Ask The Jersey Girls

This week: big tippers, face sitters, and fighting the big easy.

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,

A few weeks ago I was out for a drink with a co-worker and his friend who are both 15 years my senior. I really hit it off with the friend – so we agreed to meet for a drink later in the week. We spoke a lot, even about how I “danced” my way through college and my current financial woes– but, casually- and not with a preying tone. Anyway, at the end of the date he hands me a $100 bill and thanks me for his company. I took it, and I feel weird about it – but I find myself attracted to him. How should I handle this to avoid it turning into a sugar daddy relationship?

A: We’ve never been on a date when someone slipped us some moola – come to think of it, we can’t think of the last time either of us went on a real date (drinks at E&O or Lili’s don’t count, sorry boys). However, we do know that if you like this guy – he’s gotta know that this relationship can’t just be about the Benjamin’s. We all get it – he’s trying to help, but this is really not the way to go about it – and you need to set things straight.

It’s important to make clear that you can’t be bought. You mentioned a few personal things because you felt comfortable with this guy, not because you wanted or expected anything from him besides an ear. Just because you’re a former “dancer” doesn’t mean you’re looking for hand outs so here’s what you’re going to do given you’re not put off by his slightly tacky gesture. You’re going to call this guy and ask him out to a decent dinner. When the bill comes you’re going to smoothly slip the hundred in to cover it. Do not let him pay under any circumstance. Wait for him to take a bathroom break and mention to the server that you’ll be taking care the bill ahead of time if need be. When he fights you on paying the bill tell him what’s up. Tell him that as much as you really appreciate his gesture from the other night it was totally unnecessary. Let him know that you are spending time with him because you like him, not because you want something from him. That will help set some ground rules. If you like this guy and things work out and he gets you nice shit sometimes then go ahead, girlfriend! You found a keeper. But keep in mind that as much as the money might help you out right now “the only difference between a hooker and ho ain’t nuthin’ but a fee.” Gotta love Salt and Pepa. Don’t be a ho.

Q: Jersey Girls,

It seems I have a reoccurring problem: I fuck early. I meet a guy, think I’m really into him, and then sleep with him too soon. I want guys to take me seriously, but what’s the point in waiting if I know I like him and know I’m going to have sex with him soon enough anyway? Is this always bad? How can I keep my vagina in my pants?

A: Wowza! We feel you on this one, sister. Sometimes it feels like you’re spiting yourself when you have to try so hard to wait just not to look slutty or whatever. Sometimes it’s ok to say fuck it—just know that by doing the nasty early on you’re risking him thinking that you’re easy. It’s just a fact. It’s not always bad. I mean, we’ve all had our momentary lapses of judgment and given up the goods before we should have, but there are a few ways to try and avoid it if you’re literally struggling to keep it in your pants.

Now, this only applies to females who keep their nether regions clean-shaven; but hide your razor. We personally wouldn’t be showing our lady parts to anyone new if they weren’t perfectly groomed. Growing yourself a little bush when you’re not used to having one might help ensure that you’ll be the only one seeing your girl parts for a little while.

Dig up some gross granny panties. You know the ones, you wear them a few days each month when you’re “surfing the crimson wave”. The ones you never let ANYONE see. Wear those on your next date. You’d sooner die than have you’re potential new guy peel those awful things off your body. It’s just a precaution.

Finally, just stop being easy. C’mon. You can do it. Don’t sleep with him right away. It’s ok to just make out for a while. And if he’s hassling you to have sex with him right off the bat, he’s not trying to date you anyway. Look, only you’re going to know when your ready to sleep with a guy for the first time, but the truth of the matter is: when you fuck early some guys lose respect for you. Is it kind of sexist and unfair? Sure, but it’s just the way it is. Do what you gotta do, but also keep in mind that when you sleep with a dude too early he could turn out to be (gasps!) a douchebag! Be aware that you might accumulate a few extra notches on your bedpost before you find your prince.

Q: Ladies,

I just started dating a new guy and things are going really well. The sex is great, except for one thing I’m not particularly comfortable with, he’s asked me several times to sit on his face. The first time he just tried to scoot me up while I was on top of him and I was able to worm my out of it, but lately he’s blatantly asked, “sit on my face” during sex. I feel weird, like im going to suffocate him. How do I get out of it?

A: Oh no. You’re one of those girls that’s never taken a hand mirror to her puss, aren’t you? Why on earth would you want to get out of it? You need to get comfortable, a.s.a.p. We know people are weird about their bodies, but think! This is someone who cares about you and thinks you’re beautiful. What is there to be ashamed of? Your boy just wants some face time and what’s sexier than him wanting to get all up in your business like that – you should take this as a good sign, not fight it. If you’re truly not comfortable, all you have to do is speak up. We’re sure he’ll understand….

Now can we try and persuade you for a sec? It’s pretty much common knowledge that many women find it easier to reach climax when they are on top during sex. That has to do with how the blood in your body flows to your va-jay-jay when you’re aroused. When your torso is upright the blood from you’re brain flows faster and easier down to your little lady causing seriously intense orgasms. We think you should set your reservations aside and enjoy yourself! Give yourself a headboard or something like it and hold on to feel more secure and keep your weight on your knees. You’ll be fine, and chances are you won’t suffocate him. And think of it this way, if he did suffocate, what better way to go?

Q: Dear S&M,

I was dating this guy for about 10 months when things came to a bitter end. Although we are on friendly terms now, his other ex-girlfriend is still a bitch to me every time I see her. We have mutual friends and I don’t really like the bad attitude she gives me, or the snide comments under her breath. I’ve never been anything short of nice to her, and I’m not sure what gives. Should I talk to her about it?

A: If you have to deal with this girl on a pretty regular basis you should absolutely say something about her piss poor attitude. You’re not in high school anymore and this kind of behavior is just lame-o. You need to learn how to pick your battles – and this girl needs to be set straight. There are two ways to handle this. The right thing to do would probably be to handle this like the lady you are. Don’t be too abrasive, confrontational, drunk, or worked up. Maybe a short email during daylight hours or a quick pull aside prior to a gathering where you know she and your mutual ex will be. Keep it quick and just say something along the lines of, “Hey, I really hope there’s no bad blood between us…” Explain to her that you and he are just friends now, and that whatever might have happened in the past shouldn’t matter now.

Or you could handle this the way we would. We could see ourselves getting real Jersey on this chick, real quick. If this is any kind of social occasion (like a regular Tuesday night…) either one of us would already be a few pints in. We’d obviously be expecting her to get all bitchy and sass us but we’d know to play cool. Kill her with kindness; just wait for her to say something stupid under her breath. Then, you can drunkenly say something equally dumb like, “Yo, duuude, Grow up!” Smile and watch it escalate from there – or just watch her walk away with her tail between her legs.

Whether you handle this like a lady or well, whatever we are – at least you got your two cents in.

Got ish with your ladyparts? Dude troubles? Send them in, skanks.