The MTV Awards are tonight, and I might watch them while I do my laundry, although they’re usually kinda boring and I don’t usually like any of the bands that play it. And giving out awards to videos seems kind of silly, when MTV devotes 4% of its programming to videos these days.
But anyway. I like a good video, even if I have to go to the internet to watch it in poor quality on silly Youtube. Most of this year’s nominees are totally lame and ridiculous, but I thought I’d present them all to you anyway:
Who should win: Chris Brown.
I like how visually dark the dancy parts are. And despite the goofy Wrigley’s product placement I like the song. Actually, I like all five of the songs, but the Danity Kane and Pussycat Dolls videos are lackluster and the Madonna one could have been much, much better. Ne-Yo’s dancing is pretty good, though, and “Closer” is a great song to be playing when your alarm clock goes off in the morning, but I think Brown should get this one.
Who should have been nominated: Yelle. Of course.
Who should win: TI.
Solo males in the pop world are now exclusively either rappers or soulful heartthrobs, and their videos should be accordingly gratuitous, but most of these videos outright suck. Chris Brown’s Beyonce knockoff is okay enough when he’s on the street at the beginning, but then the pointless flashing light effects kill the mood quickly. The Usher video’s really boring, particularly for a song about making love in the club. “Lollipop” is every annoying hip-hop stereotype rolled into one long and unfunny joke, and Flo Rida, despite his hunky beard, totally wasted the opportunity to mix his video with clips from Step Up 2 The Streets. I like the TI video because it’s simple by MTV standards and doesn’t take place in a club.
Who should have been nominated: Malcolm Middleton. Because nobody deserves an award more than a puking Santa.
Who should win: Rihanna.
Jordin Sparks’ only redeeming quality is that Chris Brown sings half of this song, which to me makes it not a “female video.” Katy Perry needs to go away, and her video is stupid, too, especially when you remember what girl-kissing meant in the nineties. Mariah and Britney both had entertaining videos, but overall I’d rather just watch Rihanna and her bangs for four minutes, even if Take A Bow might drive me to the nuthouse if I ever have to hear it again.
Who should have been nominated: Bat For Lashes.
Who should win: Linkin Park, I guess.
I can’t believe I just watched a damn Slipknot video. Had it come out in 1994 it might have seemed edgy, but now its dated stupidity can only be beat by Fall Out Boy’s dreadful Michael Jackson cover. Paramore and Linkin Park and the Foo Fighters all went for war themes with their videos, for no good reason. (Seriously, remember when the Foo Fighters weren’t totally boring?) I finally decided on Linkin Park because the video’s so ridiculously over the top, and because frankly there should be more videos that start off with two minutes of the boy singer in his underwear.
Who should have been nominated: The Kills. My favorite video of 2008 so far, I think.
Who should win: Britney Spears.
I’m not sure what it is about Tokio Hotel’s whiny emo Apple commercial that qualifies them for a Best Pop Video category, even if I am willing to accept Panic At The Disco’s dumb song as ‘pop’ rather than ‘rock.’ It was a toss-up between Britney and the Jonas Brothers for me; but I went for “Piece of Me” since ‘pop’ today mostly seems to mean ‘blonde teen girls that all of America will criticize from their eighteenth birthday on every time they gain weight/lose weight/do something for attention/complain about the paparazzi/do anything at all.’ Although I should mention that I totally disapprove of her wardrobe.
Who should win: None of them. But I guess Lupe Fiasco, if I had to pick one.
Mary J Blige’s descent into bad aerobics music is paralleled in the dull, middle-aged video for “Just Fine.” And my dreams of Kanye West pulling an Isadora Duncan was sadly unfulfilled in the scarf-heavy “Homecoming” video. So I guess I’ll pick Fiasco, even though I hate that song and the video, frankly, is nothing to write home about.
BEST NEW ARTIST
Who Should Win: Miley Cyrus.
No, really. Tokio Hotel are horrible. Not offensively horrible like Katy Perry, but horrible nonetheless. And Taylor Swift’s album came out in 2006, although I guess it’s nice for MTV to acknowledge that country still exists. Which leaves boring Jordin Sparks and Miley Cyrus who, despite being a Disney child star and probably three months away from becoming the next Lindsay Lohan, actually came out with a good single this year. Oddly, though, it doesn’t seem to have a video.
Who should have been nominated: Oh God, so many people. But how about These New Puritans, who at least can approve a decent video concept?
Who should win: The Jonas Brothers.
In ten years, Britney Spears hasn’t won an award yet, and “Piece of Me” definitely shouldn’t be her first Video of the Year. I like the Ting Tings, I do, but I’m not quite sure why they got nominated (especially since they didn’t get nominated for Best Pop Video or Best New Artist. Also, who knows that song?) Chris Brown’s video is okay, and the Pussycat Dolls’ is, uh, something, but I think the Jonases should get the award. Even if their video concept was already used by Sugar Ray, they’re appealing enough to carry it off.
Who should have been nominated: Any of the other videos I’ve mentioned. Or maybe this one by The Long Blondes, because how cute are those dogs?