Ask The Jersey Girls

Q: Hello Ladies,

This guy I had a fling with last year recently sent me a text message asking if I’d have a threesome with him and his new girlfriend. Bad idea……right?

A: Meh, not necessarily.

Here’s what S&M think: Threesomes are USUALLY a bad idea when one or more of the following pertain to you:

-You’re in love with one or both of the other people involved in the threesome.

– You’ve dated one of the other participants in the threesome.

– There are recording devices present or someone yells, “action”.

– You would ever be interested in having a serious relationship with either of these two sluts.

– You have to deal with these people on a daily basis or care at all if this gets awkward or weird…because it could.

There were 3 in the bed and the little one said “HARDER”? Is that how it goes? If you’re kind of feeling the idea of having a threesome, then congratulations, you may have hit the jackpot of threesome opportunities. We mean, you’ve already hooked up with this guy so you’re comfortable with him sexually. You don’t really know/have to deal with this girlfriend of his, so that’s a relief in the drama department. You’re not emotionally attached to either of these hornballs, and if for some reason things go horribly awry well, we always say…not your boyfriend, not your problem. Soooo…no strings attached sex with some dude you’re attracted to and his hot ass girlfriend? SWEET.

Q: Jersey Girls,

My girlfriend has asked me to go down on her when it’s that “special monthly time“. Quite frankly, I’m pretty horrified at the idea. How do I let tell her gently? Everything else is awesome…

A: Wow, let’s first start off by applauding your girlfriend for having the gigantic balls that she does. Not a lot of chicks would just flat out ask for head on the rag, go girlfriend! Now lets talk about your options. You can tell her the truth about how you’re just not into it, don’t plan on being into it– and ain’t gonna do it….OR, you can bite the bullet, try something new, and earn your red wings….

Believe it or not, there IS a way to do this that wont leave your face and sheets looking like a crime scene. Get your girl into the hottest shower she can physically bare and scrub that ballsy bitch inside and out. The second she gets out of the shower she should put a fresh tampon in. If her period isn’t super light you two freaks should get this party started soon. As long as this isn’t like the second day of Aunt Flo’s visit you shouldn’t have to worry about getting blood on your face, you big disgrace! Do something you should be doing anyway: FOCUS ON HER CLIT!! You don’t have to go anywhere near the actual entrance to her vag, and truth be told, everything is going to be super sensitive for her down there so the tease on her clit alone will likely be enough to blow her fucking mind. If you’re feeling kinda crazy you can use your thumb and just apply pressure to her vagina to help her along but just know you might come into contact with her tampon (DO NOT push it in to hard/far, getting a jammed tampon out is a real bitch. Ask our old friend who accidentally had sex with a guy nicknamed “corn cobb” while she still had one in. That was a loooong day). We say give it a try! If it’s terrible, not only do you never have to do it again; but, you can shut her up by saying you at least tried.

Then again, upon asking a good guy friend of ours his opinion on the topic he responded, “Um, would you two go down on me after I spent 4 hours at the gym?”. Now that we think about it like that, we’re all set…

Q: I just moved in with a new roommate. She’s a girl that I’m friendly with, and don’t hang out with all time but we generally get along great. Problem is, she’s constantly flirting with my boyfriend. She’s always hanging around in the living room when we’re staying in watching movies, chatting him up and I feel like she always wears the shortest shorts on earth. It’ making me nuts. What do I do?

A: Look, we’ve all seen Single White Female. You need to talk to this home wrecker before she starts throwing puppies out the window and stabbing your man in the head with your Manolo Blanhnik knock-offs. Sit this ho down and set things straight. Explain to her that A. While you understand that the living room is both of yours, the same does not go for your boyfriend. Tell her she’s more than welcome to join you two, as long as she sits on the other couch (or, um, at least the other side). Remind her that B. He’s not interested, no matter “how nice” he’s being. and C. To (please) put some pants on when homeboy rolls through.

While it might not seem likely, she could not even know that she’s doing it. You have to live with this girl, so you don’t exactly need to tear her a new one just yet, especially if your man seems oblivious. Get stern if he seems responsive, but at that point they both deserve a swift kick. Bottom line is that if your boyfriend is dumb enough to flirt back or make a play for your roommate, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend anymore. If your roommate is just acting like a slambag, then maybe it’s about time to let her know.

Got issues? Ask The Jersey Girls.