A Kinder, Gentler Jersey Girls?


Maybe it’s the flu meds, or maybe the girls have been watching Gilmore Girls lately, but this week finds the Jersey Girls dropping knowledge on a more sensitive tip. Then they start talking about vibrators. As always, if you have problems drop them a line.

Q: Dear S&M,
I’ve been sleeping with this guy for the last few months. I met
Him at a bar and took him home with the intentions of it being
a one-night stand. Months later we are still “fuck buddies”, but I
want it to be more. I don’t think he does. Should I end it and move
on, or bite the bullet and just be satisfied with what I got?

A: KEEP ON TRUCKIN, SISTER! A friend with benefits is only beneficial if it’s working for both of you. You need to be on the same page. If you continue to do this casual thing when you know deep down that you’ve become emotionally attached and he hasn’t, you’re only going to be hurting yourself. You should never have to settle for anything less than what you really want.

If the sex is really killer this might get tough to break off, but for reals, the longer you keep this going the more involved your heart and head will get. Under normal break-up circumstances we’d give you the advice a wise old friend gave us which is that you’ll never fully get over someone until you get under someone else. Given what you’ve said, I think you’re looking for something a little deeper than another one night stand gone awry.

We advise taking a chance and speaking up. You’ll never know how he really feels unless you ask him. His answer may surprise you. If you don’t get the answer you’re looking for, it’s time to move on.

Q: Dear S&M,
I have a crush on someone who is shy; will I scare him off by giving
him my phone number?

A: The key to shy guys/gals is to make friends first. Make them comfortable; give them a little time to open to you – all while delicately flirting. Make good eye contact when you talk to them, give off positive body language and drop hints about hanging out more often. Touch them. Don’t grope or be creepy or anything, but start with an arm grab after a good joke or touch his shoulder or back when you walk past him. Don’t lay it on too thick but make sure that you’re making to option of taking it to the next level crystal clear. When you feel the time is right, offer up your number. Make up some excuse to hang out one-on-one. A common interest, like a band playing, or a favorite food to try together will make this step easier for both of you. Hopefully this dude isn’t a complete idiot and by this point will loosen up a bit and realize what is going on…that uh, he’s being pursued – and will respond accordingly when you muster up the courage to jump his bones.

Chances are your going to have to make the first move here. Some might say this is bad advice, in fact, I’m fairly certain that we’ll catch some shit for this, but a couple of beers in a situation like this aren’t going to hurt anyone. Don’t get drunk per say, but a little something something will loosen the two of you up. Do not get sloppy. Do not get them too sloppy (getting your date drunk enough to screw is date rape, kids. Lets not forget that!). Puke is a boner killer, as is throwing yourself at someone while reeking of Jameson. Take it easy, feel him out (not up), make your move and have a great time.

Q: Dear S&M,
What’s up with girls who don’t play with themselves? Should I take that
as a sign?

Now, Sir, your question could actually mean one of two things. Lets
indulge, shall we?

Option #1 –this could just be a general question – rumors you’ve heard in men’s locker rooms and public bathrooms – the supposed myth that woman don’t masturbate. Some don’t, yes (like nuns or something…). But we have a feeling you fall under Option #2.

Option #2 – You are currently seeing someone who has expressed this to you. Or, she declined to do such acts in the bedroom with you.

The way to understand your own body and know what makes you feel good is to masturbate. Knowing that your partner isn’t interested enough to find out can be discouraging – especially since sex is one of the
major components of expressing your feeling for each other when in a relationship. She might be insecure, inexperienced or unfamiliar with her own anatomy. These are things that have nothing do with you. These aren’t signs to back off, – if anything you should want to help her overcome this. Talk to her about it (surely if you’re in a relationship you can talk about masturbating!) Tell her how much it would excite you to see her touch herself. Tell her you want to satisfy her, and that you want to know exactly how to do it. If this goes as planned – ask her to show you. It will be awesome.

Buy her a vibrator. As a woman, she needs one to live. To any female readers that don’t own one/have never tried one, slowly step away from your computer and go directly to Miko or Amazing Superstores. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Just do it. Your vagina and every partner you have from here on out will thank you. As for the question asker here, have her try it out on her own, then maybe try it together. If you’re a secure guy you shouldn’t feel threatened by the presence of some crazy pearl filled spinning gadget, just enjoy seeing your lady experience something otherworldly.

Seriously, this isn’t 1935. She needs to loosen up. We may go off on a rant here, but we swear by our battery operated boyfriends. They keep us sane and clean. Why hook up with some douche bag from the bar when we can go home and handle business ten times better on our own and wake up with self respect and clean(ish) sheets? Vibrators don’t talk back, snore, or hook up with your friends. I don’t even really hide mine. If a guy sees mine chillin’ by my bed let it be a reminder to him how easily he can be replaced if he chooses to act a fool. So, question asker—loosen your lady up. And ladies, masterbate for world peace.

Hit up the Jersey Girls here with your own ish.

2 thoughts on “A Kinder, Gentler Jersey Girls?”

  1. masturbata 4 lyfe

    …to add to question #3s already brilliant answer, if your girl thinks vibrators are too porny for her and is embarrassed to have one around, take her to bed bath and beyond and grab a hand-held shower head, preferably one with multiple settings. these things can work magic and may be a good way to ease her into the world of non-hand/tongue/penis stimulation. now, if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to take a shower…

  2. you just gave me my new myspace heading, idea for a tattoo, and general words to live by……masturbate for world peace. 143.

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