DEA investigators have subpoenaed former child star (and current floozy) Mary-Kate Olsen to gain information about the death of her friend, Heath Ledger. Mary-Kate, however, refuses to speak with the feds about Ledger’s painkiller use or anything else without first being granted immunity. The AP reports:

Olsen’s lawyer has twice refused requests for her to speak with investigators, said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the investigation was ongoing. The lawyer, Michael C. Miller, said the “Full House” actress has nothing to do with the drugs, and has already told the government everything she knows.

“We have provided the government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger’s death,” Miller said in a statement Monday, “and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed.”

[...] Police say [the masseuse who found Ledger's body] spent nine minutes making three calls to Olsen before dialing 911 for help, then called the actress a fourth time after paramedics arrived. At some point during the flurry of frantic calls, Olsen, who was in California, summoned her personal security guards to the apartment to help, police said.

Shortly after the Australian-born actor’s death, Olsen issued a statement that read: “Heath was a friend. His death is a tragic loss.”

I am not the only person who has been commenting on Cox’s choppy and undependable signal lately, but last night takes the cake. ‘Late Night with Conan O’Brien’ had on Seth Green, Eugene Mirman, and Russell Brand. It does not get any better than that folks — what was it, ‘adorable’ night? (At least RB got past immigration this time.) But for about the first 12 minutes of the show the signal was kaput! Cox customers saw nothing but a “Gone Fishing” sign. That’s considered a lot of dead air in the TV business I believe. And it blacked out twice during the Russell Brand segment as well. (Go here to watch the segment.) This is not the first time I have lost patience with Cox — maybe it’s time to get a dish.

*(That’s right Jersey Girls, I’m throwing down. I can talk dirty and get my numbers up too. See you at the next Christmas Party — we’ll see who’s on top then.)

Trial begins this week in Superior Court for Capt. Gualter Botas, 39, of Pawtucket, and Lt. Kenneth J. Viveiros, 56, of North Providence. The two ACI Correctional Officers face seven counts and four counts, respectively, of simple assault involving four inmates. Edward Fitzpatrick reports for the ProJo:

During Superior Court testimony on Wednesday and Thursday, former inmate Matthew S. Gumkowski testified that Botas “sucker-punched” him after he made a vulgar suggestion to the captain on June 8, 2005.

At the time, Gumkowski, 27, of East Greenwich, was serving sentences on drug delivery and weapon possession charges, and he was caught with a $20 bill at the minimum-security facility. Paper currency is prohibited at the prison unless inmates are on work release. [...] Gumkowski said the punch landed near his right eye and cheek bone and he began bleeding. “It was split open,” he said. “He threw some napkins at me and said, ‘Go ahead and do something and I’ll call a code.’ [...]

In February 2007, District Court Judge Madeline Quirk found Botas, Viveiros and correctional officer Ernest Spaziano guilty of assaulting Gonzalez, an inmate who was serving a sentence on a drug conviction. The three officers appealed their convictions to Superior Court. Spaziano, 40, of Burrillville, was the first to go to trial in Superior Court, and earlier this year he was found not guilty of assaulting Gonzalez. Now, Botas and Viveiros are receiving a Superior Court trial. Originally, the trial was to include allegations that Botas forced inmate Michael Walsh to taste his own feces.

But Michael J. Healey, a spokesman for the attorney general’s office, said Procaccini granted a defense motion to sever that allegation from the others. He said the judge told prosecutors they could either try all the allegations at once while not using evidence that Walsh was “allegedly made to eat his own feces” — or they could use that evidence and try the Walsh allegation separately. Prosecutors chose to have a separate trial.

So, yeah. COs, meet my friend, Justice. Play nice, boys.

…OMIGOD! And you thought the air in Beijing was bad… look at the ‘water’!

Well, I’ve been waiting for a story ridiculous enough to make me come out of hiding, and here it is. An Illinois man, for some reason deemed ‘artist’ by the AP, has legally changed his name to “In God we Trust.” The New Haven Register reports:

A school bus driver and amateur artist from the Chicago suburb of Zion has legally changed his name to “In God We Trust.” A Lake County circuit court judge approved Steve Kreuscher’s (CROY’-shirz) name change petition on Friday. The 57-year-old’s first name was changed to “In God,” while his last name was changed to “We Trust.” He says the new name symbolizes the help God gave him during tough times and says he can’t wait to begin signing his artwork with the new moniker.

In other news, I’m changing my name to “Barack Obama.”

From the mailbag:

“I may be interested in contributing, however, allegatons that Obama is attempting to enslave society are of a major concern to me. When it comes to workers rights, if you are a desired employer, if you are an employer that is liked by your employees, then people would naturally want to work for you, and you would not have to attempt to enslave them.

And if someone leaves for a better opportunity, which should be a workers right, then if you are a good employer then you should have no problem finding willing employees. Attempting to metaphysically barge into the lives of people, and take total control of their work life, is a serious crime because it can lead to a slow death, the equivalent of murder.

If Obama and his people want some work out of me then the first thing they can do is to stop making ridiculous attempts at attempting to seek dominion over me for any period of time, if it so be against my will.”

Just when you thought there was nothing else that Hillary’s minions could say or do to make you dry heave in terror (like, for example, claim that perennially pampered Florida voters are facing Zimbabwe-esque levels of political oppression), Harold Ickes has gone and done it.

Yes, it’s true that today’s DNC Rules and Bylaws Committee meeting was an overall win for Obama, in that, shitshow* notwithstanding, the Committee decided to seat the FL and Michigan delegations with half-votes each, and to give Obama the uncommitted delegates from Michigan. Yes, Obama is still going to be the nominee, as he now has 2050 delegates, needs 2118 to clinch, and will pick up at least 40 between now and the final primaries in South Dakota and Montana on Tuesday, meaning that he needs only 20 of the remaining 200 superdelegates to finish the job. And yes, Hillary did indeed have every right to fight for her desired outcome, which her surrogates did in a losing effort to seat the Florida delegation with full votes before unanimously backing the half-vote compromise.

But Harold Ickes needs to get a grip. When it came time to talk Michigan, a state where Obama (and Edwards) had taken his name off of the ballot, where “Uncommitted” had garnered 45% of the vote, where turnout was absolutely anemic because there was only one candidate running (in Soviet Russia, election wins you!), Ickes had the gall to say that Hillary should get her delegates and Obama should get none, and then got so huffy about it that he threatened to take that dispute to the convention.

Huh? For a campaign that has been playing fast and loose with the word “disenfranchisement” it’s pretty befuddling to think that counting the results of an election with only one candidate on the ballot, where more people stayed home than voted, without any consideration of those factors is not basically the worst solution. Wouldn’t such a solution disenfranchise those non-voters? And what about all of the African American voters who went with uncommitted, you know, the ones who will be absolutely crucial to winning Michigan?

“Fannie Lou” Ickes cannot be bothered with such trifling matters. Here he is debasing himself in a duke-it-out with Sen. Carl Levin:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PewIXrzzazo] more »

Following from today’s tragedy there, I’ve become aware of all of the Youtube vids of landings at Toncontin International.  Worth the watch.

From the ground: 

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loyKfeV7NFg&feature=related]
Cockpit view:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAxAso8xSo0]

From the terminal: 

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq27xilS2bE&feature=related]

…a few days ago when I mentioned Jane Goodall’s refusal to come to Brown.  For (new) videos of monkeys moving stuff with their thoughts, via the NYTimes, click here.

Two monkeys with tiny sensors in their brains have learned to control a mechanical arm with just their thoughts, using it to reach for and grab food and even to adjust for the size and stickiness of morsels when necessary, scientists reported on Wednesday.

Also, if you wanna set the monkeys free, email me, here.

Journalism 101. Okay class, a prominent United States senator from a famous American family has recently had a dire diagnosis of cancer, but he is out of the hospital and appearing very chipper. In fact, in an uplifting display of his optimism and fortitude he is participating in his favorite annual boat race, the “Figawi”. This is a story of national and local importance so… what to do… what to do? Let’s just put it in quotes, and then stop putting it in quotes, and pray we haven’t offended our advertisers.

Ahh, prom. Poofy dresses, lost virginities, spiked punch. The overhyped teenage rite of passage that so few of us actually enjoyed.

There’s news that juniors at an all-girls school in Staten Island will be barred from attending their prom if they do not bring a male date. From some TV station in New York:

The juniors at St. Peter’s Girl’s High School have one week to find a boy to take to prom, or they’re not allowed to go. It’s a new rule that has some parents upset.

“I don’t think it’s right because what if they don’t have a boyfriend?” mother Tanya Altieri said. “[They're] forced to go bring somebody off the street, or a cousin? That’s embarrassing … or your brother?”

I don’t get Principal Florence Bricker’s logic. I think it’s fine if a 17-year-old girl want to hang out with her friends during prom and not have some guy she’s not that into on her arm all night.

Alright, then, rabble-rousers. I’ve attached a link to the St. Peter’s Girls High School website here. I suggest we all flood Principal Bricker’s inbox and voicemail with complaints from all over the nation that she is totally archaic.

Lessons learned from Katrina: A few people might’ve slipped through the immigration net during the frenzy, so we’ll risk evacuating people even more slowly to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

U.S. citizenship to be checked in event of a storm
Agents to watch those in the Valley who board buses to flee a hurricane

BROWNSVILLE — Ending speculation about the fate of the Rio Grande Valley’s undocumented immigrants during a hurricane evacuation, U.S. Customs and Border Protection has confirmed it will check the citizenship both of people boarding buses to leave the Valley and at inland traffic checkpoints.

You know you want to. Sue Simmons (Channel4 news in NYC) says a swear live. nsfw

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYAMDhVT50I]

Go pie-ing, I mean? Projo’s gotta know. Here are some answers — and it goes without saying that the immigrants are somehow to blame:

That is when you need to show respect even if you disagree with the other person. I don’t know what is going on in this country that people have no self respect, and show it when they do something like that !! The American people need to return back to the behavior they had before all these illegals came here and ruined this country with their ignorance !!!

It all depends on the pie. You don’t throw cherry pies for antiwar stuff, but it is great for innapropriate college speakers. Banana-cream will be okay for most occassions. Mostly you have to consider what the protest is and what type of pie will get your message across best. Whipped cream compliments any pie whether throwing, tossing, or mushing it in with a good face-grind.

No. This is Rhode Island. I think that if you are going to throw some food item it should be a donut. You could go with the ones with cream on them. So them that they are cruel with a cruller.

By the first night of Passover this year, Providence supermarkets had already run out of Matzo. To those of us planning on observing the holiday’s mandated eight-day abandonment of chametz, leavened breads and wheat/yeast-filled products, this presented quite the dilemma. [Oy vey!] Ultimately, Ari and I found a secret stash of Matzo at the Shaws in Cranston but, still, the Providence Matzo shortage seemed pretty bizarre. What’s up? It’s not that there’s been an influx of Jews to Providence, or a rapid increase in the number of Jews who observe Passover, says Jennifer Steinhauer of the New York Times; the problem is a national Matzo shortage.

Steinhauer explains:

From coast to coast, a shortfall of the unleavened flat cracker bread eaten by Jews during the eight days of Passover has sent shoppers scurrying from store to store in search of it. On Monday, Allison Mnookin circled the aisles of her local Whole Foods store in San Mateo, Calif., three times. There was no matzo to be found. [...]

more »

The Supreme Court has just decided that the lethal injection method, as performed now in 35 states, does not constitute cruel and unusual punishment. I’ll say up front that I am opposed to the death penalty. But my question now is more scientific in nature — why is it so frigging hard to kill these people? I have had major surgery. They put a mask over your face and tell you to count backwards from 100. You never get past 99. They then plunge scalpels and clamps and sponges and spatulas and iPods and God-knows-what-all into your body and you never feel a thing! Plus, every year people die accidentally on the operating table because of problems with the anesthesia … can’t those guys write ‘Lethal Injections for Dummies’ for the prison system? This shouldn’t be that hard.