Jersey Girls Talk Ish

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As per most everyone in the world, we here at the Dose have sex on the brain. And problems. We’ve enlisted two real-ass broads to help you with your relationship quagmires, and in the interest of anonymity, we’ll refer to them as S&M. Got a question for the girls? Hit ’em where it hurts:

Hello all! I’m S, and I’ve been asked by the editors of this fine website to sort out a few of your more delicate problems. I mean, I only know the answers because the same fantasy/fucked up scenario/burning sensation totally happened to a friend of mine. Enlisting the help, knowledge and humor of my very best girlfriend and fellow Jersey girl, M, I invite you to talk dirty to us. Below are actual questions submitted to us this week, so let’s get started!

Q: What is it that makes 21 or 22 year-old girls think, with their extremely limited life experience and/or emotional development, that they’re qualified to give any sort of real advice on sex or love in the first place?

A: First of all, I am 24 years old. And while it may come as a surprise, I have a decent amount of experience in both love and sex. I think we are funny, practical, open-minded ladies [Ed: They’ve been around…] and readers might enjoy hearing our take on the incestuous singles scene that is Providence. This little city is one big tangled web and I roll with enough black widows to know the deal.

Q: Dear S & M, Where do the cute/normal/potential boyfriends hang out in Providence? I feel like every guy I meet in this town is a total nutbag, is it just me?

A: Bad news. There are no normal guys in Providence. I’m sorry. Back when you were 19 the city was crawling with nice, datable guys, but you and your friends all rushed into “serious relationships” with them when you were too young and stupid to know better. You ruined them, broke their hearts, and mind-fucked them. Then –lucky for the slightly older version of yourself— you released them back into the wild as an insane shell of their former selves. Thanks bitches.

Seriously though, I’m not the expert on where to find nice normal guys, as I’ve never actually seen one in its natural habitat. [Ed: Uh, a little offended…] However, I can certainly tell you where you’re not going to find them:
– A dark sweaty corner of Monet Lounge’s VIP section
– Work
– On the opposite side of the bar from you
– Exiting Kartabar and entering Antonio’s (usually seen in a striped collared button down)
– The casual encounters section of Craigslist
– Last call, anywhere

Good luck, girlfriend. When you catch one, let us know.

Q: The guy I’m seeing sometimes has trouble staying hard when we’re having sex, and even when he does it takes FOREVER to finish. I can’t take it, what can I do?

A: There are two ways you can approach this;

a) Stop laying there like a dead fish and WORK IT, girl! Try harder, try anything. You’re making the rest of us look bad. Say something completely off-color. Take charge.
You could even try (gasp) asking him what the problem is. Communication is key and there are a handful of things (anti-depressants, homosexuality, secret cocaine addiction…) that dudes are kind of embarrased to talk about that could be contributing to your man’s issues besides your obvious laziness and lack of communication. Talk to the guy. If you can’t, you shouldn’t be sleeping with him anyway.

b) Fuck him when he’s sober.

Got Ish?


6 thoughts on “Jersey Girls Talk Ish”

  1. Matt DiPippo

    Hey, i resent that comment about how theres no normal guys in Providence anymore.. yes there are alot of d-bags but there are good ones. My friends and I are down there every week at level 2 and roxy for RiatNight. maybe if the chicks weren’t so drunk they would know a decent guy from a bad one…

  2. Man, i can’t wait until i have a bf, then i can apply everything that i have learned on this blog…even this “fuck him when he’s sober” comment. classic.

  3. And might I add…..I have since found a wonderful man who always keeps it up for me. He is the best lover I have ever had, miles and miles above anyone else. Love you G!

  4. God, the last q&a rang so true for me. I wish I could have had S&M’s advice when I was with my ex. I tried everything, but it turned out that Big Pete had a secret coke addiction and there was simply nothing I could do to get his pile of mush to solidify for me. For the girl who asked the question, I would say, “Press on, sister. Press on.” There are so many guys that can get hard from the sound of your voice alone, don’t waste anymore time on this d-bag. See ya!!

  5. You are one funny bitch, I look forward to more of your quirky remarks. Love your honest and upfront approach. Keep it up!

  6. Excellent call with that last question. “F*** him when he’s sober!” So true!!!!

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