A Very Special Jersey Girls Holiday

Bathing Beauty with Christmas Tree

It’s the holidays, people are super busy, we’ve got presents to wrap, so let’s not waste any time and just get right into it this week, shall we?

Q: Ladies,
I’m going to a New Year’s party where I’m going to have to see my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend for the very first time. We spent last New Years Eve together and the thought of having to see them kiss when the ball drops makes me want to kill someone. Any tips on how to keep my cool in this alcohol fueled sticky situation?

A: Fucking keep your cool, and more importantly, what are you wearing?!

First things first, you need to look hotter than you’ve ever looked before, we’ll worry about the happy couple later. Lucky for you it’s New Years so there’s no better excuse to wear something totally sexy and over the top. If you dated this guy for any considerable amount of time you know what he likes about you. He likes your hair curly– hide your straightener, he thinks your back is sexy then find yourself a halter top, whatever he loved about you—refresh his memory. Let’s make clear that the intention here is not to get him back, just merely remind him of what he’s missing and show this new girl in town who the sheriff is.

If you’re currently single (which we’re assuming since your obviously still bent over this ex of yours), you’re going to have to find a date—stat! Unless you’re going with a gaggle of hot single friends to distract you and shake your ass with, we suggest calling upon your hottest guy friend or Oscar-worthy, straight-faking, gay boyfriend. If he’s a good friend or a good “gay” he’ll sympathize with your situation and play the part of your date accordingly.

If your kind of party is our kind of party, then it will be packed with enough people for you to air kiss and make small talk with to keep you busy. If that is the case, work that room! The last thing you want Mr. Ex to see is you moping around being anti social. Tote your boy wonder around the room like an Emmy and introduce him to everyone (hopefully on top of his good looks, he’ll have some charm too).

We know the drinks at this party will be flowing – and yours should stay full, but please pace yourself. We speak from experience when we say that jealousy + alcohol + stilettos = train wreck. Who knows how this night will really unfold? We can’t predict the future but we can tell you this: DO NOT get drunk enough to a) puke on the super-hot dress you’re wearing, b) blow a stranger/your supposedly platonic date in the bathroom out of spite, c) make your girlfriends hold you back while they kiss at midnight and you blurt out something along the lines of “Yo, Bitch, How’s my pussy taste? You can take out my trash if you want to!”

Look, this has the potential to totally suck, but why let it? It’s the biggest party night of the year! There’s surely a slew of reasons why you two are not together anymore, don’t let this guy or your past with him ruin your night. Work that dress you spent your cable bill on, dance hard, kiss that cute boy when the ball drops and start this new year fresh. There’s no better time than now.

Q: Jersey Girls,
What are the rules for hooking up at Office Christmas parties? There’s this totally hot guy at the office that I want to hook up with, The Christmas party’s not like any of our other work functions (a lot more booze). Is there a “What happens at the Christmas party stays at the Christmas party” rule?

A: NO. NO. NO. NO.NO. How many times do you have to be told not to shit where you eat?! (Or work.) Holidays and booze may be widely used excuses to break rules, but that doesn’t make them valid excuses. We like to fancy ourselves rule breakers– rebels, if you will. However, your job is your job– your livelihood, your rent and food. Unless this is like a part-time holiday stint at the GAP or a ”Shennanigans-esque” restaurant gig where there are street signs, old bikes and shit on the walls, we highly recommend a no-screw policy at work. We get the impression that this “totally hot” guy isn’t someone you’re considering a long-term thing with. Why the hell would you want to subject yourself to the daily discomfort of working side-by-side with a former drunken, egg-nog fueled one-night-stand?

A guest speaker in a college course one of us took told a room full of female students that as a woman who had worked in higher up positions in multiple big corporations she knew for a fact that stuff like that made it into your files. Maybe she was lying to scare us, but it worked. She told us that all the big companies she’d worked for had walls with ears and eyes and that even little rumors and gossip made onto paper somewhere. You really want your bosses knowing you got shitfaced on the company dime and hooked up with the guy from accounting? Nah, we didn’t think so. It’s really is inappropriate and unprofessional to bang your co-workers. Sorry.

Q: Dear S&M
What’s the best way to get eggnog out of pubic hair?

A: We’re sorry, what? We are Jews and Jews don’t drink eggnog. We also might be high. Eggnog is the same consistency as cum, right? How do you get cum out, Oxyclean? No, brah take a shower. This question is dumb.

Q: It’s the holidays and being young, broke and in college – I don’t have much to offer my girlfriend as far as expensive gifts are concerned. Maybe broke is an understatement; I literally have $10 to buy her a gift. I love her and want to show her I care – even if my wallet won’t allow it. You’re chicks, help me! What’s something cute/creative/cheap that won’t make her think I’m a deadbeat boyfriend?

A: This is TOTALLY doable. Let’s make one thing clear: if you call yourself a musician/disc jockey/sculptor/large scale vagina painter –DO NOT– write her a song/make her a mixed tape/sculpt her anything/or paint her an over-sized version of her own vagina. Unless she’s totally ga-ga over whatever hobby of yours you’re thinking of exploiting into some sort of “gift,” giving the expected just makes you look broke, lazy and predictable. If you still want all access to her box you’re going to have to think outside the box. Your girls S&M want you to get laid sometime in 2008 so we did the thinking for you…and you might need a glue stick and magic markers.

So, this gift you’re about to make for your girlfriend actually started with your Mom, back in grade school. Remember Mother’s Day? Remember forgetting or not knowing or something? Remember when you where forced to make something in school? No, it’s not a gold spray-painted macaroni picture; you’re making a homemade coupon book. Back then it was likely full of “free dish washing coupons” where as now it should include such luxuries as “free head” and “full body massages”. Find some markers and paper and write up some creative coupons. While a lot of them should be sexual and stuff be sure to include more personal ones like “doing your laundry, cause I know you hate it” or “sitting through a night of watching The Notebook and Never Been Kissed”. That stuff means just as much (if not more!) than all the free head in the universe. Some other cute ideas (aside from the obvious) that will make your lady lay off you about getting a “real job” for at least a few weeks include:

-Giving her a bath and washing her hair (sounds cheesy, but hotter than one might assume)
-One week free of all video games (oh, hush! Yes, you can.)
-A day of letting her drag you around shopping with her
-A night of being the Designated Driver- including picking up and dropping off her girlfriends.
-Give her a pedicure. Feet are gross and it will probably look terrible but she will think it’s fucking adorable.
-A night of hanging out and being completely pleasant with that friend of hers you cannot stand
-A coupon that simply reads, “I’m right and you’re wrong, drop it”

We’re sure you know enough ill shit about your girl to come up with a few more “sexually specific” coupons. Think of stuff you know she loves and she knows you hate. This will prove to her that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to please her and score some serious points. Do both you and your lady a favor and don’t bitch about it if she wants to cash in a coupon, it defeats the purpose.

Next, head to the grocery store. Pick the prettiest, fullest $7 bouquet of flowers you can find. Flowers make more of an impact in bigger numbers – so, buy two smaller, cheaper bouquets and put them together if you have too – just make sure they don’t look skimpy. This does not mean buy 8-dozen baby’s breaths. That’s just tacky. Next, head to the Pillsbury Doughboy isle and grab some chocolate chip cookie dough. Bake her cookies. Everyone fucking loves cookies. If she’s food stupid, tell her you made them yourself (its not a complete lie unless you say “I made them from scratch”) and she’ll never know the difference.

Be creative with your presentation. As long as she’s not a total ice queen she’ll appreciate the thought and effort that you put into it and let you off the hook for being a broke, sorry loser. You really can’t go wrong with flowers cookies and oral. Just do us a favor and get it together before Valentine’s Day…

Okay people, you haven’t been sending in enough questions of your own. It’s completely anonymous, if that’s what your afraid of. Trust us, Would a Jersey girl lie to you?
This is how you can make it up to us, again totally confidential and anonymous. In lieu of a New Years resolution, we are accepting your confessions. Think of the worst thing you did this year, something you swear you’ll never do again, and tell us about it. Getting off your chest and repenting will make it easier to keep this promise in the new year!

4 thoughts on “A Very Special Jersey Girls Holiday”

  1. Missing You Like Andy

    while i agree that not shitting where you work is good general rule of thumb, i think there are definitely exceptions. i’ve hooked up with 2 guys from work without any consequences – in fact, one happened right after the christmas party and we dated for a month. if you work for a larger company and you’re a non-drama-queen kinda girl who can keep steady enough to be responsible when she’s drunk and remember what she did the night before, then go for it. a little hanky panky here and there (especially with someone who you don’t ever work with) won’t hurt anyone, but maybe stay away from the riding people on the dance floor and engaging in threesomes.

  2. This column is incredible. In terms of the first question, however, I would add that you should direct any anger towards your ex-boy, not his new gal, unless she knows you and has wronged you. Ladies gotta stick together, and I’m sure she doesn’t intend to hurt you. I know what it’s like to be on both sides of this circumstance, and neither is too much fun. Way to go, Joisey goils!

  3. Tell the New Year’s Party girl that you know the perfect “date” for her.
    I like shenanigans, I’m a good looking dude, actor… and can dance better than the bozo she broke up with (unless he’s in Street Noize or somethin).

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