The Jersey Girl’s Guide To Online Stalking


Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I met a girl last night through a friend and after I got home I sorta drunkenly found her on Myspace. I didn’t add her or send a message, thankfully*, but I was wondering, what amount of Face/Space stalking is acceptable and when has it crossed over into the inappropriate and creepy?
*By thankfully I mean she wasn’t 16 but a refreshing 31.

A: We’re not too proud to admit that this is a topic we’re relatively well versed in.

Here’s the beauty of Facebook and Myspace: Unless you’re dumb enough to download one of those stupid trackers, your victims don’t know when and how often you actually gaze longingly at that picture of them from their cousins wedding last summer. [ed.- Get out of my head!] The stalking itself is not too creepy given that you’re not stopping by to read comments every day, and we give you permission to check out the highest ranked member of the opposite sex in the stalkee’s top friends but only to gauge if you think they are dating/sleeping together.

Here are the rules of Internet stalking according to your favorite Jersey broads. Checking out a profile is not creepy at all and at this day and age, basically expected. They are posted to be read! (unless they’re set to private, obvs.) Read away! But making contact can be a tad tricky. We say if you meet this chick more than once you can “friend her” or whatever. This is not so you can message her, in fact, don’t make a peep. No comments, picture comments, emails, winks, pokes, NOTHING. This “friendship” is only to further your stalking options. If she’s a real Myspace whore she’ll make posts and shit: “Who’s going to the bar tonight…” or something might help you figure out where you might get to bump into her again. Stalk-tastic! One last thing worth mentioning, if you do get drunk/weak/bold enough to send a message or request virtual friendship, make it as soon after you actually met face to face as possible to do so. The last thing you want is for this chick to think you’ve been sweating her nuts, hovering your mouse over “send” for a week like a tool. Your best bet would be to ask this mutual friend of yours for some dirt on her before making a move. What’s the worst that could happen, she doesn’t accept your “friend request”? Meh, next…

Q: So this week we got 2 questions that yield pretty much the same answer. Read them both below and we’ll answer them together…

1) My new guy came over last night, and when he kissed me, his breath was so horrendous that I wanted to puke.  He’s a great guy, but wow did I not want his mouth anywhere near mine.  I handled the situation by turning my neck to him and letting him play with my tits, but how can I address this so it’s not an issue in the future?  I didn’t exactly have a chance to slip him a breath mint or anything like that.

2) A guy friend of mine wears really bad cologne.  I don’t know if it’s cheap cologne, or if it’s just plain gross, but I can’t bear to be near him because it’s so stinky.  Now I know for a fact that I’m not the only person who hates his smell, since another friend of mine has commented on it, but he’s sweet so I don’t want to hurt his feelings.  How do I deal with this?

A:  Jesus H. Christ there are so many smelly fuckers in this town! It’s like kids move here, magically grow a pair of neon green sunglasses and become allergic to showers and toothbrushes. You can absolutely say something in both of these cases.

In terms of puke breath here’s how you handle this– Step 1: Be coy. Try slipping him the old “want a piece of gum/mint/anything other than what died in your mouth.” If he doesn’t seem to get the hint with this – or gives you some lame excuse about mints hurting his teeth, the conversation might need to get a little more real. For what its worth, we really hope he follows along with the gum thing – cause being this honest can kinda suck. The best thing would be to make a joke out of it. We can’t really think of an example per se – but, wearing a low cut shirt (or that cute new summer skirt you bought!) and laughing it off while telling him; might just do the trick. Like we said, this isn’t easy – so choose your worlds wisely, especially since you don’t want to hurt his feelings. Keep in mind that this will just benefit BOTH of you in the end. Same applies to homeboy with the formidable scent. He needs to know that 60% of the time it’s not working all of the time. [ed.-What?] He will thank you in the long run, trust. Reference Anchorman if you must (like we just did), if he has any sense of humor he’ll appreciate the tip. Some boys just don’t know better. If he’s a real pussy and you think he’ll feel embarrassed or something, wait it out til his next birthday and get him a scent more to your liking.

Q: I’ve been seeing a new guy for a couple of months. He broke up with his ex-girlfriend about 3 months before we started seeing each other, however they were still sleeping together “casually” after the break up. He pretty much cut that off because I came into the picture. Things with he and I are going great, but I’m having a serious problem with the fact that they’re still close. They hang out pretty regularly and he even chitchats and texts with her when we are together. It’s making me nuts. Is it wrong to be mad? Is it a bad idea to speak up?

A: Believe it or not this one if tougher than it sounds.  According to section 2, article 25a of the ex-girlfriend handbook and nearly all of our general advice, we’d normally encourage you to “speak up, be honest, blab bla bla”. We’re not so sure in this case. Why would we you give stupid advice like keeping your trap shut, you ask? Well, put yourself in that same exact situation and see how you feel. What if you had a strictly platonic relationship with an ex boyfriend who you still consider a good friend….and your jealous boyfriend didn’t like that you hung out. How would you feel? Like your guy doesn’t trust you? Doesn’t feel so good, does it? Wouldn’t it piss you off to know that your boyfriend was jealous of someone he shouldn’t be jealous of? Yeah, you could understand why he feels that way  – but at the same time – you don’t understand why your word isn’t good enough…

Or worse: your platonic ex-bf/close buddy says he can’t hang b/c his “bitch of a new girlfriend” (which is surely what you’ll be calling her) doesn’t like that you two are still friends. Please BELIEVE you’d want that girls head on a stick, I know we would. If these two are all chit-chatty and close he’ll probably vent to her about how you’re pissed at him and she’ll be given the opportunity to throw you under the bus and make you look all crazy. You want this girl to like you. You NEED this girl to like you. It sounds silly, we know, but she’s likely already looking for things wrong with you and you don’t need to give her any ammo.

All that applies to the general, “it’s been a while since they’ve dated” ex bf/gf situation. Given that your new boytoy was slam bagging this slam bag when you two started seeing each other, it’s a little more understandable why you feel uncomfortable/ threatened/ weirded out/ whatever over this whole thing. Don’t come at him hard, but it’s not cute that he’s bs-ing with her on your time and you have every right to say something. Don’t get all, “I don’t like you two hanging out together” and don’t even dream of starting any statement with, “you’re not allowed…” but you can certainly mention that the texting and chit-chatting would be more appropriate for time spent apart from one another. [ed.- how bout; “it’s rude to text your ex in my presence, grow the f up?”] You can even sneak in some jabs about your distaste for their many hours together, but keep that vague. Try starting sweetly with, “C’mon baby, tell your ‘buddy’ she’s on my time” followed by, “it’s bad enough you guys have commenced a bro-mance in place of your romance, but c’mon, I want you all to myself”. Give him a chance to do it right before you start threatening to throw blows or anything like that. Put basically; say a little something without saying too much. He’s with you, not her. He stopped sleeping with her FOR YOU. Take it as a good sign he’s still amicable with his former girlfriend. It means he might not be a complete dick, which is awesome.

2 thoughts on “The Jersey Girl’s Guide To Online Stalking”

  1. too bad the required pre-makeout exchanging-of-gum a la Wet Hot American Summer doesn’t happen too much in the real world. Although, if you follow Abby Bernstein’s lead and offer to take your shirt off shortly after the gum exchange has taken place, i’m sure he’d forget any gum in his mouth in the first place. Then you, and your boobs, can both breathe freely.

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