Ask The Jersey Girls

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This week: territorial markings, kink, and some truly indecipherable North Jersey gibberish. (NSFW, just stop reading now…)

Q: Hello Ladies,
I have been lucky enough to have a few different ladies over at my place in the last 6 months or so. Some more than others, but every single one of them, at least once, had left behind some sort period-related evidence in my apartment, either in the form of tampon wrappers on the bathroom floor, bloody kleenex bits in the toilet- unflushed, and once an entire tampon, (used) on my bedroom floor. Now girls, you know as well as I that there’s no such thing as a woman not noticing something, ever, so my question is this: is this some sort of territorial marking of some kind? I got no problem with the period, I’m totally cool with the period, I’ve accepted that it exists and I’m willing to work around it, but what the hell?

A: That’s um……reeeally fucking weird. Between the two of us we have a lot of girlfriends, a fair number of which might be considered pretty grimy bitches and we have never heard a word of “marking territory” with anything menstrual related. At the very most maybe leaving an UNUSED tampon in a drawer in the bathroom. That’s just to make clear to whoever might be poking around that there’s someone in the picture frequenting this dude’s space often enough to need a spare. Your case, however, seems truly unique.

Every girl ever has had, what they would consider, unbearably humiliating period mishaps. At the very least we’ve all jammed a wad of TP up-in-thur and prayed we’d make it to dryer ground unnoticed…if not much worse. Periods are part of nature, and we commend you on your willingness to accept them as such and forge ahead. Ladies, un-squeamish dudes are totally underrated! You got a love a guy that’ll throw down a towel and just have at it. Hats off to you, sir, but let us say this: No girl we know is just leaving that kind of shit around for you to find. Not-a-one. Please believe that a normal girl will do anything in her power to cover up any evidence of a bloody accident. Even at our drunkest, horniest, and haziest we’d remember to pick something like a soiled tampon off your bedroom floor! Is this bitch serious? She had to know she went to bed with one in, right? Where you finding these girls? Even if you were comfortable enough to take the frickin’ thing out with your teeth we’d have the common sense to know that you wouldn’t want to find it on the floor in the morning. Do you leave cum-filled condoms lying around on the floor for your lady to pick up? We didn’t think so. To answer your question, we’re pretty sure you have a rare breed on your hands. Although, considering your cucumber coolness about all of these, we’d consider you a “Keeper”.

Q: Dear S & M,
My question for you is not about a specific situation, but more of a problem that I run into all the time. I happen to love really dirty/kinky sex, so much so that I get bored with girls who do not or who are not into it. So, my question is how do I know without going out with a girl for awhile and hooking up with her whether or not she is going to be down with some freaky shit? Reading your column makes me want to live in Jersey, I bet there are some freaks down there!

A: Oh Honey, they don’t call it Dirty Jersey for nothin’! And, yes, there are some freaks down there. It sounds like you’ve got a little problem on your hands, but have no fear, your girls are here to help.

You can never judge a book by its cover; sometimes the most introverted types of people can be the biggest freaks of them all. The tests you’ll need to conduct start off with subtle hints and gestures…and with time, get more and more freaky…

Here are some ways to test the waters:

Say some dirty shit in her ear. Start off slow with innocent dirty talk. Did she say anything back? Did it include the word “stop” with the word “don’t” in front of it? Good. If you can hear tumbleweeds in the silence that follows, you might just have a choir girl on your hands. If she seemed into it, proceed with your reading…

Are you into, say, feet? Biting? Golden showers? OK, where kidding about the last one…but, try rubbing her feet, like really get in there. If she doesn’t recoil at the thought of you getting all in between her toes it’s a good start– and then, do whatever you foot freaks do with your mouths and feet, you ANIMALS. Lightly nibble on her. Any body part will do. We emphasize the word LITE here – she isn’t a steak.

Grab that hair, no bro, harder…yeah, like that. Did she freak? Did she moan? Does she want more? Whatcha say? Yeah, I think she likes it…

Put a finger in her butt. Our female readers will resent us for saying this, but the next time she’s really wet, give her the old “slip-a-roo”. See how far she’ll let you take it. Look for a positive response and when you get one, proceed. If she clenches up like a little clam you just be like, “Oops, you were really wet I must have slipped! Butthole? What butthole?” If you pull this less than three times you can generally get away with it.

If S&M (hehe) is your thing and you really want to give it a go, proceed with caution. If some dude on a third date said he couldn’t wait to shackle me to his radiator for a week or so, we would clearly run for the hills. It takes time and trust for say getting tied up…or putting a ball gag in your mouths or branding each other with cattle prods. A good way to start would be to take the submissive role with it. Start by suggesting she blindfold you. I can’t think of a woman who would turn that one down. Have fun with that, then work towards reversing the roles next time around – progress from there. This trust thing is key, dude. If you handle yourself properly and find you have an equally freaky partner in crime you’ll be hanging from suspension hooks and puking on each other in no time.

Q: Sup Jersey Girls,
I must admit I just left a five year relationship with a girl who wanted to marry me for the charms of a big hoop-ear-ringed, vodka-and-cranberry-swilling, check-out-my-new-Vicki’s, party girl from north NJ. The thing is it’s a long distance relationship and she has a tendency to, as she would say “get kissed by guys in the bar.”– holding to the fact that she doesn’t kiss them back. She tells me that she wants to be in this relationship because she has trust issues with guys and she knows she can trust me. We were friends for a year prior and despite her constant advances I never cheated on my girlfriend with her. So my question is should I trust her or is this the classic Jersey girl hustle…. and be honest. What is it about you Jersey girls? Am I afflicted with the disease known as captain save a ho.
Thanks!

A: Hey now! Jersey does not (necessarily) mean she’s a ho! Although, one of us will man up right now and say: I TOTALLY was that Jersey Girl. I was a much younger woman back then, but I totally pulled that shit. “I’m a wild party girl, bla bla bla, I can out drink the boys and dance on tables! Yada yada yada…I was shaking my boobies all over the dance floor and have no idea why that guy I’ve been chatting up all night tried to kiss me! What a jerk!…”, followed shortly by, “Baby, I love you! I wish you weren’t 4 hours away. I can’t wait to (insert lewd sex act) when I see you next weekend…fuck”. Aaaand you’re back in the Jersey Girl’s grip once again. She’s good at this. She comes off so honest because she’s oh-so-open and follows all bad news with exactly what it takes to get you all mushy again. This doesn’t mean she isn’t genuine with her feelings for you, just know her drama is part of the routine. She’s likely being honest when she says it stops when whoever the guy of the minute is tries to get physical, but let’s be honest, you knew what you were getting into with this one. You saw something in the Jersey broad that made you end your sure thing and take the risk. You wouldn’t have done something stupid like that if you didn’t feel that somewhere in your gut it was the right thing to do. Whether you like it or not, you’re into this chick and you’ve already fucked up with your second runner up so just go with it. Us Jersey Girls are in a league of our own. Once you’ve had a taste we’re hard to give up but you also have to take us for what we are: Big hoop earring wearing, vodka-cran swilling, panty-flashing party girls. Take us or leave us.

Got Ish for the ladies? Send it here. Anonymity guaranteed.

5 thoughts on “Ask The Jersey Girls”

  1. Easy E also said…”now my dick’s all hard, you know what im thinkin’. Took the panties off and tha pussy was stinkin. So i took of my draws and i started to begin” (i’ll spare you the next few lines)… so….

    how credible is a man who moves forward with a scary smelly vagina? wait, didnt he die from aids?

  2. Jeez- just ditch these bitches!
    Skanks (tampon troupe) n Ho’s (Lil Ms. BarSlut), just like the song says- whatever that song is. At least Mr. Tampon Collector is gettin his shit off and moving on.
    The second guy should take the immortal advice of Easy- E:
    “Find em, Fuck em, n Flee.”

    But thanks for making me feel better about my own life.

  3. I have found this breed of girls. They live in Manayunk PA. They leave tampons, used, opened, whatever, in the toilet, on the floor, in the trash, in the hallway. i think its not so much marking of territory, but just a hangover from college that hasn’t worn off.

  4. yeah, seriously. who the hell leaves period paraphernalia lying around? are you sleeping around with 13 yr olds who haven’t had proper tampon etiquette training?

    and, girls, all your talk about steak and cattle prods has made me hungry. you know, rumor has it, Ruth Chris was into some pretty kinky shit in her day.

  5. One of those lovely ladies that was referred to in q&a nombre uno shoulda put her tampon in her boot and kept on trucking….

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