This week’s Ask The Jersey Girls: Furtive masturbation, intrusive pets and walks of shame.
Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I awoke this morning to find my boyfriend, who I’d had sex with mere hours prior, jerking off in bed next to me while I thought he was still sleeping. Why? It had been literally 5 hours since we’d last had sex and he knew I was likely going to have sex with him again in the next 24 hours if not right when we woke up. Am I not enough? Why did he feel the need to do this right next to me? He couldn’t use the bathroom? We’re an extremely sexually active couple, what gives?
A: Oh. My. God. You made your boyfriend wait a whole 5 hours to have sex? You are a terrible girlfriend!
Relax, lady. You said it yourself that you have an “extremely sexually active” relationship, so should it really come as a surprise to you that he was whacking it in the morn? You should be thankful he ain’t trying to poke you in the butt with his morning wood that early anyways. If you’re so sure that he knew you were going to give it up soon anyway and he was that horny maybe he was trying to clean his pipes. It’s never good to be trigger happy with a loaded gun, maybe he was just making sure he was going to be able to last for you when you finally got up. Maybe this is all about you, and he’s actually doing you a favor – what an ego boost that must be!
To answer your question – yes you are enough, no he shouldn’t have to jerk in the bathroom just because you say so, and calm down missy, it’s just a hand job. I mean, it wasn’t like he had kiddie porn in the other hand, right? If you really feel left out, fucking roll over and get to work! It’s not like he’d be disappointed you woke up and wanted to bone or finish the job for him. Same goes for pretending to sleep some more. It’s all good.
Also, not like we’ve ever masturbated quietly while someone slept beside us or anything…(cough, cough)…but there’s definitely something to be said for the thrill of getting caught. It’s kind of hot to think that any moment your significant other can roll over and catch you white handed. Give the guy a break, be thankful you’re catching the extra zzzs, and know that this is way more common that you think.
Q: Ladies,
I messed up. I got super drunk, VERY publicly made-out with and then went home with a well-known neighborhood townie drunk. He’s a nice guy, but the whole thing is blurry and regrettable. Now he tries to drunkenly chat me up every time I see him, I’m not at all interested, and my friends will not let me live this down. Any suggestions for damage control?
A: No offense, darling but you better man the fuck up. You’ve made (or messed…) your bed, now you gotta lie in it. Please believe you’d be busting your friends’ balls if this situation were reversed so just roll with the punches till one of those hoes does something dumber and drunker for you guys to make fun of. Tips for damage control? Don’t get so drunk next time, dummy.
Now, the important part: how’d you leave it with Drunky McGoo? We’ll assume that this was a one time, no exchanging of numbers, foggy, not-really-sure-what-happened kind of hook up. Silly, silly girl. If this guy is really that hammered all the time just worm your way out sight. How hard can it be to dodge a drunkard in a crowded bar? If he does corner you, and you think he miiiiight be sober enough to comprehend the truth than just be honest. Make a joke of it, “Hey! Remember that time we got entirely too shitfaced and went home together? Me neither! Ha! Aaaaawkward!”
Trust us, the well-known neighborhood drunk has definitely woken up pants-less and confused a time or 20 before you came along. If you’re that uncomfortable you can switch up your bar routine, but we really don’t think you need to do all that. Look, we’ve all gotten drunk and done stupid shit. It’s like, part of being in your 20’s. [Uh, yeah. our 20’s.-ED.] We’ve mentioned before that we never met an alley, loft hallway, same sex bathroom at POP, dance floor, or back staircase we didn’t like as a make-out venue. Like most other bits of drama in you life, this too shall pass. In the meantime (finger pointing), hahahhaha!
Q: S&M,
I recently started seeing this dude with a dog. While I love that the pup is around so much, there some places he shouldn’t be – like the bedroom. The other night I was giving my guy head and when I came up for air – the canine was panting over me! He just kind of laughs it off…but I can’t deal. How do I approach this with him without him laughing in my face?
A: We feel you, sister. You can’t help but feel like Fido is judging you, sitting there all perky eared, head cocked to the side, thinking, “Degenerate humans, can’t even go down on yourselves like I can. Suckers”. Anyone who has ever hooked up with someone with a dog has encountered some similarly awkward situation, and needless to say – things could get weird from here. Feet have never been either of our things, but there’s nothing grosser than your toes getting a tounge bath from a furry creature when you’re trying to focus and getting your rocks off. You need to handle this. Homeboy might not sense you’re that uncomfortable, or really just sees this as a big joke. You need to put your man and his best friend in their places. And by in their places we mean boy in bed and dog in the next room. Tell him the real deal.
If he’s ever called the dog his baby or child you have a good platform for your argument. If he thinks you’re overreacting be like, “So Cujo is your ‘baby’, huh? Would you still be DTF if there were actual children in the room, because that’s what it feels like for me”. If he really wants you to jam out with your clam out – you need to feel your best – without mans best friend watching, judging, and drooling from a bedroom corner. Talk it out with him – let him how you feel. Once he realizes how much more reserved you are with someone else in the room, he’ll change his tune—and quick.