Ask The Jersey Girls

This week: Moving-in jitters, vaginal flatulence and the after-school special they should have made, but didn’t.
Q: Jersey Girls, I have been dating my girlfriend now for a while and she is great. We hit it off from our first conversation and I haven’t looked back since. We’re even planning on moving in with each other, which I am really excited about. Over the past month I have been having some crazy and intense sex dreams about a handful of former regulars from my single sex life as well as some other random girls I know. Is this any kind of a sign? The dreams are pretty frequent. Should I be re-evaluating my decision to move in with my girlfriend?

A: We don’t know, should you? Probably not. Look, just because your moving in with someone doesn’t mean your not allowed to fantasize about other people. Whether you’re having them consciously or not, these thoughts are nothing to scold yourself over – and trust us, it’s better that you’re acting them out in your dreams and not with some floozy in real life.

These dreams should be seen as a healthy use of your imagination – but, if you are honestly having doubts then maybe you should re-evaluate things. Making a big move like moving in together is a huge deal. It always seems like a great idea to wake up to your little love muffin every morning, but take into account how warm and fuzzy you WON’T feel when your little pooky blows up the bathroom with something that could offend a yeti or doesn’t pay bills as timely as you might like when it’s your name on the bill and your credit on the line. It’s normal to have doubts, but your dreams shouldn’t be influencing this decision. This question actually reminds us of one we answered a couple months back. Long story short, you’re probably fine. Don’t be a pussy about taking the plunge and we wish you the best of luck keeping your cool when you’re unclogging her soapy old hair out of your drain.

Q: Ladies, I am a straight, twenty-something and feel as though I am a charming, good-looking guy. I haven’t had the best of luck with the ladies recently. Put simply– I haven’t gotten any in a while. I’m not really sure what it’s about; but, while taking care of my ‘male needs’, I have had images of random men pop-up in my internal Rolodex. What is going on?

A: You’re gay. Just kidding! Don’t panic, dude. Just because some unusual shit has been popping into your head when you’re spanking it doesn’t mean you’re gay. You said yourself you’ve hit a bit of a dry spell. I don’t know how you roll, but we burn through an 8-pack of batteries each when we’re not getting any lovin’. Maybe you’re stuck handling your own business so frequently that your sexual fantasies have become somewhat monotonous. You’re running out of ideas in your spank bank and just need something new and different to keep you interested.

We’re in total agreement that there are things that have popped up on our internal rolodexes that seem truly unthinkable while masturbating. We really think that your head just fucks with you sometimes. I’ve always blamed ADD for why dinner with my parents or Steve Buschemi (no joke!) have made me stop myself mid self-love and attempt to get my head straight enough to try and proceed. Are you turned-off when these dudes pop into your fantasies? In our own experience, most off-color thoughts have derailed our ability to finish the job, not enhanced it. Thinking weird thoughts is totally normal, it’s when the thought of being sexual with men is what’s making this enjoyable for you that this might be something you want to explore a little more deeply.

As for your dry spell, we know it sucks, just understand that it happens to nearly everyone (Jersey Girls included). You’re not going to make things any better for your situation when your sitting around, jerking off and thinking about dudes all day. We kid, (kind of). If you think girls are going to just come to you – you’re thinking very wishfully. HIT ON A LADY. Maybe buy one a drink? Maybe you should look to last week’s post about picking up a girl at a bar. Know this: you’ll get laid eventually, it’s not the end of the world, you’re probably not gay, and even if you are that’s cool, too. Take care, maybe we’ll catch you at Mirabar sometime!

Q: Jersey Girls,
I’m a girl in my mid-twenties who only recently began having sex regularly. I’ve always heard stories about girls’ queefing (even a lady who can do it on demand), and I’m curious why this has never happened to me. Is there something wrong with me?

God. Fucking. Bless. You. You’re one lucky duck to have dodged this bullet for all these years. We’re fairly certain that every girl ever can remember exactly what position, with whom, where, and exactly how it felt for her entire nude body to turn bright red with embarrassment as she heard her body make that noise for the first time. Mortifying.

For those of you who have been living under a rock that is on Mars, queefing, also known as vaginal flatulence, is “an emission or explosion of air from the vagina, often during or after sexual intercourse or (less often) other sexual acts, stretching or exercise.” Who wants their vagina exploding like that? Would you be weirded out by some guy who doesn’t pass gas? Nah, you’d probably be grateful he isn’t dutch-ovening you in your sleep.

Queefing is just a way for trapped air in your hole to get out. It happens most often when your getting fucked really hard, he keeps pulling out, or you’re changing positions. So, you’re either not getting fucked hard enough or are one of the chosen few to be queef-free (for now) – congratulations. To queef or not to queef, is that your question? Either way you’re totally normal. Be thankful that you’ve never heard the dreaded pussy fart. Yeah, we said it.

One of us has actually been fortunate enough (maybe not fortunate, per se…) to see first hand, in person a girl who could queef on command. It was truly hilarious and actually pretty impressive. If you’re still curious, the least we could do was provide a Youtube clip. (Do you need to be told that a queefing vid. is NSFW?)

Q: Dearest Jersey Girls,
I too am from the Garden State and visit it frequently. The last time I was home I met a guy and we really hit it off. We’ve been pretty much in constant contact since we met and have met up twice to hang out, once in Jersey and once in Providence. Things are going pretty well, but I’m usually not the settling type. I’ve never started anything long distance like this before and wanted to know when I’m supposed to cut off ties with other guys I’m seeing more casually and stop exploring my other options. I don’t want to rush things, but I feel that especially with the distance proving my ability to be monogamous is important. When’s the right time to be a one-man woman?

A: Not to sound all cliché and “after school special” or anything, but only you will know when it’s the right time to write the other dicks out of your life. [Ed. I think I saw that special] Long distance is hard; especially when you actually have your hand stuck in a few cookie jars already. Ask yourself this, do you want the crumbly stale cookies at the bottom of the jar that you’ve been just nibbling on for a while, or do you want the cookies that are always hot, fresh, gooey and waiting for you when you get the pleasure of enjoying them. Hmm. Cookies. We really have to stop writing when we’re hungry…

Where were we? Oh yeah, you need to talk to your new guy. He’s in this too, and we’re sure he understands what you’re dealing with because he’s dealing with it too. Sometimes when you start something long distance like this there tends to be a sense of urgency to rush into something and set rules and guidelines. While it’s important to know what the rules are (if there are any), just because you live about 4.5 hours apart doesn’t mean you have to take this any faster than you would if they lived up the street. Like you said, you just met this guy.

We hesitate to advise you to put all of your eggs in one basket with someone you’re just getting to know, but as we said, only you know what’s right for you. If you feel early on that he’s worth making the commitment to, then go for it. Just because you haven’t openly set the guidelines for this newborn relationship doesn’t mean you have to see other people just because. If you feel in your heart that being monogamous is the right thing to do, it likely is. We always ask ourselves this: If this guy turns out to be your husband one day and he asks you if you we’re with anyone else between the time you two got together and now, how comfortable will you feel telling him you were screwing around for the first month because you “didn’t know you weren’t supposed to?” Us? We might be fine with it, but a lot of girls wouldn’t, and a lot of guys wouldn’t want to hear it. Just something to take into consideration. Talk it out and figure out what works for both of you. Just know that long distance relationships take a lot of work. You need double the trust, commitment, passion, fire and honesty of a normal “roll over and see your face every morning” relationship to make long distance work. Good Luck, and we suggest not deleting those other numbers out of your lil’ black book just yet.

Next week: The Ex-Files… as always, send your ish here.