Jersey Girls Ain’t Yelling at You, They’re Just Sayin’

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A day late but still on point, here’s the Jersey Girls, S&M wading through your relationship disasters like it’s their job. Which it is. Got troubles? Talk nice to them

Q: I’m in a pickle! I have been dating a guy for almost 2 months now. He is awesome, he is caring, he is funny, and he has an awesome job. But now, he wants to click the box and be boyfriend and girlfriend. And I am hesitant about it. He has a kid and he’s an awesome father, but I don’t know if I want the responsibility that comes with that AND most importantly, the sex isn’t all that. I believe he knows how to “work the middle” but when our bodies are together and we’re doing the damn thing… I don’t see fire works, I don’t need to smoke a cigarette, and my leg is not shaking. Do I stay in the relationship and take it to the next level with just ok sex with everything else awesome? Or do I tell him, it’s not you, it me and press on?

A: This sucks. We do not envy your situation. There are a few ways to handle this. How awesome is everything else? If everything really is as awesome as you say, is the sex really that important? We speak for ourselves, and the bulk of our friends when we say, “um, YES!” However, not every woman feels as strongly as we do. If you’re not that sexual a person, then maybe all of his other incredible qualities could out weigh his one big (or little. Sorry, we had to) flaw. We couldn’t do it, but you do you, sister.
We’ll assume that with all of the great things you have to say about this guy that abandoning ship is your last resort, but something’s got to give. It’s not going to be fun for either of you, but this needs to be discussed. The best approach to telling a guy that he’s lousy in bed if you really do care about him is swallowing…your pride.
Fluff his ego like you’ve never fluffed before and even you know your vagina is magical you have to pretend like this is partially your fault anyway. Tell him that you are so attracted to him, and so into him that you think it’s making you nervous. Remind him over and over again just how much you want him; throw in some comments about him having “the perfect dick”, and how you feel like you just know that the sex could be perfect. Don’t say “better”, b/c he will automatically shut down in defeat or get defensive. Make it about both of you so he doesn’t feel inadequate. Get the idea? Tread lightly, but be honest! You want to keep his ego up, you still want to get your rocks off and have some dignity. If he really hears you out, takes you seriously, follows your explicit instruction on how to really rock your world and he still can’t make your toes curl, then press on sister. There’s no need to settle for anything less than the best you’ve ever had.

Q: Ladies, I like this girl a lot but she has a moustache. It really turns me off. What do I do?

A: Wow. To be totally honest with you, this is the hardest question we’ve recieved to date. As a woman it is hard to imagine that a member of our own gender could either not notice or not care about that fact that she had a moustache. It seems truly unfathomable. Although, we’ve all seen women that have one. Where are their girlfriends to tell them that it’s not ok? We’ll never understand. If you haven’t already established any type of romantic or even platonic relationship with this woman there really is no polite way to tell her that her five o’clock shadow is a total boner killer. If it doesn’t make you totally want to puke you could suck it up, like her “for her” or some shit, and wait until she trusts you to enough to be like “hey, you got a little somthin’ on your lip there, baby”.

A lot of women feel faint at the thought of talking body/facial hair removal with a dude. So, if you are feeling ballsy enough to open your mouth, then watch your words very carefully and expect to get slapped in the face. This is a situation even the smoothest of men should handle with extreme care.

On the flip side, she might just not care. This city is crawling with feminists and hipsters that simply don’t give one single fuck about what you and your penis think about a little lip fuzz. If she’s made this far in her life and hasn’t done anything about it yet, chances are she’s not going to.

Q: So, I’ve gone out with this girl a twice, had a few nice phone conversations, but noticed that she is never the one calling me. Is she really interested or just being polite and taking a free dinner where she can?

A: Wait one second there, mister! You guys know about the “I don’t want to have sex with you but I’ll just go for the free dinner” routine? I didn’t know you were onto us. Damn. There’s no way to tell if she’s only in it for the chicken parm, but i can tell you this: No woman is putting in the legwork of lengthy involved phone conversations if she’s not into you. Some girls still think that it’s a man’s job to contact her. Some girls are scared to come off needy or too interested. If she’s usually available to chat or hang when your calling her, than chances are she’s taking the time to do so because she wants to.

Test her. If you really want to know if she’s in it for the wining and dining, invite her to do something totally low key like rent a movie. If she only wants to go out, then i ain’t sayin she a goldigga, but…

If you want to know if she’s into you then the next time you see or talk to her tell her how much you’d love to see her on some certain day. Tell her that you know your schedule’s clear and to call you to set the plans in stone. If she doesn’t call, you have your answer.

Q: I asked someone out for drinks casually over myspace. He is someone I know from going out and we have met a few times in person. He never responded. Was it because it was totally lame of me to use myspace? I thought that pursuing people via the Internet was the new white meat.

A: We knew we’d get some shit for ever recommending that you stalk people on myspace. It is in fact, probably bad advice. However, everyone stalks people they’re interested in on the internet, even you. It’s ok, baby. We don’t have to talk about it. With that out of the way – let’s get creepy…

Did he read the message? Does he sign on frequently? How many friends does he have? Is your name and picture your real name and picture or is your name something weird like “ThIs Is WhY Im HoT” and your picture is of your cat? Consider that something about your profile may have put him off or that maybe he’s not taking MySpace too seriously. How dare he?! People who aren’t myspace junkies (Believe it or not, some still exist) might find it lame or see it as a sign of weakness to ask someone out (even casually) on Myspace. He didn’t answer cause he thinks you’re weird or weak or, just weird. Maybe he’s not single. Either way, you’re not on the same page, he is probably uptight and thinks he’s too cool. Props for being bold and putting yourself out there. Cut your losses, at least you didn’t waste your time in real life.

As far as the Internet being the new “white meat,” of the dating world you are, well, right. It’s totally fucking trendy these days to date online. I’m sorry he didn’t answer. You’re probably too hot, smart, funny and good for him. He’s most likely a douche bag who would talk about how huge his dick is over drinks. You can do better.

Send your probs here.

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