Totally Hot Publisher Needed ASAP

Awww, shit, you gotta be kidding me? How come I didn’t get a memo on this one? Oh, right, because my office is my bedroom and my secretary is my cat. Darn.

Apparently, would-be writers, the trick is not to solicit publishers one-by-one hoping to find one for whom your novel/screenplay/poetry/suckpileofhumanexcrement is a perfect fit. No, no, no, that is –so– 2007. Why waste your name with that? Just place an ad on Craigslist like Gina did:

The headline reads “Writer seeking Publisher“…

The text continues, “Children’s stories, poetic & non poetic Teaching tools pre-k through 12th and beyond, poetry, lyric, how to, natural health and youthfulness, even recipies. Also have several action/adventure/sci-fi/futuristic type scripts in progress- deep, innovative, even shocking, very realistic. Have begun writing for Theater-music, lyrics, dance, and story line. Fresh, Energetic, Inspiring! Many completed manuscripts. Many more in progress. A wellspring of energy and idea to inspire all that is good. Can also illustrate, as well as having an Illustrator of exceptional talent presently working on several projects with me. Ready to speak with a Publisher. Please no solitsitations!

Location: Providence
Compensation: under Contract only, at least 3-5 years – initial sign on”

Here you go, Publishers, a Jill of all trades, who writes “shocking” SF/F Action Adventures, children’s stories, and “recipies” that are: “Fresh” (read: Bad) “Energetic” (read: Poorly Punctuated), and “Inspiring!” (read: You’ll curse the time you spent reading.) Oh, and don’t even bother to email Gina unless you’re offering cash upfront and a 3 year contract, since, you know, that’s realistic. Good luck!

Now, I’m sure Gina will have a lot of success with this ad, double typos aside. (Two misspellings. Can you find ’em?) Naturally, publishers are trolling Craigslist daily. No, really, I’m not being facetious. Craigslist is hot shit, and I’d bet there are plenty of editors, editors assistants, and interns who scroll through the listings several times again. But, Gina, come on, get with the program, posting under Writing Jobs? Where you should have posted is under Missed Connections! Seriously.

Check out my ad:

The headline: “Totally Hot Publisher from Lunch or Maybe Dinner

The text: “I was so distracted by your physical presence that I couldn’t work up the nerve to talk to you! You: Totally hot publisher with the power to buy my novel about the circus. I saw you on the subway, or was it in traffic at a red light, or maybe you were riding your bike as I walked by, like I could possibly be expected to remember something as mundane as where I saw your brilliant and intelligent face. I think you were wearing sunglasses, but that might have been the way the light glinted off your beard. No, wait, you had a pashmina, or something really incredibly stylish. I can’t decide if I was more impressed by your sexy body, your great smile, or the way you promised me excellent royalties on international sales. You should definitely email me. We can meet up for coffee and I’ll be ready to sign the contracts immediately. Remember, my book is a romantic but western-like, sci-fi children’s adventure that takes place in 1970. Very mainstream, very big seller, I can tell.”

Now, you tell me: who’s going to have the Inbox full of replies tomorrow morning? Flattery will get your everywhere. EVERYwhere.

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