This week: Sex tapes, voyeurism, and matters of taste. Most def. NSFW but you knew that, right?
Q: Dear S&M,
I had a pretty bad break up with an ex, and I’m certain he’s in the possession of a very incriminating video on his computer that we made while we where together. Were not currently on speaking terms and while I’m sure he’d never use it against me, I’m not willing to take any chances. I still have a copy of his apartment keys – and I doubt he’s changed the password on his computer. Is it crazy to stop by when he’s at work and make my problem disappear?
A: Oh, no. Breaking and entering is totally sane and legal. Maybe you should toss the place while you’re at it? Shake him up a little bit, show him who’s boss. HEY, crazy pants, whatever you’re smoking, please share some with us because you’re talking batshit over there. Just because you were once close enough with someone who obviously trusted you with full access to their home doesn’t mean they’ll want you poking around uninvited, unannounced, and worst of all, unknowingly! You have absolutely no right to let yourself in to your exes place. You sound like a bunny boiler. Fucking relax and think straight.
We shouldn’t have to tell you that this is why you shouldn’t videotape yourself doing dumb, naked, sexual shit with anyone if you don’t want people to see it. We guess that’s neither here nor there, but just don’t be stupid guys. Anyway, here’s what you’re going to do. Call him. If since you’re not on speaking terms, homeboy gives you the double-click and ignores the call, leave him a cool, calm, and collected message. No reply? Try again in two days. You said you weren’t too worried about him being a dick about this, but you still want it resolved asap. You have a little time, don’t start getting crazy yet. Leave another message asking to please get back to you– it’s important. Wait a few more days. Stop by there and try to talk to him like a civilized adult—because you are one. Some of you might be asking, “why not a text? An email?”, here’s why: If he’s really that pissed —pissed enough to be ignoring your calls– you don’t want to put the idea of any file sharing in his head on the .0001% chance that he hasn’t already thought of it. Be sure to go when you’re sure he’ll be there. Tell him why you’re there, ask him to delete it in front of you and thank him when he does. Tell him it was fun while it lasted but you think it would be better for both of you to destroy whatever the hell it is you did in you’re small screen debut. You guys dated, he should be cool about this. Hand over your key and tell him it was a pleasure doing business with him. If he’s not so cool, well, we guess you learned your lesson. Hope you worked it and send us a link when that shit hits the net!
Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I have this intense desire to watch other people have sex. I just want to sit in a corner and watch a hot couple bone while I take care of myself. I guess I’ve been making up for this fantasy by watching lots of porn instead, but I want the real thing. Any suggestions on how to find what I’m looking for? (I’m looking for a couple I’m not friends with)
A: Oh man, how we love us some good kink! Especially something that can be fulfilled by simply opening your Macbook and taking a quick look on the Internet. Have you seriously never heard of Craigslist? Really?! Or even, dare we say, Adult Friend Finder? These websites are full of freaks like you trying to get down and dirty with their darker sides. The little voyeuristic demon inside you needs to be let out and you’re just a few clicks away from his freedom.
On Craigslist you can seriously find or ask for anything from used tires to used panties, part-time jobs to blowjobs by trannies… Judging by the number of ads we just read, trust us honey, you’re not alone. We were planning on providing a few links to ads we found for you but all the good ones had some pretty serious pictures, and we’re not trying to give our tight ass editors heart attacks at their old ages (Just kidding, boys!). If you want to be a little more in control and selective you can always post your own ad asking for exactly what you want. Just please, please, PLEASE be as careful, smart and safe as you can.
We’ve also heard of (yes, even in Providence!) swingers clubs and parties that go on even though they tend to be a very hushed, inner-circle kind of thing. Even us two skanks don’t know much about them besides rumors and hearsay. Again we say the Internet is a powerful tool to find whatever it is your looking for. Start there. If nothing more you can find a discussion forum to meet some other kinky kids such as yourself to help point you in the right direction or tell you which kind of clam chowder is the password at the sex-fest 08’.
I just started seeing this guy and things are going really well, there’s just one problem: his cum tastes horrible. I’m not the squeamish type, and normally wouldn’t shy away – but, it really is disgusting. Girls I’m open to anything, any ideas on how to remedy the situation?
A: Ahh, the dreaded funky spunk. Men think they have it bad when it comes to going downtown, but we would just loooove to see their faces if some white hot load got shot down their throats at high velocity. Think fish sticks dipped in maple syrup, gentlemen. Ga-ross! They say that sweet fruits like pineapple in your man’s diet will help, but it sounds like your problem will take a little more than a fruit salad.
This site offers a bunch of helpful suggestions, but we’ll help you out with the Cliff’s Notes version, and we’re not too sure your new man piece is going to be thrilled about some of these:
1) No booze, coffee, soda, drugs and cigarettes. Yeah, have fun with that.
2) Overload on the water to flush out body toxins.
3) Like we said, get fruity! The above-mentioned site suggests pineapple, papaya, cranberry, melons, mangos, apples, and grapes.
4) Avoid cauliflower, broccoli, asparagus, garlic, onions, large quantities of red meat, and junk foods.
5) Parsley, wheatgrass, celery, cinnamon, peppermint and lemon help with sweetness too!
Our friends already tease us relentlessly for thinking we’re the next two Carrie Bradshaws so we’ll just bite the bullet and reference Sex and the City. This advice comes direct from one of our favorite episodes and Samantha (you know, the blonde/old one/slut?) got it all right. Tell your man about his little problem. Give him some of the advice we gave you in hopes that some of that crap will help. If his spunk still tastes funky and he’s adamant about you taking it like a champ then give him a taste of his own err–medicine. Be brave, hold a little bit of his disgusting man juice in your mouth and promptly give him the wettest deepest kiss imaginable. This is called a snowball. Pull away and wait for reaction. Watch as he throws up in his mouth a little bit. He now understands. Also, we know this might sound crazy, you being such a porn star and all, but you could always (gasps!) not swallow! There are a million other places to take a load. Like your butt.