Awww, shit, you gotta be kidding me? How come I didn’t get a memo on this one? Oh, right, because my office is my bedroom and my secretary is my cat. Darn.

Apparently, would-be writers, the trick is not to solicit publishers one-by-one hoping to find one for whom your novel/screenplay/poetry/suckpileofhumanexcrement is a perfect fit. No, no, no, that is –so– 2007. Why waste your name with that? Just place an ad on Craigslist like Gina did:

The headline reads “Writer seeking Publisher“…

more »

In case you were wondering, honesty is not dead in the digital age. Today on craigslist, the best men seeking women personal of the day:

The headline reads: “I just want to get laid.”

Who doesn’t?

The text of the ad reads:

“I don’t want to meet your mother or father. I don’t care about your personal life, your history or your dreams and aspirations. I just want to fuck you. It’s natural, I’ve got the penis and you’ve got the vagina. Hopefully they fit together. The rest of these guys are just yanking on your chain to get down your pants after some cheap pizza and beer. All men are scumbags and I am the only honest scumbag left on the planet. You read this far so obviously you are not all that disgusted so send me a photo and Ill send you one of mine.”

The honesty of this ad is refreshing. Why more people don’t just put it right out there like this astounds me. I’d like to shake this guy’s hand.

Don’t think I forgot about my homeboys. I found you fellas out there a little someone special:

Creative Diva Looking for Ideal Man

This 5′6″ cutie has bi-colored eyes and can’t start a conversation to save her life, but she loves getting nasty underneath the sheets. She’s good at it, too, evidently: she has four kids, all of whom still live at home. Dude, now’s your chance to start that band.

If all of that wasn’t good enough for you, Creative Diva has an identical twin. Hot city, ain’t it? The undertone of this ad suggests that Ms. Diva is the “good” twin, while the other mysterious twin is the wild child twin. I say you find out what Ms. Diva looks like, then go find her swinging sista. Maybe she has less children.

Since Ms. Diva posted her ad in Missed Connections instead of the expected Women Seeking Men section, it’s clear that Ms. Diva is either: 1) innovative in her approach to man-hunting or 2) dumb. Either works in your favor. Go get her, cowboy.

Okay, ladies, I found a real winner for you:

Ax Dude Seeks Love

The ad starts with: “I’m sick of being judged by the way I look?”, which, please note, is not a definitive statement but a question, as if the writer wonders if, in fact, he is being judged for the way he looks, not for the weaponry in his hands. “CONSIDER ME WILLY FUCKING WONKA,” demands the ad, before ending with, in a most beautiful irony, “Please, no fatties.”

Go ahead, girls. Fight it out.