically, both candidates did what they needed to do: HRC got the convincing win she needed to stay alive, and Obama got the strong showing he needed to keep on pace for the nomination.

Obama could wrap it up with wins in North Carolina and Indiana in two weeks time. Until then, may God have mercy on our souls.

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Looks like NK is converting its government computiz to more energy efficient systems. Apparently, this freaky Earth-lovin’ is also good on the wallet:

By making the move, the town of 26,000 residents estimates it will save more than $20,000 per year in energy costs.

Kudos, and remember, don’t go spending it all on carbon!

Also, wait, Tom Friedman gets pied in the face at Brown on Earth Day, while Dell, of The World Is Flat’s Dell Theory of Conflict Resolution fame, installs green computers in North Kingstown?

I guess it all means that mastering the global supply chain is very different from avoiding the global pie chain.

Maybe I have a stronger knee jerk reaction to frivilous lawsuits than most, but…

This from Fox News (my favorite source and yours):

A woman whose husband died after receiving a liver transplant infected with a rodent virus is suing PetSmart Inc., claiming the chain should have warned customers that hamsters can carry the virus.

The federal lawsuit alleges Thomas Magee, 54, and two other organ recipients died after transplants from a woman who had contracted a virus from a hamster she bought at a PetSmart store in Warwick, R.I.

Bruce Richardson, a spokesman for the Phoenix-based chain, would not comment on the lawsuit Wednesday but said the virus is rare.

…but I am on PetSmart’s side! That is a one in a million (dollar) situation. I don’t think anyone should be blamed, least of all the hamster flingers! And as Sir Charles Cornbit, my pet guinea pig, used to say, “Life’s tough and then you die. Stop giving me those nasty pellets.”

I can’t believe I missed this in the New York Times yesterday:

 ”Possible Nazi Theme of Grand Prix Boss’s Orgy Draws Calls to Quit”

 In a sublimely perverse, supremely hilarious article that at first glance seems like something ripped straight from the Onion, the Times reports on Max Mosley, president of a formula one governing body, who was recently revealed to have participated in “a depraved Nazi sadomasochistic orgy” with five prostitutes in London’s Chelsea district.

According to the Times:

The video showed Mr. Mosley counting in German — “Eins! Zwei! Drei! Vier! Funf!” — as he used a leather strap to lash one of the women.

“She needs more of ze punishment!” he cried in German-accented English. One woman appeared to search his hair for lice while another called off items on an inspection list.

 But, wait–it gets better:

Family history has added to the notoriety: Mr. Mosley, 67, is the younger son of Britain’s 1930s fascist leader, Sir Oswald Mosley, and the society beauty Diana Mitford, whose secret wedding in Berlin in October 1936 was held at the home of the Nazi propaganda chief Joseph Goebbels and included Hitler as a guest of honor.

Read the full story here.

Opposition claims Zimbabwe election victory; Robert Mugabe mum with the “official count” still secret.

Keith Richards is too high to write autobiography, remember life.

Saudi Prince plans mile-high tower in Jeddah. Tower-of-Babel jokes not OK. Penis jokes inevitable.

Russia wants to build a tunnel from Siberia to Alaska, mostly to export their cave-dwelling, anti-credit card and processed food doomsday cult.

As the Olympic torch sets off from Tiananmen Square, German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she’ll boycott the Beijing Games.

Turkish Supreme Court to hear case “to ban the President, Prime Minister and the country’s ruling party on grounds that they’re threatening the constitutionally-mandated secular basis of the state.” Now that’s separation of church and state.

Big ups to the lovely and brilliant Ariel Werner, Brown junior, criminal justice reformer, Dose blogger and Rhode Island’s own and only 2008 Truman Scholar. Her bio on truman.gov:

Ariel Werner is a student at Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island, where she works to understand and mitigate the effects of mass incarceration. In 2006, she served as Student Coordinator of the RI Right to Vote Campaign, a ballot initiative that restored voting rights to 15,000 individuals on parole and probation. She received a C. V. Starr Public Service Fellowship in 2007 to work at the RI Family Life Center for ex-offenders and an Arthur Liman Public Interest Law Fellowship in 2008. She currently coordinates Space in Prison for the Arts and Creative Expression (SPACE), a Brown student group that works to provide a forum for creativity within the RI Adult Correctional Institution.

Kim beat me to the punch on RIFuture, but all of us at the Dose are proud of Ariel. Especially me. Way to rep the Ocean State!

West Virginia beat Duke this week, moving into the Round of 16 in NCAA tournament, and knocking out a 2nd seeded team with eight McDonalds All-Americans. The NYT notes that RI native and former Hendricken star Joe Mazzulla was a big part of the offense that put WV over the top:

[Duke Coach] Krzyzewski called Mazzulla the game’s most valuable player.

[Joe] Alexander and Mazzulla represent how a program of overachievers has become a well-balanced medley featuring the finesse offense favored by the former coach John Beilein and the rugged defense taught by Huggins.

Alexander barely played for his prep school team at Hargrave Military Academy and picked the Mountaineers over Tulane. Mazzulla is from Rhode Island, not a hot spot on the college recruiting trail, and picked West Virginia over Atlantic 10 programs.

Obama’s speech yesterday addressing race and the manufactured Jeremiah Wright controversy was brilliant and moving. Whether you agree with that assessment or see him as a crafty politician giving another pretty speech, it is notable for the fact that he actually dared to speak to the voters about a difficult issue as if they were mature adults capable of nuanced understanding and rational discussion.

It is unfortunate that we have to praise him for what should be the standard in American political discourse, but the fact remains that such forthright maturity is decidedly not the standard. All that remains to be seen is whether the voters (and pundits, and media, and his political opponents) actually are mature adults capable of nuanced understanding and rational discussion.

- WTF? New NY Gov David Paterson already involved in non-prostitute sex scandal.

- Dalai Lama calls China’s bluff:
“Search my urine and stool to see if I incited the riots.”

- Brown going to the College Basketball Invitational (???), URI to the NIT [Boston Herald].

- The dollar has ebola, but RISD bonds are way way up! RISD Bonds?!?

- Diddy denies report connecting him to Tupac’s murder. Why are we hearing about this now?

- Chafee slams H. Clinton’s war vote as “Democratic Bush-enabling.” Just facts, ma’am.

- Surprise! RI Landfill corporation “donated millions of dollars in public money to charities in return for sports tickets, meals and other perks and paid above-market prices for land connected to government officials.” Whoopsie!

Last night’s dramatic hat trick by Hillary Clinton does not bode well for Obama, or for America at large. Oh sure, if the democratic process is allowed to work its magic without interference from the Clinton political machine, Obama should still secure the nomination. Super Tuesday, the Sequel did not damage Obama’s chance at victory so much as it did his theme of hope. more »

That left-wing nutjob David Segal gave us his two cents about Nader a couple days ago. Looks like Chris Maisano of the Young Democratic Socialists (a fine organization of wonderful left-wing nutjobs) is basically in agreement.

Nader represents nobody but himself at this point in his career trajectory. He is not attached to any third party, and is not the main spokesperson for any kind of existing social and political movement. All of the social forces that brought some substance to his 2000 campaign, namely students and youth, for better or worse are clearly in Barack Obama’s camp. They will not be going anywhere else, even if Obama makes no attempt to stake out a more progressive position before the November election, assuming he is the nominee (a possibility that looks more likely every day). Nader simply does not appear to have any substantive reservoir of electoral support to draw from, rendering his effort little more than a vanity candidacy. In this context, support for the Nader campaign represents a withdrawal from actual politics and an empty moral gesture. Where the hell were you the past four years, Ralph?

Ralph, in case you didn’t notice, that was the sound of your base running out the door.

  Pawtucket gets some credit for steping up its game, landing the number 9 slot in this month’s Art Calendar magazine:

Hall said she was aware of Pawtucket’s reputation as an “artist-friendly” place, as well as being one of nine cities in Rhode Island that offer tax incentives to working artists. “There are only a few areas of the country that are doing things like that,” she said. Hall called Pawtucket “a model city” for other municipalities that want to reinvent themselves as “art towns.”

“They have a great program and it is very established,” she said. “I would say it is one of the most solid places for an artist to live.”

Arts guru Herb Weiss* is stoked: “This article in Art Calendar is a reflection of the buzz and sizzle that is occurring nationwide about Pawtucket being a great city for working artists. It’s a concrete example that what we’re doing here is working.”

*Arts guru Herb Weiss is also on the ballot on Tuesday, as an uncommitted delegate to the Dem convention.

That’s what “Casse-toi” means, right? Here’s President Sarkozy crapping on some jerk:

[youtube:http://youtube.com/watch?v=axDyUNWyuw8]

According to Yahoo Answers, the conversation went something like this:

Sarkozy is shaking hands on the ropeline. He tries to Shake a man’s hand, who refuses.

Ornery Frenchmen, to Sarko: “No I won’t shake your hand, you’ll make me dirty.”

Sarko: “Go fuck yourself, you poor shmuck.”

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