Ask The Jersey Girls

Q: Dear S&M,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple years now and we just recently moved in together. Things are going fine – with the exception of one thing. I was accidentally logged into his email account the other day and although I didn’t read the emails; I noticed a handful from a girl’s name (whom I didn’t recognize) with suspicious headline subjects. I don’t even know how to begin bringing this up, especially since I don’t want to look like a snoop – But also because it might mean I’d have to come to terms with him cheating on me. I’m hurt and confused any advice on how to confront him about this?

A: Listen Detective Benson, you do not need to get all cuckoo bananas just yet. First of all, good for you for not reading the emails. Most women wouldn’t have had the self-control to resist – and for that we applaud you. Doing so also shows that you (gasp!) might actually trust him. You’ve done the right thing thus far and we urge you to keep up this good work. Start by telling him exactly what you just told us–the truth. You didn’t do anything wrong and any normal person would bring something like this to their partners attention. Be like, “Look, I accidentally saw this. I love you, I trust you, but this has been bothering the hell out of me.” Do yourself a favor and make the following points crystal clear: It was an accident; you didn’t read the emails even though you totally could have, you do trust him, and you know you’re probably being paranoid. Just in case this is like his second cousin or some shit you don’t want to look like a maniac. The best way to handle this is to confront him like a rational adult, be honest, and pray that he’s just like catching up with Sister Mary Clarence from his catholic high school.

The BFF in us says: OMG! This is totally nothing! Home slice friggin’ loves you and would never do anything behind your back. We’re sure he has a perfectly reasonable explanation for these questionable emails and once you get these little concerns off your chest things will go back to co inhabiting bliss…

The Realist us says: Get a nanny-cam. Put a tracker on his car. Count your condom stash. You were right not to snoop, but sometimes you need to follow your instincts. Only you know your boyfriend and what kind of guy he is. You don’t really have to install computer spy ware, just keep your ears and eyes open for red flags. If you trust this guy enough to move in with him you likely trust that he wouldn’t hurt you. Chances are you’re right.

Q: Jersey Girls,
I’m a 20-something female who found herself making eyes at a really cute guy from across the bar the other night. When this hottie finally made his way over, i realized that “he” wasn’t a guy at all, but a really masculine chick. I’d never thought of going down this route but found myself unable to stop chatting and flirting with this girl. By last call we’d been talking for hours and at the end of the night she kissed me and gave me her number. I never mentioned that I’m straight. I liked it, and I’m confused. Up until this point I have done no more than drunkenly kiss a few girls at parties in college, but this one actually held my attention. What now?

A: Girlfriend, you’re so gay that if you were a dinosaur they’d call you a Lickalotopuss! Oh hush, we’re just kidding. It seems as though you’ve stumbled across the elusive lady-boy! Providence certainly does have a good number of these little tricksters running around. They’re like cute guys with better clothes, nicer cheekbones and soft lips. They can be tempting and kind of exciting since it’s different than what you’re used to, but here’s the thing: You either eat pussy or you don’t. Trust us when we tell you that we get it. Girls are beautiful, and soft, and everything every guy asshole that ever hurt you isn’t, but this is not some college experiment for this girl. She’s a Lesbo, and this is her life. It’s all peaches and cream that you find her attractive but lets think about this, shall we?

Picture you’re butchy little spiked haired friend in a dress. Still hot? Now picture peeling her out of this dress and dealing with what she’s got going on under it. To be realistic, most of our girlfriends have experimented with women, us included. Kissing is nice, and boobies are just darling but to like really pursue another women you have to be prepared for the works. We mean, if this would be just a fling and you’re feeling this out than fuck it! See how you like it. As long as she’s not under the illusion that you’re trying to take this to a different level and knows you’re lack of experience with chicks you’re fine. We just remind you that as much as you can close your eyes and pretend that the head between your legs is attached to David Beckham–its not. You we’re intrigued by this lil’ lady because she’s cool, and kept your interest. If you use her as a test to see how far you can take yourself, than you’re no better than the douchefucks that led you to the idea of exploring women in the first place. As you know since you are one, women are sensitive…even if they look like hot boys. If you’re really that interested after you’re last gin and tonic wears off give her a call. What do you have to lose besides your favorite pair of jeans if this chica is the same size as you?

Additionally, after a recent conversation with one of our bestest pseudo-dyke girlfriends it was brought to our attention that some of these lady-boys pride themselves on bagging a straight girl. Feel her out. If she’s laying it on super thick and just seems eager to get into your pants, maybe she’s more like a boy than a lady.

Q: Hey Ladies,
I’ve been seeing this girl for about a month and everything is going pretty well except for the fact that she wants me to hit her during sex. I’m not talking about a love tap – but actually beating the crap out of her/choking her. This really turns me off – and I have no intentions of doing it – what the hell am I supposed to do?

A: You’re supposed to reach back like a pimp and slap a hoe….just kidding. For realz, it sounds like this biotch is barking up the wrong tree and you need to set things straight. First you need to be clear with her – tell her that hitting/ choking her makes you really uncomfortable (sexual or not) – and don’t have it in you to put your hands on a woman, even if she asks nicely. Let her know that if this act is that important to her, or something that she need to get her rocks off  – that maybe you two shouldn’t be together. While It might sound kinda like a threat (and we suppose it is) – it’s the goddamn truth.

When you’re saying all this make sure to let her know that this kink of hers isn’t “bad” – just not your cup of tea. Please believe we know a good handful of chicks that don’t mind getting thrown around a bit and requesting a little force is not that uncommon. Make clear that your intent here is not bring her down for being open and honest with you about her sexual fantasies and that if anything you commend her for it. Let her know that you’d never ask her to do anything she didn’t want to and hope that you two can find other ways to make each other squeal.

Oooooor you can have a little fun with this. How well did you’re parents teach you never to hit a girl? Maybe this is a terrible thing to say, but a chick who’s into getting black eyes during sex is likely down for more than the standards. Ever secretly want to…say… cum in a girls face, poop on a chest, teabag her, give her a Hot Carl, a Birmingham booty call, an alligater fuckhouse, or an angry pirate? What? That’s weird. Anyway, if you think you could give it a try, this chick would probably be down for some pretty ill shit. Just sayin.

As always, send in your issues, all anonymous of course…if you can’t trust a Jersey Girl who can you trust?