Ask The Jersey Girls

This week: dirty texting, going downtown, and actual research!

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I hooked up with this guy last weekend, and the next morning he sent me a text message “thanking me for riding his c***”… how am I supposed to take that?

A: Ha. That’s what he said. We wish we could explain why dudes say weird shit sometimes. And while it’s refreshing to hear that said dude in question is throwing out compliments like that, it’s hard to judge where he was going with it.

We don’t know the circumstances under which you two met and therefore, how quickly you put out. Realize that by texting or saying something of this nature, and not, “Hey baby, I’ve been thinking about you all day”, or, ”Still in bed, wish you were with me”—he’s clearly making this about sex, at least for now. If you think this could evolve into something more or this guy is at least someone you’d like to keep sleeping with; then don’t text back till you’re good and ready. Your response should depend on where you want this to go. If you’re cool with keeping this casual and flirty you could text back something equally dirty or encouraging like, “Oh, please…You didn’t love it as much as I did”, or “Anytime, thank you for letting me ride your face all night”. If that’s not your style you could always wait till last call on Friday night, still keeping the casual vibe about it. If you’re trying to keep this off a purely sexual track maybe respond on an early evening when the booze pumping through your bones is a little less toxic and you’ve given him over 24 hours to get his head back after riding his brains out all night.

We advise you to keep a few things in mind. Firstly, if you do choose to go the route of a dirty response—or as we like to say–“having text” as early as the next morning, you could be opening up a floodgate. You’re giving him the green light to keep it up. You can’t get offended if he says something a little off-color when you’ve prompted him with, “If you bent me any further over your kitchen sink I could have drowned”. Secondly, don’t trick yourself into thinking his contacting you means he’s into you, with his choice of words, the only thing he’s clearly into thus far is your vagina. Is there room for this to grow someday? Possibly, but don’t hold your breath just yet.

Q: Ladies,
What’s up with female ejaculation? It came up in conversation with some friends recently and I was at a complete loss for words. Can every girl do that?

A: Ah, the elusive squirting female orgasm. You all might be surprised at know how hard it is to get straight answers on this particular topic. Here’s what we know for sure: one of us has never done it and the other one is only pretty sure she did it once—at least that’s her only reasonable explanation for the mess that was made. We’ve heard stories from friends, both male and female, but gotten different descriptions and explanations across the board. We’ve seen plenty of porn proving that it happens, but then again, if we believed everything we saw in porn we’d think that we’re supposed fuck every pizza boy, nurse, or handy man that crosses our paths.

We did a little research and the following is what we were able to conclude. Basically, according to both Wikipedia and our own sex bible, Paul Joannides’s Guide to Getting It On!, there are three kinds of female orgasms; clitoral, vaginal and a combination of the two—sometimes called a blended orgasm.

These blended orgasms, as well as G spot orgasms, are said to be what causes female ejaculations, although neither type of orgasm guarantees that result. It completely depends on the individual woman.

Basically, this is the abbreviated deal:

Female ejaculations are different from female orgasms. The female ejaculation you speak of is actually a fluid made up of urine, ejaculation and natural lubricant. This fluid actually releases from your pee hole (crazy, right? We didn’t know either) – not your vagina. In order to cause this – you need to poke at the phantom G Spot. By making a “come here” motion with your fingers when you’re inside her you will poke your way to the water works super highway – or at least that’s the best advice we can come up with thus far. “The Squirt” can also be caused by intercourse, although the right kind of angles and maneuvers must be in place.

Honestly, along our research we found a lot of contradictory advice and opinions and we just wanted to present to you what seemed to be the most clear and concise explanation. Basically, “what’s up” with female ejaculation is that it’s said to be the result of some of the deepest, most intense orgasms. To answer your question, no, not every girl can do that, but it’d be a whole lot cooler if we could.

Q: Hi Girls,
My problem is this, I’ve been seeing my new guy exclusively for about 4 months or so and I can count on one hand the number of times he’s gone down on me. The regular sex is pretty good, but it would be that much better if he didn’t skip this major part. What can I do or say to fix this?

A: S & M here may not agree on everything but there’s one rule we both swear and live by: EAT IT OR BEAT IT! Here’s our take, when you really lust for and love someone you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make them feel as incredible as possible. Your guy not going down on you means one of two things: either he doesn’t know better because you haven’t taught him any differently, or he just doesn’t really care.

We’re assuming here that you haven’t brought this up to him, which is problem numero uno. What’s with the lack of communication here, silly? Four months and he doesn’t know you need him to lick the beaver? This is half your fault for not being vocal about your needs. We say weekly that communication is the biggest part of a relationship.

The only other thing we say almost as much as, “communication is key”, is that there’s no reason to settle for anything less than the best you’ve ever had! If this is something you’ve brought up to him and he just isn’t into it, it shows that he isn’t that into doing what he needs to do to please you. Needless to say, this is a problem. Its not like you’re asking this guy to let you poop on him, oral sex is like standard—etiquette even. You need to talk to him. Though they’re a rare breed, there are still some guys that just flat out don’t like it and won’t do it. Those guys are pussies, and selfish ones at that. It’s a proven fact that most women need clitoral stimulation to climax and a guy who doesn’t take that into consideration needs a swift kick in the ass. Hopefully a firm talking to (and maybe some killer blowjobs) will assure him how important oral sex is to both of you. If not, then it’s up to you if you’re willing to settle for a no head relationship. We say it’s time for him to beat it.

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