We recieved this very urgent email in our tipbox this morning. I cannot underestimate the seriousness of Ms. Kojo’s plight. We, as a compassionate city must band together to lend help where we can, so what we need to do is open a bank account…well, I’ll just let you read the whole letter:
“From Maimuna Kojo
Treichville Abidjan Ivory coast,
How are you and your health that is very important to me? [Ed: that’s very nice of her!] I am Maimuna Kojo, The only child of late Mr and Mrs Kojo, My Late father was a very wealthy Cocoa Merchant based in Abidjan, the Economic Capital of Ivory Coast before he was poisoned to death by his Business Associates [Ed: !!!] in connection with my uncle who was with him that day on the business outing to discuss on a business deal with some of his foreign business partner…
With bitter tears am typing this today,my heart is heavy of sadness and my soul is dying at my tender age of 19. My father was a very rich Cocoa Merchant here in Cote ‘d’ivoire and he was a very popular man before he died,so when he was about
to die he told me that he had some amount of huge money (US 10.3m) ten million three hundred thousand United States dollars in his fixed / suspense account here in cote d’ivoire and he also told me that he wanted me to go abroad and study because l am a very brilliant girl .
He also told me that l should seek for a foreign partner that l should send the money to because for the fear of his family member and after the money is confirmed received by my partner in oversea l should then go there to continue my education while my partner should invest the money in a very profitable business of his or her choice since l know nothing or less about investment and the profit must be shared between me and my partner so i am honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways .
1) To provide a NEW BANK ACCOUNT (please not your own account) where this money would be transferred.
2) To serve as the guardian of this fund.
3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a residential permit for me in your country.
Moreover, dear, i am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your nominated account oversea. Please am appealing to you to please assist me so that l can smile again, [Ed: Please people, she needs to smile again!!] l am writing this mail to you with full of bitter tears flowing down my eyes [Ed: Don’t laugh, this isn’t medically treatable in third world countries] because l can say you are the only one that is left for me in this whole world.
Just yesterday my late fathers relative came and threatened me that they will kill me if l don’t give them the document of my late fathers money [Ed: Holy fucking shit! This just got real!] so l went to bank where the money was saved to inform the bank director and the bank director told me that l should transfer the money abroad with immediate effect as instructed by my late father so that this people will not be able to kill me as they killed my Dad, the bank director said he will do his best to make sure that the money is transferred abroad, l need someone who will be truthful , loyal financial capable enough so that l can send the money my late father left for me to, once you agree to assist me by this time next week I will be waiting to hear a good news from you that you have received the money into A NEW ACCOUNT (please open a new account to avoid mistrust). Please l will be waiting to hear from you if you’re really serious and interested
and capable to help me get this money transfer, so that l can send the contact of the bank where my late father saved the money before he died to you so that you can request for quick transfer requirement and information which you will use to receive the money my late father left for me [Ed: Jeez, this is getting complicated…] and please when you receive the money. please l will like you to keep it secret for the safety of the money and my life. More importantly,
l will send the bank address to you and how you will contact them if you really serious and capable to help me in transferring this money abroad.
I have the believe that one day I will become a person in life [Ed: Umm…] if you could help me out, I pray that God will also help you.
Waiting for your urgent reply.”
Okay, so obviously we need to send some help here. I’ll open the account in my name, because what could possibly go wrong and she seems like such a sweetheart, so if you guys could just give me your bank account info so that I can give you all your cut of the money after it’s recieved in the Ivory Coast or after she sends it to me, or after I send… I kinda lost track of all that but I’m sure everything will be fine. Trust me.