Jersey Girls Ain’t Yelling at You, They’re Just Sayin’

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Every Thursday, the Jersey Girls deal with your real-life dating quagmires. The questions are real, the answers are scary and real. And yes, they are actually from Jersey. Got a problem? Ask them yourself!

Q: Hey Jersey Girls! You’ve mentioned that bars, class, work, and basically anywhere in real life aren’t the best places to find love. Do you think I’d have better luck online through a dating website like EHarmony, Match.com, or JDate (the one for Jews)
Thanks!…and keep on talkin’ all that ish!

A: Hey back at you! We think you may be referring to comments we made last week about people you probably shouldn’t sleep with (i.e.: people from work, other regulars at your most frequented watering hole, people you see every day). Listen, it is possible to meet people pretty much anywhere, but in terms of having flings, think about how often you’d want to “bump into” your casual encounters. Fucking the dude/chick who sits next to you in class twice a week might make it a tad awkward if it doesn’t go the way you planned when you need a #2 pencil the day of the final. We hardly meant to limit the places you could “find love”, just make you think long and hard about whom you let see you in a sluttier light.

With all that crap aside, let’s get to your real question; we’ve gotten mixed reviews when it comes to internet dating. Guess what? It’s not just for freaks and weirdos! We know plenty of normal, attractive, educated, successful men and women who have had great success with dating sites. One of our fathers found and married a woman who totally completes him. Never seen him happier. To be totally honest, we haven’t heard that many horror stories, just instances of dates that went kinda awkward. If you have a high tolerance for liars and stupidity the worst that could happen is you waste a night.

That being said, lets not get fucking sloppy about this. The real worst thing that could happen is you get raped and killed by some kiddy toucher you met off the internet. So please, choose your dates wisely. Ladies, unless you are suicidal, do not let a complete stranger pick you up where you live. In fact, don’t even get in the car with a complete stranger. That’s stupid. Do not agree to meet for the first time at a strangers house where you have no idea what to expect or what kind of a torture chamber of shackles and blow torches may exist in the basement. Be smart. Meet somewhere in public, and always have an out lined up in case you find yourself in an unbearable situation with some freak who definitely sent you someone else’s picture.

Lastly, we caution that there’s still something to be said for the old-fashioned dating process and mystery of getting to know someone. In a lot of ways we feel like internet dating is kind of cheating the system. While knowing certain things up front (political or religious views) might help you weed out people you don’t think you’d be ultimately compatible with, knowing every little detail of how someone’s ideal first date would go obviously gives you an upper hand. It’s fun to learn things about the person your interested in. “OMG! You love Italian food? I love Italian food! You love long walks on the beach? So do I!”. Holy shit, you’re soul mates! He likes everything you like! No he doesn’t fuckface. You mapped out every angle for him to get into your pants on an online profile that anyone willing to shell out a few bucks a month can read. Internet dating is what it is. If you go into it with open eyes and an even more open mind, you could luck out and be the next couple in one of those eHarmony commercials (which we’ve both actually cried while watching. Don’t judge, we were on the rag). If it sucks, at least you may have gotten a free meal and a hilarious story to tell your friends.


Q: I’m a guy over 30 (not by much) who sometimes can’t “finish” after an hour of sex. The women I’m with get off all night, but occasionally I give up or have to do it to myself. Is it her? Or me? This has happened with every woman I’ve slept with after the first time or two. I worry they think I don’t like them anymore. Am I starting to go impotent, or is my cock telling me something?

A: Unfortunately, neither of us has an actual penis of our own. If one of us did, we’d be dating each other and be too madly in love to have time to answer ridiculous questions like this one. Lucky for you, the two of us have plowed through (literally) a handful of 30+ dudes. We will go on what we know: sometimes they feel like a nut, sometimes they don’t. Every dude is different. We’re not in your head, so we can’t tell you what’s distracting you from being able to bust your nut. As women, we give you props for hanging in there regardless and taking care of pleasing your partner. However, to be honest, the logistics of this question may be better left to the shrink that could actually prescribe you the Viagra you probably need. Kidding! Just know that you’re not alone in this. A few of the thirty-something guys we’ve been with have struggled to reach the finish line when we know our performance has been up to par. We might point the finger at your partners if this didn’t happen with each one. We think the best advice we can give you is to dig deep into that head of yours and figure out if there’s something in there that’s affecting your ability to come. If there’s nothing you can come up with, and you really are attracted to and interested in the women your sleeping with then you might be shit out of luck. Your cock may broken, so take this to a real doctor.

Q: So for the past year, some might say that I have “whored out” a bit. I guess the traditional rebound from my three year relationship lasted a few extra months. Nevertheless, I’m ready for a change. I worry that I’ve built up a reputation as an easy lay. I would love to reinvent this image, but I don’t want to give up entirely on my social scene and party lifestyle. Is it too late to teach this old dog enough new values and self respect to once again become a respected member of the dating pool?

A: If you’re just looking to do damage control you might want to take at look at this. Now, if you’re really trying to change your promiscuous ways the first thing to do is stop sleeping around. We’re serious. For us, this would mean slowing down. Take a few extra nights off to think and relax. Read a book, watch some movies, catch up on celebrity gossip and compulsively masturbate. Then, on those select nights on which you do decide to make an appearance – don’t go home with the first drunk guy that buys you a drink. Also, slow down on the drinking yourself– I mean, we’re calling the kettle black here – but if this is a change you really want to make it’ll be a lot easier when you’re not throwing back those vodka & sodas.

A reputation builds among people that talk to each other. If you are dating around, make sure to try and keep it separated. Dating or hooking up with dudes that know each other is the worst thing you can do for your already slightly tarnished rep. Try to start fishing in a pond where you are virtually unknown. You don’t have to stop going to your favorite spots, just stop sleeping with people you meet there. Providence is a small town, and we know it’s hard to maintain any sort of anonymity, but the best advice we can give is to try and fly under the radar. Like we said, slow down, take a break, and invest in a new high powered battery operated friend.

Q: S&M, here’s a question for ya! While hanging with an old ‘booty call’, I was introduced to one of his friends who’s totally my style. He’s one of those guys that I’ve always wanted to date but could never locate…well, I’ve found him! The only thing is, he’s friends with this idiot who I went out and hooked with up a few times. Is the friend totally off limits, can I pursue him and not look a total slut?

A: We’re going to assume that this “booty call” of yours is just that- a booty call. It sounds like the two of you have a mutual “this is fun, but its not really going anywhere” kind of approach to your relationship. It doesn’t sound like there are feelings invested here on either end so we feel inclined to tell you to go for it.

If you feel comfortable enough to be blatantly honest, tell him how you feel about his friend. Just be sure that this won’t ruin any kind of current friendship between the two of you. Sometimes it’s ok to be selfish, just cover your bases. Might your “booty call” have feelings for you? Fuck what he tells you-do you feel like he might harbor secret feelings for you? We suppose the real question is: do you really care if you hurt him or not? If the answer to all of these questions is no, do it. You don’t want to regret not taking this chance because you’re scared of hurting some guy you slept with in your 20’s.

There is also the sleazy, behind-his-back approach that makes you look like a not-so-nice girl–but we ain’t judging. Stalk your new guy on myspace or facebook. [Ed: this is terrible advice] Send him a message and show interest. If he responds positively, go out with him. Pray his friend doesn’t find out, or hate him too much for going out with you if he does. You knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere with this beneficial friend of yours anyway, why not take the chance on the one you really want?

3 thoughts on “Jersey Girls Ain’t Yelling at You, They’re Just Sayin’”

  1. S & M,

    Love, love, love. your column. You guys crack me up. Just one thing….ever think of moving to a radio format?? I think you’d be a big hit! Can’t wait to see what you have to say next week!

  2. S&M,

    1. You’re hilarious. Love the column.

    2. Way to present the pros and cons of online dating! I always thought it was just for losers and weirdos, and sort of looked down on people who met their boyfriend/girlfriend that way, but lately I’ve met a few people who really found the loves of their lives online. I was shocked. I guess not everyone looking for love on the Internet belongs across a countertop from Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC!

    3. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to next Thursday’s column.

  3. Hi S & M,

    I love your column. I laughed my ass off. So here’s my question. Now I know where to go if I have trouble with any of my man parts…during… You guys rock!

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