Jersey Girls Like ‘Em Hairy, Tattooed, And Reeking Of Bourbon


Q: Since my girlfriend has moved in, she’s been cutting the frequency of sex down. Recently, she’s not even returning my kisses and she pushes me away when I try to give her oral (which she says I’m -fantastic- at). I can deal with a ‘bad week’ here and there, but I’m not a ‘once a week’ kind of guy. I can tell she wants to want me, like when she drags me to the bedroom after a good night, but then once she’s there, she denies me. I’ve tried everything; my last gift of ‘flowers for no reason’ got me a hug and a “you’re so sweet!” Should I be suspicious? Should I cut her loose so she can try being happy with someone else? Can I call her best friend for a hint? The last two times this happened to me, the girl turned out to be cheating and felt guilty, so I’m naturally very worried.

-Sexless in the City (we normally don’t keep funny signatures like this one but how cute!) [Ed. Fucking puke…]

A: The sirens are blaring at you, man! If GF ain’t giving it up so easy these days – something is definitely irking its way up shits creek. OK, clearly you know something’s up (I mean, that’s why you asked us, Duh!), and you’ve obviously made at least some minimal effort to remedy your little problem (i.e. flowers). It’s clear to us that you actually seem to give a shit and that you’re not just trying to get some poontang – and with that, its time to figure out up what’s up. Even though we appreciated your thoughtful and well-written question, sir – answers to situations like this aren’t so black and white. Let’s dish…

Keeping your eyes peeled for “red flags” might help out a bit. Do you really suspect that she’s cheating? Is she home less than usual? Are you doing a lot of stuff without each other? Is work for her running later and later? Is her phone blowing up? You said you’ve been dealt the shitty hand of cheating betches before, so you have to have some kind of clue of what to look for…

How’s communication these days? Did you try talking to her about it? It’s something that’s clearly affecting you. We mean, you can only jerk of so many times in one day (says who?). We say all the effing time how key communication is. It’s obvious that something’s up so handle this convo with care. Don’t be all, “So, are we like, ever gonna BONE again?”

Go easy on her. We suggest asking her flat out ask if everything’s alright. Tell her you’ve noticed that “certain things” have changed since the big move. You want to know what you can do to help things get back to the way they were, you know, when you two we’re bumping uglies on the regular. If she’s still being weird and things aren’t looking up, then evaluate your options. Sex is an important part of the relationship. It what’s happening between the two of you isn’t meeting your needs then maybe it’s time to hit the pike.

Don’t even bother calling her best friend. If her friend is a friend at all she’s not telling you shit. This is between you and you’re girl. Keep it that way. Also, make sure you’re not looking for reasons not to trust her just because of your past experience with cheaters. We wish you good luck, soldier. Let us know how it goes…

Q: Dearest S & M
Once upon a recent drunken night I went home with a former fuck buddy. Ever since, I’ve been getting booty texts/calls from him – but only at 3 am when I’m sleeping! Don’t get me wrong – I’m totally DTF but I’m not sure what to do. Should I text back the next morning? Should I not say anything at all? Ladies, what’s the proper etiquette for a situation like mine?

A: AHH, to text or not text back…that IS the question! We’re always so worried with how what we respond with is going to be received. It’s hard with al this newfangled technology like text, email, aim, facebook/myspace walls with comments and all that shit. You can’t read things like tone or sarcasm.

It’s really up to you how you want to handle it. If you’re really as DTF as you say, than shit! Text back! As long as it’s clear (we mean, what’s clearer than a 3 am, “bars are out and I’ve had an hour to stumble home” text…just sayin…) what he’s contacting you for, hit him up once you wake. Just be like, “Damn, passed out early again. Gotta catch me when im slightly more sober/coherent. Try me later”, or whatever. You want to let him know you’re not insulted by these late night texts (you’re not insulted, right?…) but rather trying to get your swerve on as well. Also, he’s opened up a window. Don’t be afraid to shoot him a late night invitation if you’re feeling some type of way at 3 a.m. Booty calls should be a two way street, and don’t you forget it! If this guy is comfortable enough with you to be sending textual relations your way –drunk or not– then you should be comfortable with sending a normal response in the morning. Besides, he could be sitting there feeling like a dick-bag b/c he’s hearing crickets when he’s taking a chance and putting out the vibe. Write back for you. Write back for him. Write back for your vagina.

Q: Jersey Girls,
I’ll start by saying I definitely have “a type”. I have a clear pattern in the kind of guys that I’m attracted to and my problem is that it’s starting to limit me. I’m admittedly critical and overly picky but I don’t know what to do! I could see some terrible cds in his collection or like really bad shoes and be totally turned off from the guy. Is it good that I know what I like or will I be single forever if I don’t budge on some of the less important stuff?

A: As the wise Cher Horowitz once said “You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet!” – of course, she was talking about popping her teenage cherry of whatever- but, the same attitude still applies for dudes in all categories. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you like. We both totally have “a type” – and often find ourselves not even being remotely attracted to guys who don’t fit the mold. We mean, there are billions of people in this world and we just don’t see ourselves settling just for the sake of dating someone. Now, being a tad less rigid about the criticism you place on potential suitors is another story – and for that we say – lighten up.

We’ve made thousands of references to the “bearded/tattooed/long haired whiskey drinkers” to always holler our way. But while an ideal can be helpful, it’s important to keep an open mind. We can both honestly say that some of the best sex we’ve ever had has been with dudes that that weren’t physically our “usual” types at all – and then there have been total dreamboats who completely sucked in the sack. Sex can be a crapshoot, and just because you have good chemistry in other departments or think someone is hot shit doesn’t guarantee that the sex will be good. So if your first few rounds at finding your perfect specimen leave you scratching your head, maybe it’s time to broaden your horizons. Things like metallic shirts, bad shoes, pot breath, or liking Dane Cook can be fixed with time and don’t really reflect on a guy’s character. Let the little shit slide, we’re sure you have a few quirks that not every guy would fancy…like your nail biting, or your addiction to that mind-numbing Tila Tequila reality show, or the fact that you’re totally over-dressed at every crappy neighborhood bar and that it takes you two hours to get that way (But all that’s totally endearing, right? Not like we do any of that stuff…) Look, knowing what you like is a good thing, but unless you’re like…we don’t know…Angelina fucking Jolie than let’s keep the knit picking to a minimum if you can, ok?

As always, send your ish to the Girlz. Totes anonymous, of course…

3 thoughts on “Jersey Girls Like ‘Em Hairy, Tattooed, And Reeking Of Bourbon”

  1. pot breath is the worst..especially when the other person doesn’t smoke and they just think you have randomly nasty breath. Atleast if the other person is high they know making out is going to feel like you’re sucking face with a mummy’s asshole.

    In regards to not being attracted to a dude- well you know how there’s the theory that fat chicks give great head because they’re desperate to please? Reverse it.

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