Jersey Girls Know Who the Boss Is

This week? Tony Danza, dirty talk, lazy bitches, and pick-up lines. We’re not sure who’s sicker. You guys, or the crazy broads who answer your questions. Let’s dig in, shall we?

Q: There is no beating around the bush with this one, my girlfriend has let herself go. We’ve been dating for a couple years now, and in the beginning she was the hottest thing this side of the Woonsocket River. Now all I see her in is sweatpants and ponytails. She’s definitely gained some weight, and doesn’t even like going out oto the bars anymore. I love her, but it’s getting to the point of no end. So my question remains, how do I get my hot girlfriend back?

A: This question is reminiscent of something that was on the Maury Povich show light years before he started paternity testing everyone instead of solving actual problems. It was an episode where Maury gave makeovers to women whose husbands claimed they had “let themselves go.” These sweat pants clad, frizzy haired, make up less monsters became transformed in a mere afternoon back to the beautiful “swans” they once where. Tears from him, tears from her, kisses and applause. Everyone leaves happy.

If only it were that easy! Your situation? Well, that’s going to take some work. The sappy assholes in both of us want to say, “Don’t you just love her for who she is? She’s still the girl you fell in love with. bla j bla. It shows how comfortable she is with you…”—but lets get real here. The hot piece of ass she once was is what put that ball and chain on your ankle in the first place. Assuming your still just as charming, active, and ripped (or not ripped) as you were when you started this relationship, its not wrong to expect a little more from her than what she has become.

While it is true that this likely stems from her comfort and confidence in your relationship (which you should totally take as a compliment!!), it doesn’t make her any more attractive to you. It seems as though your girl is just kind of giving up, but fear not. It’s not too late to save her!

If she’s a bit of a baby you’re going to have to start subtly in an effort not to hurt her feelings. The best way to do this is to try a bit of a lifestyle overhaul on yourself. Make it about both of you so she won’t feel like she’s being singled out. Suggest splitting meals when you go out to dinner because you “want to start watching what you eat”, or start/ up your workout at the gym, suggesting she join you to spend some more time together. Let her know you miss having her out with you since you have so much fun when she’s there. Be sweet about it. Tell her you feel like your both in a bit of a funk but love her so much that you know you can help each other through it. Remind her how hot you think she looks in your favorite dress of hers. Compliment her on things you genuinely do love about her. Sometimes all it takes is feeling pretty and desirable to start itching for more of that positive attention. If you see her making the effort, reward her with compliments. She needs to feel hot, that’s what’s going to be the key for change here.

If her skin is a little thicker you might just have to implement some tough love. We’re not advising you to go tell your girlfriend to, “Put down the Funyuns, get that fat lazy ass off the couch and hit a treadmill.” Maybe you just need to be honest. Maybe you just need to tell her that you miss the old her, that you still love and care about her – but you wish she would put her heels on once in awhile and come out to the bar. Tell her that you love her as she is but that she might feel a little better if she got all done-up sometimes.

If she seems resistant or like she doesn’t really give a fuck about what you’re feeling, well, people change. Your girlfriend just happened to change into a lazy chubster who’d rather watch Lifetime movies than party with you. You know, the great guy that stuck by her all these years. You can’t force her to change, and if she’s not budging it might be time to hit the pike.

Q: Ladies, I’ve got a question for you and I need your advice/help! How do you talk dirty? What do you as women like to hear that gets you all hot a bothered? Every now and then the girl I’m seeing will ask me to talk dirty and I do one of two things: Not say anything because I’m a pussy or I don’t know what to say or, equally dumb–I say something but it comes off as not believable and it kills the mood. Its not being able to do things like this well that make me feel like an inadequate lover sometimes and I hate that feeling. HELP!

A: We’ve joked for years that our friends could compile a book of short stories and call it “Craziest Things We’ve Heard During…”. Over the years we’ve heard about, said or experienced first hand things in the bedroom that could shock Ron Jeremy. Dirty talk can make or break a sexual encounter. Saying the right thing could send someone over the edge, while saying the wrong thing could make someone get dressed and leave in a huff.

We understand that this is supposed to be an advice column and all but feel that this opportunity for story time is just too good to pass up. Plus it’s totally relevant and 100% true. So, picture this: Jersey Shore circa summer ’06. A “girl we kinda know” meets a strapping young gentleman at the bar. Things go pretty well between these two lovebirds and she invites this boy back to the beach house for a nightcap. A few drinks, several games of beer pong, and a house tour later our leading lady finds herself on all fours having some of the best sex of her life when her new friend yells something. “WHO’S THE BOSS?!”, he exclaims. Being a Jersey girl she naturally thought to herself, “Well, Springsteen’s the boss, but I can’t say that…”, so instead she moans, “YOU are!”

Again, the boy repeats, “No! WHO’S THE BOSS?” Slightly less sure this time she asks, “You are?”.

“No”, he replies. “Fucking Tony Danza is the boss. Say FUCKING TONY DANZA”…and she does. Little did he know he was nailing the only girl on earth that would think that’s hilarious or appropriate. We told her they might be soul mates. She told us he’s still holding the title for the best she’s ever had. Just goes to show that you can say just about anything, it’s just about how you say it and who you’re fucking.

Not everyone would take so kindly to being asked to scream the names of Hollywood has-beens while some one else is literally inside of them. This is clearly something new for you and it’s really hard when someone puts you on the spot like that. Even sexual beings as vocal as ourselves could get all deer-in-headlights if someone just demands, “TALK DIRTY!” It’s sounding unnatural b/c it is unnatural for you at this point.

Start by jerking off. No, seriously. What are you thinking about? What are you picturing in your head that’s getting you to er–where you need to be. Write it down if you have to, but remember what it is at that moment that’s getting you off. That’s what you need to vocalize. The next step is using that same thought process when you’re actually having sex. If you’re feeling bashful you can start by just kind of narrating what you’re doing. Tell her in the sexiest way possible what you’re doing as your doing it. Even if it’s something as simple as telling her how you want to slowly undress her, if you say it the right way it might be just what you needed for a spring board. Start slow. You don’t want to jump in right off the bat and scream something that could be construed as offensive or weird like, “Fuck me you dirty whore!”, or “I want to suck on your tits like I’m a baby”. Even if that might be what your inner monologue is telling you, keep it to yourself for now. You’ll get there in due time. Like we said before, it’s all about whom you’re with. This is your girlfriend, right? You should have some concept of what her limits are. Act natural. Say what you’re feeling. If it’s genuinely what you’re thinking in that moment, it can’t come off as phony.

As for what we want to hear? Every girl is different, but we’d say it’s a safe bet to say anything about how hot, sexy, beautiful and incredible she is and how hard, horny, hot and bothered that makes you. Have fun! Just use precaution with words like bitch, slut, fat, or your sister.

Q: Dear Ladies, when it comes to talking to women I find myself to be a pretty sly talker, I’d even go as far to say I’m charming. My problem lies is the dreadful approach, where I tend to freeze up and catch myself saying something stupid or offensive, or both. I could use a really good pick up line to get the ball rolling, any suggestion Ms. Pick up artists?

A: Did Mystery teach you nothing? Having trouble opening a set you say? Wait, not everyone killed all the braincells we did watching “The Pick-Up Artist” on VH1 with that cape wearing douchbag who you’re girlfriend, mom, and even S&M here would all willingly bone even though none of us have any idea why? Some might say it’s his charm and ability to make girls feel special. We always said it was his over-sized goggles and furry hat. Either way, let’s get to it.

First of all, there is no “one good pick up line.” Everyone has (or should have) the familiar line they turn too…that fail safe you keep tucked away like extra condoms just in case that someone special/one night stand/complete hotty happens to be mere feet from you. We could tell you ours, but then we’d have to kill you. Or, you’d try and sleep with us because they’re just that good and we can’t have that. Can we?

If your standard line is not working maybe a more daring approach will help you muster up the ability to approach these ladies confidentially. Everyone loves free drinks. If you see a girl you really want to talk to at a bar – begin making your way to the opposite end of the bar – but make sure she can clearly see you. Asks the bartender what she’s drinking and tell him/her to send her another round when she’s done. This might take time – giving you the opportunity to check her out a bit – maybe make some eye contact- just be cool about it, ok? Don’t fucking stare her down.

Look at her when she gets the drink (the bartender might point at you). If she raises a glass to you or nodes or makes any motion, smile back; raise your glass and drink. Now wait. Like 10 minutes. It doesn’t matter what you do – just don’t go over there quite yet. Approach her, say hi – start talking. You can ask her how her drink was; perhaps offer to buy her another one (hhhmmm…fast drinker, eh? Score!–kidding. Just don’t tell her that!)

If she seems responsive and interested, great! That was you’re in, congrats. It only cost you like 8 bucks or so! Go with this. Keep in mind that can be less about what you’re actually saying – and much more about your approach. Men who do this (and aren’t sleazy about it) come off as confident, strong, determined men – and woman (most of ‘em) eat that shit up.

If you catch her making icky poo poo faces or rolling her eyes to her friends then stop wasting your time. Cut your losses and get the hell out of there. The best way to keep yourself from looking like a creep to all the other girls at the bar is to know your roll and not waste your time on someone who is clearly not interested. The minute you come off creepy to one girl is the minute you come off creepy to all girls – leaving you instantly branded with the scarlet C for creep-fest for the rest of the night.

Don’t be too eager. One of us will own up and admit she always goes for the assholes. Its common knowledge women want what they can’t have. So fawning all over a girl you just meet might be a turn-off. Honesty is the best policy. We’d be much more inclined to talk to a guy that says, “Hey, I saw you and I wanted to talk to you. What’s up?” than, “Is that a mirror in your pocket cuz I can definitely see myself in your pants!”–Ew, barf. Complimenting her style or “the way she lights up a room” are good approaches as long as you’re being honest about it. Look, just be yourself. You said you’re a charming guy, go with your gut.