Each week, our resident ladies get down and dirty with your relationship quagmires. This week, I don’t know what they were smoking, but if you’re at work or there are children running around your computer you may want to hold off. NSFW, probably NSFAnyone. As always, the questions are 100% real, (shudder…) and if you got a problem you can take it directly to the girls.
Q: Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night I see my girlfriend asleep next to me and I just want to pack my shit and run like hell…or kill her and hide the body. Is this normal?
A: Sure, this is normal. Normal for someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship any more. How often is sometimes? If sometimes is everyday, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. This is obviously not the person you are meant to be with. Regardless of what you guys have been gone through together, how hard either of you have it right now– or how much you don’t want to hurt him/her – it will hurt you both more in the end.
On the other hand, if sometimes is only once in awhile then stop being such a pansy about commitment and go back to sleep. It’s normal to bug out over being with just one person, that’s like, part of it.
Q: Ladies, I have a problem. My girlfriend only wants to have sex when she’s wasted. I try to be romantic and seductive, however when I try and make a move she downright rejects me every time. Then, when it’s convenient for her or when she’s drunk she wants it. It’s confusing and she says she’s hopelessly in love with me. What’s wrong?
A: What’s wrong? Probably nothing with you. Your girl’s got issues and we’re fairly confident that these issues stem from things that happened long before you came into the picture. Her Daddy probably didn’t hug her enough as a child, or maybe she was a complete out cast in high school. Whatever the case, these aren’t things that can just be “fixed.” Anyone that has to be drunk or high to do something shows severe insecurity. Liquid courage is one thing, but when you have to be in an altered state to be intimate with someone you supposedly love it’s something else entirely. We don’t doubt her feelings for you, especially if this is how she’s always been. Just know it’s not you it’s her and this is probably something she should talk to someone about.
If this is not how she’s always been, and is behavior that’s come of recent then she may have written question one this week. Sorry to be bearers of bad news but she’s over this relationship and forcing herself to have sex with you. Be ready to wake up to a Dear John letter and empty spot under the nook of your arm.
Q: Why is it that some girls with wretched smelling vaginas refuse to acknowledge the fact that they have wretched smelling vaginas? I mean, they have to know unless they are totally smell-deaf to it.
A: Excuse me, frat boy with the gelled blowout who still thinks that girls shit pink speckled eggs, but vaginas are supposed to smell like, um vaginas. As a culture we women have been conditioned to mask our natural odor. Believe it or not, mister man,
Douching and putting chemicals up your vagina is bad for you. The natural smell of a woman is supposed to turn men ON not off.
Now, if she smells truly wretched she’s probably filthy. Not necessarily filthy like been around the block, but filthy as in, like not showering. Ever heard of smegma? Kinda like that. Suggest showering together and take care of things yourself.
**A Public Service from S&M: Our vagina’s smell like roses and green tea. They are beautifully groomed, disease free, and just darling. Now, for ladies who think they may have a problem, we have a suggestion. Go to CVS or some place like it and buy Playtex wipes. They are AMAZING. They have aloe or some crap in them that soothe after shaving and leave your vagina smelling like new car scent in a matter of seconds. Great on the go, for an impromptu romp, or after sex when you’re too lazy to shower. Buy them, Use them, love them. Thank you.**
Q: Is there such a thing as a guy’s dick being too big? What’s too small?
A: That old wise tale about size not mattering– its all about how you work it, is a complete piece of crap. If I can’t feel that you’re even inside me, or worse it resembles a Gansett tall boy, we have a definite problem on our hands. A “close personal friend” of ours recently had to trash a brand new duvet cover because her large cocked gentleman caller left it looking like a crime scene from an episode of SVU. A dick that big can be painful and expensive if you have to keep buying magnums, painkillers and new sheets. Guys, if you know your dick is huge, go easy on your lady! A good/smart woman will tell you when she needs more or less. If you find a girl that can take you like a champ she’s a keeper.
If you think your penis might be too small, or if you ever had to ask if your penis is too small then your penis is too small. We highly suggest you start mastering the art of cunnilingus, immediately. Having a baby dick isn’t the end of the world as long as you make it your beeswax to satisfy your partner using whatever means necessary. S&M suggest reading The Vice Guide to Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. The chapter on eating pussy is a good place to start. If you’re insecure about your little wang making sure you’re getting your girl off is the first step to making her forget about your shortcomings. Pun intended.