The Jersey Girls Present: The Ex Files

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So it seems that more than a few of you are still sweating your exes. Jeez! Get over it already! This week the girls take you all on a stroll down memory lane and revisit relationships past. Welcome to the Ex-Files, saps. Next week it’s back to the nitty gritty. As always, send your baggage here

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I recently spoke to one of my best girlfriends who asked me if I felt funny about her asking out my ex-boyfriend. We dated in high school (nearly 10 years ago), and I have no feelings for him or intentions of rekindling that flame, but we speak occasionally and still have a few mutual friends. For some weird reason it does kind of bother me. He was my first and it just makes me uncomfortable to think of him with one of my friends, even after all these years. I feel silly telling her that I mind. I’m not even sure why I do. What should I tell her?

A: First of all, this is one of your BEST friends we’re talking about? Speak up, dummy! She can’t fault you for caring. Here’s the general theory: If you have to ask your friend if you’re allowed to do something without it hurting their feelings, chances are, deep down you already know the answer is no. She wouldn’t ask if she didn’t think there was a good possibility that you’d mind, and you don’t have to feel silly for being uncomfortable with the idea of the guy you lost your v-card to sticking it to one of your best friends. That’s normal. Ten years ago or ten minutes ago, a lot of women instinctually have “once mine, always mine” feelings about their exes. That’s why it can be so easy to fall into old habits with ex-boyfriends or not care so much about the new girls in their lives when you feel like flirting or reminiscing about the good ol’ times.

Of course, as with all matters of the heart, there are exceptions to the rules. There are women who really wouldn’t mind a friend going for their exes, although we have yet to meet them. Most of our friends would call and apologize if they thought our 7th grade boyfriends were cute. It’s part of “girl code” and if you have a vagina and say you don’t know what that is you’re a fucking liar. We’ve said from day one that it’s an unspoken rule that for every REAL, great girlfriend you have there’s an average if 6-7 guys you can’t kosher-ly sleep with. Be they ex-boyfriends, brothers, or the totally unattainable guy she’s been pining after for years and still has no chance with but would be crushed if you hooked up with—just don’t do it. Let’s have a math lesson boys and girls! A woman is extremely lucky to have 5 true girlfriends in her lifetime. Even if we round the “Don’t Fuck” list up to 8 that’s only 56 men on planet Earth you can’t sleep with. That sounds like a bargain to us!

While it might surprise a lot of people how hard it is for some bitches to NOT have sex with the 56 men in her friends’ lives she’s not supposed to, we’re sure your friend is practical. She had the good sense to ask before she acted and you should have the good sense to be honest with her. The last thing you want is to bullshit her and end up with bottled up animosity that’s totally unnecessary. Unless you think that these two could be soul mates and your harbored, schoolgirl feelings are going to stop them from a happy life together with picket fences, babies (ew!), and crap like that, then feel free to tap the breaks.

Q: To get to the point my ex is by far the best sex I’ve ever had. We’ve been broken up for almost a year, and I don’t particularly miss HIM, but I’m definitely missing the sex. I’ve been physical with a handful of really cool, attractive guys since then but nothing compares. We were so comfortable with each other and that really opened my eyes to things I had never tried before. I’m hesitant to try these things with my more casual encounters. Help!

A: We feel you, lady. One of the best things about monogamy is the comfort level you achieve with someone. All those gross habits and weird hobbies you feel comfortable sharing with your partner really do make your relationship stronger. This is what made you put your guard down in the first place and open your eyes (…and legs, among other things) to stuff sexually you’d never tried before. Unfortunately, no matter how open minded any person can be – it’s near impossible to achieve that level of comfort with someone you’ve just met. While you might not want to drag some dude/chick you just met at the bar into the make shift torture den in your pantry, that doesn’t mean you need to keep it missionary with the lights off kind of sex.

There’s nothing wrong with asking or trying what you want in the bedroom with a new guy. You just need to find someone who’s into the same kinky shit you’re into. Problem is, unless by chance your lifestyle consists of fetish conventions and bondage parties being that vocal too quickly could turn off your new potential sex-mate. Being a freak in the sheets is nothing to harp over, and should actually be celebrated (new national holiday anyone?) – but there really is a time and place for everything. If this kind of sexual “experimentation” is that important to you, then you need to look beyond one night stands and casual encounters. We’ve found with time, and a few (who’s counting?) one-night stands under our belts, that the best sex is had when you’re feeling secure and confident. Don’t be afraid to take charge to get what you want. Hopefully your new guy will be into it whatever gets you all hot and bothered. Truth be told, sometimes it takes a little bit of lousy sex to show what you really want—or don’t want–in the sack. What is it; you have to fuck a couple frogs till you find your prince? Do work, girlfriend. You’ll meet your match. Pining after what was isn’t going to get you anywhere. On to the next.

Q: Hey ladies! I need some advice. My ex boyfriend, who I’m still on good terms with, is moving halfway across the country. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this means it’s really over, but would love to get one last good fling in there to give him a little something to remember me by, Is this a bad idea?

A: For the first time in a while S&M are in disagreement! Let’s hash our options:

M says:
I don’t mean to be such a tight ass here, but I think this is a horrible, self destructive, painful excuse of an idea. He was your ex before he planned on moving away? Then why are you looking for closure now? What’s the point? So you can fawn over all the good memories you guys had after he leaves and then get pissed when he doesn’t answer your late night dirty texts half way across the country? Sex shouldn’t be how he remembers you. It’s over and you’re just hurting yourself lady, move on.

While S protests:
Fuck it. What’s the big deal? If you’re not hurting anyone (i.e.: current partners, yourself, him-if he’s still really into you) then, who cares? I definitely have exes I’m still close, and flirty with. If I knew I’d never have the chance again, I could see how the idea of being with them one last time would be tempting. If it really is just for fun and not because you still harbor emotional attachment towards him I say go for it. Ex sex can be comfortable, intense, and fun. There’s a reason why you did it for as long as you did—that reason most likely being because it was fucking awesome. Say, where is my little black book, anyway…?


Q: I have a good guy friend that I spend a lot of time with. It’s pretty clear we have a little thing for each other and we’ve even drunkenly made out a few times. I really feel like we could comfortably explore taking things to the next level but there’s one really big problem: HIS EX! They’re “just friends” but it’s obvious that she’s desperately clinging on to the idea of them getting back together and she’s chosen me as her confidant! She has no idea we’ve got a little something going on and worse she’s been trying to hang out with me pretty regularly. She’s a nice girl, but I can’t befriend her with good conscience. What do I do?

A: What a tricky little bitch! Smarty-pants is keeping her enemies closer. She’s not stupid, She’s a possessive, desperate, “hanging on for dear life just in case he’s drunk or desperate enough to slip up and do me”, ex girlfriend. Poor thing, she’s got it bad. You don’t have to worry about being her real friend because she probably doesn’t even like you all that much anyway. You are simply someone who has boobies. Boobies that are near her newly single ex-boyfriend. If she’s not completely blind she’s aware of the “little something” you and her ex have going on, and she’s trying to make you like her enough to stay away from “her” man.

Do not make friends. Back away from the she-devil, she’s trying to trick you. Be nice, but not too nice and under no circumstances are you two to hang out without him. The second you acknowledge a relationship with her outside of your mutual “friend” she will try to peg you as her friend. Then, when she finds out you’re schtooping her dude on the side, you look like the she-devil because she, “totally trusted you, you betch!” There is nothing worse than getting involved in a bitter love triangle with an ex couple. To be totally honest, an ex relationship as close as this could be a red flag, and this guy better be worth the inevitable drama that will come with hooking up. If you do decide to keep this thing going, hopefully this broad will eventually take the hint and realize you’re not taking the bait. She might not be your biggest fan at the end of the day, but at least you don’t have to deal with a guilty conscience and looking like jerk.

Q: I broke up with my most recent ex a few months ago and we did it on pretty good terms. We’ve remained “just friends” and I intend on keeping it that way. What are some things I can do with my ex so that it doesn’t feel like a date? We both want to hang out but I want to be clear about how platonic I want this to stay. Ideas?

A: Staying friends with your ex can be hard! Your relationship was hopefully based on a solid friendship—a friendship you shouldn’t have to sacrifice just because you aren’t dating anymore. That being said, if you are going to be friends, you’ve both got to be cool about it. You need to be on the same page about what’s going on – and equally over it for this to work.

Avoid hanging out one on one if you can. If unavoidable, go someplace you didn’t go to regularly when you dated. Those all too familiar surroundings can conjure up bad ideas, misplaced feelings, and more bad ideas. You also don’t want to do anything too datey like seeing romantic comedies, miniature golfing, staying in and making dinner or whatever the fuck it is you people do on dates. Going shot for shot at some dark bar is also not the brightest idea. Keep it light, no candle lit dinners or walks on the beach. Use your heads, kiddies.

When deciding if hanging out with you ex is a good idea at all ask yourself the following questions:

1) Does the thought of him talking about other chicks make you want to club him?
2) Do you miss that little snort he makes when he laughs at his own jokes?
3) Do you want to jump his bones every time you see him/her?

Answer yes to any or all of these questions and you shouldn’t be doing anything with your ex. If you’re going to be friends, let it be clear that you’re just that. If any part of you is itchin’ to give this relationship another go don’t put yourself through the bullshit. Additionally, if you know deep down he still sweats your nuts, go easy on him. Just because it might be easy for you to just chill and chat about the dude you met at the bar last weekend doesn’t mean he wants to hear about it any more than you would if the tables we’re turned. Be smart, and more importantly be nice. The ice in these situations tends to be thin. Tread carefully.

Ask The Jersey Girls…

2 thoughts on “The Jersey Girls Present: The Ex Files”

  1. anonymous jg fan 69

    Your all’s disagreement was very inciteful. My initial response to the situation was the same as S’s, because, you know, I’m a slut. But M brought up a lot of good points. Girl clearly is looking for closure where she won’t find it. It reminds me of the time my ex made me (through pitiful begging) kiss her goodbye after we broke up (yick) only like mad multiplied out of control. I think agree with M in principle, but sometimes, you know, you gotta make bad decisions.

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