Jersey Girls Always Mind They Own Bidness

Although the Jersey Girls spent most of yesterday afternoon driving their SUVs around Providence, single-handedly rescuing panicky children from trapped schoolbuses, they also managed to finish their new column. And they even spellchecked it this time! Sort of! This time they get a little help from another dynamic duo, the legendary Salt-N-Pepa…
As usual, send your anonymous ish here.

Q: Jersey Girls,
I have the biggest crush on this guy. We have insane chemistry and flirt like crazy. I know that he has a girlfriend and even know who she is though we don’t talk. I really, really want to hook up with him and it seems like he’s pretty interested when he’s texting me at odd hours of the night. I’ve kept is pretty innocent until now but feel like something going to give. Am I a terrible person if I go for it?

A: This is a tricky one! It seems pretty easy to say “Not MY girlfriend, not MY problem,” but the truth of the matter is it WILL be your problem if you or this crush of yours breathes a word of your dirty doing to anyone. The walls have ears in this town, TRUST US. The last thing you want is some broad in your face, especially when you are so clearly in the wrong. We know, we know, she should be madder at her cheating dirt bag of a boyfriend than you, the girl who sees her out and about from time to time—but we all know that’s not how this works. He will undoubtedly lie to cover his ass to make you look like the next Amy Fisher and this chick will want your head on a stick. Or, even worse he’ll come clean, tell her out of guilt and play the “at least I’m being honest now” card—painting a lovely picture starring you as the home-wrecking whore. That’s a really popular title to have in a town where word spreads faster then Britney Spears after a line and a scotch.

Besides, what’s the point? Karma can be a bigger bitch than some dude’s stupid girlfriend. We only call her stupid b/c she’s still dating a guy that’s hollerin’ at you in the middle of the night. Believe you us, if it weren’t you, it would be someone else. As a woman, we should do what we can to have each other’s backs. Nailing this guy wouldn’t make you a terrible person, per se, but it doesn’t put you in the best light. Just think, maybe if you keep your panties on just this once, some lady will do it for you when your boyfriend gets drunk and puts the moves on her somewhere down the line. Unless you’re a rotten apple, hooking up with this guy then seeing his clueless girlfriend around is only going to make you feel shitty. Sure, it’s fun to break the rules, but think about it. A situation like this is very unpredictable and there’s no way to tell how badly it will blow up in (or on) your face. We suggest keeping the flirting innocent. Let the tension build so that when he finally gets caught cheating with someone else and this girl breaks his dick off, you can be first in line to help glue it back on. Until then–back off, bad girl.

Q: My partner and I have really good sex, but sometimes I want it rougher. I’m scared to ask to him to choke me/hold me down/slap me – because
I don’t want to freak him out. Any suggestions?

A: Look, honey! They don’t call us S&M for nothin’. We know a thing or two about rough sex. First thing’s first, lady–Speak up! Being experimental in the bedroom is nothing new, and maybe opening his eyes to something a little different could bring out something in him you never know existed. Everyone has fantasies, and acting them out with your partner is the most exciting part (its like a fairytale come true!)

If this guy is a total tight wad, maybe you should take baby steps with your kink. Start by asking him to fuck you harder when you’re doing it, whisper
“I want it ROUGH” in his ear when he’s on top of you. If he responds accordingly and seems into it, keep it going. Give his hair a little tug, he should get the hint that you might like the same in return and take it from there.

It seems unlikely that he’d “freak out” over the suggestion of getting a little rougher. Aside from a friend who asked “Pull my hair!” during sex and said she could have heard crickets due to her partner’s lack of response we haven’t heard any other arguments or complaints. If anything, we’ve been told to pipe down for fear that our partners will finish too quickly in the excitement of fucking our brains out.

Take your time and work up to whatever level of roughness your aiming for. These efforts could stretch over a couple of weeks– but before you know it he’ll be tying you to the bed and leaving you for days at a time…

Q: I’m a 24 year -old girl with a promiscuous past, and after about 50 or 60 partners, I stopped counting…I just started seeing a guy who voluntarily told me he’s been with about ten girls, he caught me off guard when he looked my way for a response, so I panicked and lied since I’m completely reformed from my old ways – should I come clean? Am I obligated to tell him (and future partners) about my past?

A: In a world where men are praised for sleeping with someone new every night – and woman are seen as complete slut bags for doing the same– we say, tell your “friend” to mind his business.

You’re a big girl, and you can do whatever you want behind closed doors, in the backseat of cars or that darkly lit alley behind the bar – whether presently or in your distant past. If this guy did in fact find out your real number – do you think he would freak out? Think you’re a slut? Think he’d stop calling? If so, he’s not the guy for you.

We’d like to think with your admittedly sordid past that you’ve been tested for everything under the sun – and with that, we hope you’re clean as a whistle. As long as you can’t give this dude the clap, the herp, the hiv or any other kind of STI – keep mum.

Trust that S&M would love to take the credit for the wise words that S&P wrote back in the day – let’s consult a classic instead, shall we?

” What’s the matter with your life?
Why you gotta mess with mine?
Don’t keep sweatin’ what I do
Cuz I’m gonna be just fine – check it out

[CHORUS]

If I wanna take a guy home with me tonight
It’s none of your business
And she wanna be a freak and sell it on the weekend
It’s none of your business
Now you shouldn’t even get into who I’m givin’ skins to
It’s none of your business
So don’t try to change my mind, I’ll tell you one more time
It’s none of your business

Now who do you think you are
Puttin’ your cheap two cents in?
Don’t you got nothin’ to do
Than worry ’bout my friends? Check it…

I can’t do nothin’, girl, without somebody buggin’
I used to think that it was me, but now I see it wasn’t
They told me to change, they called me names, and so I popped one
Opinion’s are like assholes and everybody’s got one
I never put my nose where I’m not supposed to
Believe me, if he’s something that I want, I’m steppin’ closer
I’m not one for playing high-pole
Like the house of ditty 90210 type of the ho
I treat a man like he treats me
The difference between a hooker and a ho ain’t nothin’ but a fee
So hold your tongue tightly, wish you could be like me
You’re poppin’ all that mess only to stress and to spite me
Now you can get with that or you can get with this
But I don’t give a shit cuz really it’s none of your business

(1993, S and P, packin’ and mackin’
Bamboozlin’ and smackin’ suckers with this trackin’
Throw the beat back in!)

[CHORUS]

How many rules am I to break before you understand
That your double-standards don’t mean shit to me?
I know exactly what you say when I turn and walk away
But that’s ok cuz I don’t let it get it to me
Now every move I make somebody’s clockin’
Don’t ask me nothin’, will you just leave me alone?
Never mind who’s the guy that I took home…to bone

Ok, Miss Thing never givin’ up skins
If you don’t like him or his friends what about that Benz?
Your Pep-Pep’s got an ill rep
With all that macaroni trap for rap you better step
Or better yet get your head checked
Cuz I refuse to be played like an innocent trick deck of cards
No, I ain’t hard like the bitches on a boulivard
My face ain’t scarred, and I don’t dance in bars
You can call me a tramp if you want to
But I remember the punk who just humped and dumped you
Or you can front if you have to
But everybody gets horny just like you
So, yo, so, yo, ho – check it, double deck it on a record butt-naked
Pep’s ass gets respect, and this butt is none of your business

[CHORUS]

So the moral of this story is: Who are you to judge?
There’s only one true judge, and that’s God
So chill, and let my Father do His job

Cuz Salt and Pepa’s got it swingin’ again
Cuz Salt and Pepa’s got it swingin’ again
Cuz Salt and Pepa’s got it swingin’ again
Cuz Salt and Pepa’s got it swingin’ again…

5 thoughts on “Jersey Girls Always Mind They Own Bidness”

  1. I suggest the girl completely stop flirting with the guy all together. She apparently has a weekness for him, and as we all know, even when sound advice is given, most continue until they figure it out for themselves, unfortunately.

    MWT

  2. Hi Melanie. We did not suggest “Not my girlfriend, not my problem” – in fact, if you continue reading…you’ll see this: “but the truth of the matter is it WILL be your problem if you or this crush of yours breathes a word of your dirty doing to anyone.” Additionally, we aren’t haters – “We only call her stupid b/c she’s still dating a guy that’s hollerin’ at you in the middle of the night.” Keep reading sweetie, but read carefully – or you might miss the whole point completely…

  3. not my girlfriend, not my problem? what a terrible saying. selfish much??? my gender, my problem. i thought you girls were a little better than that. also why call this guys girlfriend stupid? or any girl stupid? no one knows what ever really goes on. haven’t you seen tina fey’s rant in mean girls. c’mon its not about the girl here, or most of the time. its not any girls fault she got what you wanted first. don’t hate. AND why would you want to date a cheater ??? once a cheater… maybe always a cheater. that speaks VERY low of someone to get someone to cheat and then jump on that. go find a single boy, don’t be a homewrecker. like you said he’ll wreck it himself but why be involved and why go after a hurtful manipulative person like that??? in the end you probably have more in common with his girlfriend.

  4. “Let the tension build so that when he finally gets caught cheating with someone else and this girl breaks his dick off, you can be first in line to help glue it back on” – HA! you girls are hilarious. and i agreed with every bit of advice you gave this week! don’t date the dude w/ a gf, speak up about what you want in bed, and a promiscuous past doesn’t need to be part of your more prim & proper present (as long as you’re STI-free of course) – all spot on! this column is the highlight of my week. here’s to the jersey girls!

  5. You ladies just keep getting better and better. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the advice to the would-be cheatin’ woman. It’s so true. As someone whose been both the cheater and the cheated, allow me to add that how it starts is how it ends.

    Bravo!

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