So I’m looking for a job, and nothing is more depressing and mind-numbing than trolling the Craigslists looking for things like; “Get paid to sit around all day and be an asshole”, which is what I’ve become very good at over the last few weeks. I get distracted easily and start looking for Missed Connections about myself. Anyways, here’s the worst of the worst. Well, really the worst are all in the Adult Gigs section, but that would be too easy, right?
-Pretty sure this one was typed by a robot.
–Something about Ebay and getting paid $75,000 for doing something. They lost me here.
-You’d show up for this and there’d be a giant Bacardi logo and you’d think; ‘This is what I am. I am a Bacardi Girl’.
–This one’s confusing because the headline says $2 a day (wha?) but then under compensation it says ‘Ask’, so I’m going to ask for one million dollars.
–Can I count to three? Am I pissing rum this morning?
-Sure dude, this is so totally not a sex ad. Obviously.
-I was really hoping they were trying to fill the James Spader role.
-Why do I not know what a “Rain maker” is? Does it involve peeing on someone?
-I want to hire this guy to hang out and do a ‘morning zoo’ show from my living room.
-Not really a job posting, but apparently this is what goes on in a Best Buy.
-I’m going to land this gig, show up with a flute and get all Ian Anderson on their asses.
-I’m doing this, and everyone’s fortune will be You Are Gay.
-I’m going to land this gig, and also do the Ian Anderson thing.
Ok, that’s it. I have to start doing this for real now. Gotta work on the resume. Should “Eye Candy” go under ‘achievements’, or ‘life goals’?