Some say my way of speech and writing are olde fashioned, and that may be true. I have been away many years, deep in study of strange, far away landes. But now I return, dear Providence, to take up again my favorite pursuits, both antiquarian and now also modern. In time, I hope to bend my wordes to be more like yours. In time…

While ‘renovations’ continue at the bungalow on the Pawtuxet, I find it passing faire to retreat into the shadows of the townhouse on College Hill, and to survey the changes since last I spent much tyme in the dank and festering City. You remember how I hate the day and associations with common people? So you will take no aback from my love (How do you say now? ‘lurve’?) for this electronical type-writing machine that lets me work in the close, damp cellar of my parent’s ancient home wearing little more than an undergarment, and yet this same device sends my writings to all points around our small and ignorant globe without any wiring or other means of conveyance. Perhaps humanity is SLIGHTLY less doomed to eternal darkness than once we thought…

And such interesting items does this contraption bring to us. Messages, seemingly of mild innocence, that, to the knowing eye, are veiled references to esoteric concepts best spoke through syne and symbol. I have prepared one for you to ponder. After ye Jump. more »

Why would a merciful God create two things that look like this?  Well, I’m no philosopher but I know a stinkhorn when I see (and smell) one.  The fruiting body of these fungi (family, Phallaceae) use odor to attract flies who then carry the sticky spores away on their feet.  The park along the walking path on Blackstone Boulevard has seen an explosion of mushrooms etc. in all this wet weather.  This clump was near Wingate Road I think.  But hurry over and check it out, these things don’t last long [insert joke here].

It’s Saturday, September 27th! Print Lottery is tonight, 7-10pm @ 115 Empire St. (AS220). I keep promising cake, and that keeps being a lie. But FOR REAL this time, there’s gonna be like, 200 cupcakes and a bunch of wicked awesome vegan cookies, I SWEAR TO YOU. Not to mention, 200+ prints, 200+ artists, 200+ WINNERS!!!!! If you haven’t already bought your ticket, you MAY be shit out of luck but there also MAY be a couple tickets sold at the door so GET THERE EARLY and bring $75!!! Or just show up for the hell of it, it’s going to be a total shit show!
If you can’t buy a ticket, THAT’S COOL, drink Narragansett at the bar tonight and all profits go to the printshop!
See you there!

My main concern with today’s news is the timing.  If little Bristol’s water breaks during the inauguration ceremony those marble steps could become quite a hazard. America’s race to the bottom continues. People uncomfortable with the dreaded ‘elite’ label ought to feel right at home with the Palins.

Curious as to why I hadn’t heard any news lately concerning the Dose kickball team, the Providence Burnsiders, I checked out the PKL website. Now that I have read the standings and the box scores all I can say is — dear merciful god in heaven please make it stop. We didn’t play yesterday (there’s a blessing) but in our last game on July 26th we lost to the Holy Rollers 18 to 5. According to the write-up, our players have removed those brown flappy things they once sported on the sides of their faces and they have now pinned them to their shoulders (s’posed to be epaulettes) with mixed results. In our defense, it was the last game of the day and I can imagine that our players were ‘hot’ and ‘tired’ by then. Well… we aren’t the worst team… yet. There are two more regular season games.

Save the Date/August 23rd/Season Championships/Allstar Game/Festival of Losers

An update for Dave’s coverage of last night’s immigration raids that took janitors across the state–RI Jobs with Justice and others are holding a press conference in about half an hour to respond to last night’s events:

Last night ICE detained 31 people as they got to work.
Stand together today to say we won’t let raids break up our communities.
Join us TODAY (7/16) at 3pm in front of family court. 1 Dorrance Plaza.

You can also read about the raids in today’s BeloJo.

It’s official. The Japanese are mental.

For fair-skinned people outdoor music festivals are a non-starter. And actually, it’s great to have an excuse for getting out of something that looks like hell on earth, even for people who have melanin. Sunshine and music are mutually exclusive as far as I’m concerned — rock should be heard in a dark club with a sticky floor (and I still miss the smoke). Artist Andrew Kuo has created these elaborate charts outlining exactly “why Bonnaroo sounds like a nightmare to me”. Go to the New York Times music page for a readable image. Click on “Rock! Sun! Crowds! You Go Without Me”. It’s genius.

Well, it took millions of dollars, and thousands of man-hours, but through the miracle of CGI, animators have finally taken the cuddliest and most adorable creatures ever to walk the earth and made them creepy and menacing. Thank you Dreamworks.

The Sunday ProJo had a nice piece by Charles P. Whitin about the rhythms of life on College Hill and the simple pleasures to be found there. And, like me, he is a people-watcher —

An amazing amount of pulchritude unveils itself as the weather warms, most evident in the young women of the Hill, while the men, by and large, go incognito, relatively hidden in a ubiquitous uniform of athletic shoes, baggy shorts and visored caps, less commodities on display than diamonds in the rough. Or is this just because I am a heterosexual male, and fail to notice, being otherwise distracted?

Nope, you are absolutely correct Mr. Whitin, and I’m a heterosexual female. The other day I had a cup of coffee outside at Blue State and took in the passing scene. Almost all of the guys looked like they had walked straight out of a gym (except for the irrefutable evidence that they had clearly never walked into a gym). Most were wearing crappy tees and flip flops and those nylon athletic shorts. Guys… you don’t look casual… you look ’special’. This would be fine I suppose if their female counterparts were similarly attired, but they are not. The girls are pretty stylish and put-together. This disparity was weirdly on display with the couples — real cute girls who appeared to be on a community service project with their ’special little fella’. Come on ladies, it’s time to go Lysistrata on their sorry asses. No nookie until they shape up. (And end the war while you’re at it.)

call mother

No need to worry about the rice shortage when human flesh is so plentiful — good source of protein too — so let’s get zombified.

8:30 PM — Preparations for the third annual Zombie Day invasion take place in the Upper Quad at RISD, 55 Angell Street, where an experienced team will apply makeup and blood. Your clothes will get messed up, plan accordingly.

10:00 PM — From there, the zombies will swarm down Thayer Street, lurch around Brown, and back to Angell Street in search of slow-moving yuppies and pie-throwing commies, vegans and freegans and out-of-town mommies. And please — I am begging you — get that guy who plays the saxophone. This is being organized (a relative term when speaking of zombies) by Andrew Fogel and a gang of RISD students who must insist that you be at least 18 years old to take part for reasons of liability. (Oh right, almost forgot, get the lawyers!) A donation of a buck or two is requested to support the purchase of the Z-Day supplies. You can even RSVP on Facebook.

11:00 PM until whenever — The Undead After-Party at Studio Blue, 271 Bullocks Point Avenue, Riverside — of which, more later.

Here’s a new entry in the self-loathing sweepstakes — how to talk to the children about your cosmetic surgery. In his new book (to be released on Mother’s Day) plastic surgeon Michael Salzhauer outlines the approaches for talking to your kids about being shallow and insecure and why the family won’t have a vacation this summer. Speaking to Newsweek magazine, one satisfied patient said she had read the book a half a dozen times with her 9-year-old son.

Instead of being uncomfortable about the surgery, Acosta says her son actually spoke up about it at a big party. “Did you see her new belly button? It’s so pretty!” he said of his mom. “I think he was proud,” she says.

Wait’ll he sees her tits.

This will be my hippie-dippy earth day contribution. No one who has read a description of the North Pacific garbage gyre (two vortices really) remains unchanged. ‘Polymers are Forever’ by Alan Weisman first appeared as an article in Orion Magazine. It was later incorporated into his excellent book The World Without Us and maybe you saw him on The Daily Show. So, get the plastic shopping bags out of your life anyway.  Just get a couple of totes and leave them in your car. It’s easy. Now, how am I supposed to buy shampoo?

Yeah great Michael, but you look like Superdork. As if Speedo hasn’t inflicted enough libido-crushing evil on the world… now this. My reasons for watching Olympic swimming just went from one to zero. According to the New York Times, since February when the new Speedo LZR Racer swimsuit was introduced “swimmers wearing it have sped to 22 of the 23 world records” set. There is some controversy as to whether this new suit is merely uber-streamlining or is actually enhancing buoyancy.

A coach who has worked with several Olympic gold medalists described the suit as “drugs on a hanger.” The coach did not want to be identified because some of the swimmers are sponsored by Speedo. The Italian national team coach Alberto Castagnetti recently told The Associated Press that wearing Speedo’s LZR suit was “technological doping.”