In case you didn’t get the 3 am text from ObamaWorld, OBAMA HAS CHOSEN BIDEN! LONG LIVE OBAMA/BIDEN 08!

Sorry Tim Kaine fans. Biden’s as safe as Fort Knox, but, on the other hand, he’s got some obvious strong points - he’s a wicked smart politician who can play the bulldog (remember when he singlehandedly destroyed Rudy Giuliani’s campaign with one line), who’s good with them Democratic base, who’s relatively unexposed to party splitting Hillaryism, and, perhaps most importantly, he’s the potential pick (with the possible exception of Bill Richardson) who can bring some gravitas to the ticket without overshadowing the main man.

To repeat: It’s Biden. Woop woop.

Itinerant reader Nathaniel tips us off to this smokin’ hot video of a Bush lobbyist shaking down representatives of Kyrgyzstan’s exiled ex-president for “a couple hundred thousand dollars” in Bush library contributions in exchange for a visit with Dubya.

And that’s legal?? The UK Times says this is a real “row,” which I assume means one more in a series of soul-numbing lessons on the direct relationship between power and corruption. Thanks Lord Acton!

Or perhaps it’s just that Presidential libraries are the ultimate shakedown.

Buried in the story of the daring rescue of FARC hostage Ingrid Betancourt last week was this ‘lil gem on how the Colombian commandos were able to infiltrate the rebel base and spirit her away:

A white painted helicopter — backed by dozens of others in the area — landed at the rebels’ jungle base at dawn, carrying military personnel masquerading as FARC members. Ms Betancourt said she was disappointed that they were not the aid workers she had expected. Looking at the helicopter crew members, who were wearing T-shirts emblazoned with images of Che Guevara, “I thought, this is FARC,” she said on television, and presumed they were part of a mission to transport the hostages to another location.

Che shirts? Really? That was their disguise? Does this mean that half of disaffected white suburbia could stumble into a FARC base and be treated like one of the gang?

(…*To Inspire You To Hide Under Your Bed Until Jan. 21, 2009)

 This must-read report just in from the New Yorker’s “This Would Be Funny If It Wasn’t So Fucking Scary” Department: “Preparing the Battlefield: The Bush administration steps up its secret moves against Iran” by the ever-vigilant Seymour Hersh.

 Hersch writes:

Late last year, Congress agreed to a request from President Bush to fund a major escalation of covert operations against Iran, according to current and former military, intelligence, and congressional sources. These operations, for which the President sought up to four hundred million dollars, were described in a Presidential Finding signed by Bush, and are designed to destabilize the country’s religious leadership.

This may sound like generically scary Bush warmongering, but it’s actually so much more. (more…)

Look, folks over at the Associated Press… I know things are bad. Real bad. Still, when you’re penning the End Times journalism pick of the week, write a decent headline.

Midwestern levees are bursting. Polar bears are adrift. Gas prices are skyrocketing. Home values are abysmal. Air fares, college tuition and health care border on unaffordable. Wars without end rage in Iraq, Afghanistan and against terrorism.

Horatio Alger, twist in your grave.

Twist, damn you!

In other sad news, and a subtle reminder of how ridiculous this headline is, Zimbabwe opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai is dropping out five days before the the presidential runoff election there.

At a news conference, Mr. Tsvangirai, who leads the opposition Movement for Democratic Change, or M.D.C., said he was unwilling to ask the party’s supporters to go to the polls on Friday “when that vote will cost them their lives.”

Mr. Tsvangirai’s decision came on a day when governing party youth militia armed with iron bars, sticks and other weapons beat his supporters as they sought to attend a rally for him in Harare.

Kiss livestock-generated methane goodbye, thanks to some plucky New Zealand fart-doctors.

New Zealand scientists claim to have developed a “flatulence inoculation” aimed at cutting down on the massive amount of methane produced by its sheep and cows.

Such animals are believed to be responsible for more than half of the country’s greenhouse gases, causing huge environmental problems.

I smell a Nobel prize… by which I mean sheep flatulence. (more…)

The controversial newscast, which shows the President repeatedly answering questions about his foreign policy decisions, is being called “deceitful…misleading and irresponsible” by the White House.

In other news, the White House is berating the media for refusing to not cover the rightful criticism of his appalling Knesset speech, and refusing to not pretend that he didn’t lie about giving up golf for the troops.

Oh no!

An explosion that destroyed 20 fireworks warehouses in China three months ago will probably dim night skies in the United States this Fourth of July.

Fireworks vendors said that because of the sudden shortage, fireworks such as bottle rockets, ladyfingers and Roman candles, as well as mortars used in professional displays, will be hard to get, meaning many of the usual pyrotechnic extravaganzas across the country may have to be pared back or even canceled.

”Everybody in the industry is scared to death that their orders aren’t going to get here in time,” said Ken Sprague, president of Hamburg Fireworks Display in Lancaster, Ohio, which choreographs fireworks shows throughout the Midwest. ”I haven’t slept a full night in months.”

The explosion occurred in a city that makes 95 percent of America’s fireworks. Fireworks factories in China, and anywhere, are extremely dangerous by the way. And the shortage is because many factories were rightly closed after this major blast.

Meanwhile, a three day period of mourning has begun in China for victims of the devastating earthquake in Sichuan, as hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of migrant workers try to reach home. On a cool note, If you want to contribute to the relief effort, Google has hooked up with organizations that will use 100% of your donation to support emergency relief efforts.

No word yet on what the situation may be in PVD, Bristol or at McCoy Stadium come the 4th, but I think we’ll be ok with less.

I can’t believe I missed this in the New York Times yesterday:

 ”Possible Nazi Theme of Grand Prix Boss’s Orgy Draws Calls to Quit”

 In a sublimely perverse, supremely hilarious article that at first glance seems like something ripped straight from the Onion, the Times reports on Max Mosley, president of a formula one governing body, who was recently revealed to have participated in “a depraved Nazi sadomasochistic orgy” with five prostitutes in London’s Chelsea district.

According to the Times:

The video showed Mr. Mosley counting in German — “Eins! Zwei! Drei! Vier! Funf!” — as he used a leather strap to lash one of the women.

“She needs more of ze punishment!” he cried in German-accented English. One woman appeared to search his hair for lice while another called off items on an inspection list.

 But, wait–it gets better:

Family history has added to the notoriety: Mr. Mosley, 67, is the younger son of Britain’s 1930s fascist leader, Sir Oswald Mosley, and the society beauty Diana Mitford, whose secret wedding in Berlin in October 1936 was held at the home of the Nazi propaganda chief Joseph Goebbels and included Hitler as a guest of honor.

Read the full story here.

Opposition claims Zimbabwe election victory; Robert Mugabe mum with the “official count” still secret.

Keith Richards is too high to write autobiography, remember life.

Saudi Prince plans mile-high tower in Jeddah. Tower-of-Babel jokes not OK. Penis jokes inevitable.

Russia wants to build a tunnel from Siberia to Alaska, mostly to export their cave-dwelling, anti-credit card and processed food doomsday cult.

As the Olympic torch sets off from Tiananmen Square, German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she’ll boycott the Beijing Games.

Turkish Supreme Court to hear case “to ban the President, Prime Minister and the country’s ruling party on grounds that they’re threatening the constitutionally-mandated secular basis of the state.” Now that’s separation of church and state.

That’s what “Casse-toi” means, right? Here’s President Sarkozy crapping on some jerk:

According to Yahoo Answers, the conversation went something like this:

Sarkozy is shaking hands on the ropeline. He tries to Shake a man’s hand, who refuses.

Ornery Frenchmen, to Sarko: “No I won’t shake your hand, you’ll make me dirty.”

Sarko: “Go fuck yourself, you poor shmuck.”

(more…)

Holy shit! Facebook just went bilingual:

Ahora hispanohablantes en todo el mundo pueden unirse a Facebook. Conéctate con todos tus amigos, en cualquier idioma.

Puedes cambiar tu preferencia de idioma aqui.

Usa el buscador de amigos para ver si mas de tus amigos se [h]an unido y invita a todos tus amigos hispanohablantes a que se registren.

I should totally get class credit for stalking people in Spanish.

p.s. — This is where that asshole Thomas Friedman would say, “The world is flat.”

In a real life caper ripped directly from the plot of The Thomas Crown Affair and Ocean’s Nine through Forty One, art thieves made off with some pricey impre$$ionist works:

Three thieves, wearing dark clothes and ski masks, walked into the Emile Bührle Foundation, a private collection housed a couple of miles outside of Zurich’s city center on the shore of Lake Zurich, around 4:30 p.m. on Sunday, a short while before the museum was due to close. The collection is considered to be one of the biggest privately owned collections of French impressionists in the world.

While one held a pistol and ordered visitors and staff members to lie on the floor in the main room of the museum, the two other men removed the four paintings from the wall: Monet’s “Poppy Field at Vetheuil,” “Ludovic Lepic and his Daughter” by Edgar Degas, Van Gogh’s “Blooming Chestnut Branches,” and Cézanne’s “Boy in the Red Waistcoat.” Their total worth is estimated at $163 million.

(more…)

Apparently, there is a school named the “Senator Obama Kogelo Secondary School” in her village of Nyangoma-Kogelo. On the issue of restoring America’s credibility in the world, there ain’t no Hillary Clinton Elementary schools in East Africa, folks.

…Yeltsin and Clinton were totally shit-faced at Camp David.