In the grand tradition of clever people with far too much time on their hands…

As an American, you have probably never heard of the Eurovision Song Contest, the mysteriously enduring annual competition where dated-sounding divas battle wretched crooners and novelty dance acts from across the continent that brought the world cuckoo clocks and Roberto Benigni. Over the years, Eurovision’s birthed a number of really classic three-minute pop songs, like Volare, Waterloo, and Ooh Ahh Just A Little Bit, but the style of the competition is generally at least fifteen to twenty years behind the pop charts. To give you an idea of the hipness quotient in the competition, Celine Dion won it wearing a tutu in 1988 and Katrina and the Waves won in 1997, a good thirteen years after “Walking On Sunshine.”

This year, forty-three countries have sent songs to Belgrade for the competition, and the first semi-final is tonight. (For some reason, they’re having two semi-finals this year to narrow the playing field down from forty-three to twenty-five. Which seems like very little elimination for two days of semi-finals, but what the hell do I know.) After the jump, my thoughts about the first-round competitors, over half of whom will be advancing to the next round.

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