Jersey Girls Know What Phallic Means

14_19_53---The-Leaning-Tower-of-Pisa--Tuscany--Italy_web Well, better late than never! Our beloved Jersey Girls took a much-needed two week hiatus, and now they’re back, refreshed, rejuvenated, hydrated, and ready to tackle your frankly disturbing sex and relationship issues. The questions are real and anonymous, of course, and the answers are frighteningly real and becoming less anonymous by the week. Way to keep a low profile ladies! As always, find a link at the end to send in your own ish, always anon of course, you can trust us on that.

Q: Hey, ladies.
I am living/studying in Italy at the moment and my game is seriously hurting with the foreign men, due to lack of linguistic skills. I recently had an intense drunken make-out session with a guy from the town where I’m living. He keeps pursuing me, but I can’t really communicate so I keep blowing him off. However, I am secretly anticipating the next random meeting. What can I do to help break this language barrier?

A: Well, friend, you are in luck! This is something that at least one of us is very well versed in. I have hooked up with so many foreign men that my girlfriends have starting calling my international encounters “stamping my passport”. I came up with a theory back in college when I accidentally fell for a super-hot French asshole exchange student. I always say, “Everyone moans in the same language”. I couldn’t understand more than half of what he was saying-but shit, was he beautiful! We’re assuming your not planning on moving to Italy for good any time soon, so why ruin this with words? Most women would kill for a hot guy that can’t fuck it up by saying something stupid. Go with this! The truth of the matter is that you’re leaving eventually, there’s really no need to get attached.

It would also be absolutely adorable if you made a little effort and learned some key phrases in his language. S & M, here care about you so much that we took care of some of the legwork for you:

-“Can I buy you a drink?”— Posso comprarla una bevanda?
-“Do you have a girlfriend?”— Lei ha un’amica?
-“Your place or mine?— Il suo luogo o il mio?
-“No, you can’t fuck me in my ass!”— Non avrò il sesso anale con lei!
(We just read in the most recent issue of “MissBehave” magazine in an article about what to expect when hooking up with foreign men that Italian men have an expectation about having anal sex with a woman due to religious views about purity or virginity. Just a warning, unless you’re into that sort of thing in which case you can say, “amerei avere il sesso anale con lei”, which means, “I would love for you to fuck me in my ass!”)
-“I like my eggs over easy”— Porto le mie uova sopra facile.
-“yes, lets do this again sometime”— Sì, lascia fa questo ancora del tempo.

You might also want to learn how to say something like, “try texting me in English so we can meet up”, he wont know you like him if you keep blowing him off so a little effort will need to be made if you want to see this guy. We think this potentially sounds pretty hot. Hit up some website (like the one we did) and teach yourself some Italian. Hopefully he knows enough English to get by and you can have yourself you own little foreign love affair. Uggh, we’re so jealous!

P.S. We shouldn’t even have to tell you to be effing careful! Italian men are notorious lovers so please believe he’s romanced an American or two or thirty-seven in his day. No glove, no love. What’s the translation for “where are the condoms?”

Q: The girl I’m dating is really into watching porn to get her in the mood. She especially likes watching it with me, but seeing the size of these porn stars makes me intimidated about my own size. I wouldn’t say I’m small, above average even, but seeing how huge these porn stars are doesn’t exactly help my ego. Do I not turn her on? Is my average size package alone not enough for her?

A: Ugh. So many men underestimate the sexuality of women. Women like porn just as much as men do. Most of us own vibrators (yes, that’s plural) and lube and stuff. We masturbate. We fantasize. We own handcuffs.

Porn stars shouldn’t intimidate you. She is clearly satisfied with your average size cobra. Remember that porn is about fantasy. How many real women do you know that rock handle bar sized pigtails and sexy schoolgirls costumes every time they get laid? In reality, we hear most women can’t even handle the horse cock anyways. Your girlfriend is obviously comfortable enough to share this part of her sexuality with you. You should be thrilled, not threatened by this really awesome thing. For god sakes man, do you know how many dudes would love to watch porn with their girlfriends?

AND then, then you get to have sex? With your awesome girlfriend? Wow, Dude, that’s rough.

Q: My girlfriend wants to stick shit up my ass. She keeps telling me it’s going to feel really good, but honestly, the whole idea seems kind of gay to me. I might be ok with a finger or something; but a strap on or dildo is pushing the envelope. How do I let her do it without me compromising my manhood?

A: My, my…how the tables have turned! Feeling a little violated because someone is pressuring you to let them stuff things up your asshole? Welcome to our world! If you’ve ever begged or even asked this woman to let you stick a finger/toy/tongue/your DICK in her ass then make yours a double and man up! You owe her this. What’s the saying? Do on to others, as you would have others do on to you? (Brown) Eye for an eye? Something like that… you have to play fair, and fair in this case it is letting her do to you whatever you’ve done to her.

If you have never made an attempt to test her “exit only” door, tried and got straight up denied, or did it only after she asked you to, you have some grounds to fight her on with this one. Although, on the other hand, think of the possibilities it could open to you. You can ask for just about anything sexual when you get to throw around a line like, “Babe, I let you strap one on and do me!” Truth be told, a finger isn’t going to kill you and nearly every guy I know that’s let it happen, has been more than thrilled with how it feels.

With telling you not to be a pussy, and recommending sexual bartering aside; it is our duty to remind you that it’s not ok to let anyone bully you into trying something your simply not comfortable with. If you really can’t bring yourself to give it a whirl, then don’t. As two pretty open-minded ladies we feel the need to add that there’s nothing sexier than a guy who’s comfortable enough with his sexuality to try just about anything. There’s nothing “gay” about having some of the most intense orgasms of your life. A man that lets you lick or stick his bum is pretty fucking secure. Between the two of us we have pleasured exactly one male asshole and that asshole happened to be attached to one of the biggest “man’s man” of all time. Not one gay bone in the man’s body. I’ll tell you this: it made me love/respect him ten fold. It was like him saying “I trust you enough to see me at my most vulnerable and not judge me for trying something kind of taboo”. FYI, he LOVED it. Don’t be scurred. Open your mind/heart/ass cheeks to something new. You might be pleasantly surprised.

In conclusion, men’s assholes are gross. If you do decide to go there, help your lady out with a baby/Playtex wipe (aka: God’s gift to genitals everywhere). The cleaner you are the more secure you’ll be with her poking around down there anyway. Contrary to some really ill shit we’ve all seen on the internet (tubgirl, anyone?), there’s nothing sexy about poop, things that smell like poop, or just anything poop related. Just keep it clean, or as clean as assholes go, relax and enjoy.

The Girls are planning a special holiday column for next week, if you have any specifically Christmas, Kwanzaa, or whatever-Jews-do related problems, send them in to the Dose. Also, they’re preparing a New Years Confessions special, where you can anonymously confess to all the nasty, fucked up things you did this year that you will of course never do again. Just like you did last year!

2 thoughts on “Jersey Girls Know What Phallic Means”

  1. For all of you guys who feel intimidated by the porn penis, remember, the camara angles make them look larger than they are, just as they say it adds ten pounds. Also, your penis looks bigger to another than it does to you, in most cases anyway.


  2. gimme a break

    Maybe the guy shouldnt have addressed his question to 2 women, but as a man in a relationship with a chick that has the same desire- I couldnt care less if she would respect my confidence and blah, blah, blah. This is about how he feels about himself after letting his girl strap it on him. Women may have various orgasm levels, but we dont. We have great, and average. I’ll take average every time if great makes me feel like a chump..And by the way, introduce your “mans man” to a man..GL

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