The Jersey Girls Present: When Children Are Allowed To Date


So we’re going to do things a little differently this week. We received this anonymous horror story of a letter and felt compelled to not only share it with you, our loyal readers, but also devote an entire column to it. Behold possibly the worst dates ever…

Dear Jersey Girls,
Until recently, I was a virgin to dating. After being in a relationship for 4 years, I forgot all about the golden rules of dating. So when this guy whom I’ve never met before asked me out, I figured how bad can this really be. We met through an online dating site and coincidentally he happened to live next door to me.

After a few elongated yet amusing text message exchanges we decide to meet. As a general rule for a first date, you should always abstain from any food consumptions all together. What if he’s horrific? Do you tell him you need to leave because your best friend’s poodle died before or after the seaweed salad?

It is 7.30pm on a Friday night. It is raining. He decides to drive to my house even though it’s a block away. I speculate it is for the reason that he is frightened to get his hair wet. I slowly emerge from my house. Expecting to see my Prince Charming on a chariot, to my revulsion I am confronted by Carrot Top’s younger brother. CT suggests that we take my car due to malfunctions that moisture causes to his vehicle (even though he drove a block to my house). At that point I wanted to turn around and go back to my house. If only he was to high five me and yelp out Booyah, I would have gladly turned around without hesitation. But I felt bad. Sadly, I obliged to driving. As CT situates himself in my car, all 6 feet of him, he suggests we grab a bite to eat, even though I specifically proclaimed that I have evening plans at 9pm. As we drive he advocates that he hasn’t eaten all day (as if the starving children in Africa must be grateful to his food conservation) and that we grab a burger at Johnny Rockets?! My head surely starts spinning. What am I, 12? Am I seriously meeting this guy for fries and a milkshake? Maybe, if I’m lucky he will let me borrow a coin to throw into a jukebox. Oh, and I don’t eat meat.

Judging by his outfit and demeanor, he’s dressed for…well…Johnny Rockets. To his dismay, I categorically refuse. Luckily, there were two open seats at the bar at Shanghai, a highly coveted Providence hotspot. As I plump myself into the comfy bar chair, I immediately order an extra dry martini. God bless the bartender who generously poured me the strongest most strapping cocktail I’ve ever had! She must have understood what was going on. When she asked my date what he wanted to drink, CT replied: “water”. He then turns to me and said: “You know, all my friends tell me that I don’t need to drink in order to act drunk”. At that moment my head starts spinning again. Why am I going through this torture? I felt like there was a little man inside my head, poking me with a million tiny needles. Am I being punished? Have I been really that bad? I’m sorry mom for not coming over last Saturday! I’m sorry grandma for not visiting you often enough! As I’m having these Gemini induced conversations with myself inside my head, CT begins to ramble.

For the next 45 min I make my best attempt to converse, but the little man with his needles inside my head decides he’s had enough. It is time to wrap up the party. Gladly I oblige. As the bartender wraps up my Tofu Lettuce Leafs appetizer (an outstanding value of $6.99!) and his Pad Thai, I decline taking my leftovers. CT however does not have a problem with not driving, not drinking and not not taking the leftovers home. Not only does he take his leftovers home, but seemingly he does not have a problem with taking my leftovers home!?!?!?!?! The little man inside my head started kicking and screaming. Vigorously. The needles have amplified both in size and pressure. Alas it is time for the bill! It comes to a whooping $25! Seeing how I have already broken all the first date rules, I offer him money. Very eagerly, he retorts with “Sure! My x-girlfriend of 1.5years would never let me pay for her. She always felt insulted when I tried!!!”

There comes a moment in a girl’s life when she is so mortified she wishes she was invisible. All I wanted was to crawl up into a little ball, wedge myself beneath the bar and die. Quickly. Or stab him with a chopstick. Whichever was more efficient. However being bigger and better than that I overcame my gnawing urge and handed my credit card to the bartender. Short of $12.50 and a whole lot of dignity, I take him back to his car which is still parked by my house. I give him a half shoulder tap and say goodbye. He wants a hug. Finally I put my foot down and say no.

My question for you, Jersey Girls, is that this douchebag keeps text messaging me even after I told him I wasn’t interested! Are some guys out there such imbeciles that they don’t get the social cues? How do I get him out of my hair? Help! I’m being stalked by a creep!!!

– Stalked on the East Side

A: Don’t you just hate people with no tact? They are completely unaware that they are putting off the person they’re talking too – and just keep digging themselves this deep dark hole of arrogance and stupidity. These people (not just dudes) – have no idea they’re doing it – but that also doesn’t mean it excuses their actions. To answer your question, yes, there are men out there that are so socially awkward that even, “Thanks, but no thanks” isn’t a clear enough indicator to move on.

If CT wasn’t such a D bag we’d normally tell you to let him down easy and bow out gracefully – but unfortunately that’s not really an option here. It seems as though this guy is gonna need some tough love. . If simply not answering his texts and calls isn’t helping your cause, and the generally fail safe, “sorry, I have a boyfriend now” line (or lie…) won’t cut it you’re going to have to bust out the big guns. Sometimes you have to be brash or mean to get your point across. Try responding with, “DEAR CARROT TOP JR., I’M NOT INTERESTED.”

Ok, even we admit that’s a little harsh, but how about, “I’m not trying to sound like a bitch, but please leave me alone”. We think that pretty much sums it up. If you’re forced to run into him now and then, seeing as he lives like a block away…you might just have to go the “full out snub” route and ignore his presence. We know it sounds mean, but this is like a last resort situation, you’re trying to make a point. Just remember for next time that as every wise man ever, or Confucius or somebody (and we have) said, don’t shit where you eat. Just as a tip, and we speak from experience (cough, cough) dating and/or sleeping with your neighbors while seeming momentarily convenient is generally not the smartest idea. So if you don’t know, now you know…

We have to give you credit, this debacle is up in the ranks of the worst dates hall of fame. We can’t seem can’t recall the last time a “real date” came our way – But most of them to seem to begin and end at E&O as Johnny Tabs took the time to thoughtfully point out earlier this week. What? If we don’t go on real dates, they can’t suck, right? You might only be trumped by our girlfriend who went on an equally shiteous date but was forced into a pity kiss at the end. Imagine that?! Worst part: she said his tongue tasted like balloons. Gross. Yeah, I think we’d take carrots over balloons, but welcome to 2nd place. Readers, think you got something worse? Make us feel better, comment away…

10 thoughts on “The Jersey Girls Present: When Children Are Allowed To Date”

  1. Stalked on the East Side

    And what if she did tell him right away that she wasn’t interested, to which he responded in a rather douchie way “Um.. that’s ok…I didn’t feel the connection either.. I was just commenting on the weather when I texted you. We can just be friends.!!!!!!!!!!!!#%*@^()*$

    Seriously, all you guys out there, who are not chicken shit to take rejection, do you really want to be “friends” with a girl after 1 freakin’ terrrible blind date?! Give me a fucking break! I have enough friends and enough guts to say no. Why can’t he? Am I really misleading him??? Why would I do that? Whats in it for me??? And the fact that you think I’m full of myself and need to get over myself, well that’s just plain douchie too. First off, I wrote this column not to vent, but rather to humor people. I wanted to bring to the surface that guys like that are out there, so beware all you ladies!

    No girl I know would feel different about the date that FIRST OF ALL WANTS TO GO TO JOHHNY ROCKETS ON A FIRST DATE, then superimposes his company for longer then a drink WHICH HE DIDN”T EVEN HAVE! ( I specifically said no to dinner earlier), then asks if you can drive, then has YOUR leftovers wraped, THEN IN THAT ORDER allows you to pay for half of it! ($12.50), and then keeps contacting you after she says no. In fact just yesterday at 11pm I got a text message from him informing me that he has AC ! It’s been 3 god damn weeks!!!!! How long does it really take for him to get it?!?!?!

    If all you fine males out there still find me in the wrong, perhaps you deserve to go out with an equallly shitty female version of Carrot Top. Let me know how that date works out for you.

  2. i agree. i don’t see what was so bad about this date. yes, they didn’t click. yes, he was mildly obnoxious. yes, he was unattractive to the girl. he also wasn’t Satan or anything. just ignore his texts & move on. iwholeheartedly agree w/ magdaf*ckingline before me. get over yourself.

  3. Mag is spot on

    Funny – same reaction here.

    This letter highlights the whole ‘perspective’ thing. If he were better looking, she might have been charmed by his quirkiness – treating her equally (by giving her the option to pay part of her way) and by being down-to-earth (by not dressing up in a lame attempt to impress).

    And as for the ‘stalking’ thing – maybe he just doesn’t know she’s not into him.

    I’ve had plenty of women not respond for awhile – after a first date. Maybe they are busy. Or dating someone else a bit. Who knows. But a number of times, they’ve come around – we’ve gone out on a second date – and then wound up in a real relationship.

    It sounds like the author of the letter needs to toughen up – and open up a bit.

    If you don’t like the guy – no big deal. But don’t make it about him. It’s you that is making yourself feel bad!

  4. Aside from him being (apparently)unattractive, saying he had car trouble (a block is huge diff. from actually going somewhere), and accepting the girl’s offer to pay- I don’t see what was so bad about this date? Just seems like there was no chemistry. Sounds like she was disappointed by his looks and used it as an excuse to complain about everything else. Unfortunately for my gender I just feel bad for that guy. Just because you have a vagina doesn’t mean it should be treated like it’s made of gold.

  5. As a gay guy, I’ve slept with plenty of neighbors and never really had a problem. Is it just straight people that feel weird about it?

  6. Amen on not porking neighbors. Can get weird fast when the girl you were with a few months prior calls you at 6am so the girl you are currently sleeping with will move her damn car and stop blocking her in. Awkward.

    And WTF balloons.

  7. or, um… get over it? have a sense of humor? don’t seem so newsworthy to me — most def not in the “worst dates hall of fame.”

  8. I once saw Carrot Top at the mall, and a hostess from Pizzeria Uno ran up and hugged him, and he was on his cell phone and DID NOT GET OFF HIS PHONE OR ACKNOWLEDGE THAT ANYONE WAS HUGGING HIM AS THOUGH THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO HIM ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. It was nuts, and made me sort of fearful that some women really are attracted to him.

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