To Our Loyal Readers,
After a sweaty, blurry, and overall disgusting summer, we’ve managed to get our shit back together…well at least long enough to solve all of your relationships queries. With one of us on permanent assignment in Jew Jersey and the other enjoying all of the excitement that unemployment and alcoholism have to offer – we kinda fell off the map for sec. But here we are – ready, willing and able. Bring. It. ON!
Q: Dear S&M
My new college roommate bangs her boyfriend in the room we share when she thinks I’m asleep. I’m not prude – but, I don’t need to hear every stupid moan and “Oh, baby” when I’m just trying to get some shut-eye. How do I make it stop?
A: That’s grossly hilarious, mainly because we’ve all been on at least one end of that situation a time or seven. Girl, you need to speak up. Explain to her that this shit IS NOT cool. Nah, not even a little bit. If she’s human, she’ll probably be embarrassed and cool it. You two should develop some kind of room sex etiquette code or something. The age old “scrunchie on the doorknob” seems a bit dated but I’m sure you ivy-league brainiacs can come up with something to let each other know you need a few minutes (these boys are likely 18, so yes, you only need a few minutes) of alone time. If this little nympho roommate of yours still tries to play hide the sausage as you “sleep” 5 feet away, you can get creative. We might start with just sitting up and letting them see your not sleeping. That will kill their moment. You cannot allow yourself to get forced out of your own room, stand your ground. If your being able to blatantly watch them doesn’t deter their behavior we suggest giving them a t aste of their own medicine. If you’re feeling hilarious and ballsy try mockingly moaning along with her. Next time she’s all “Ooohh, BABY!” top her by yelling. “Fuck yeah, Daddy! Just like that!”. Haha, we can picture the humiliation now. If they continue right along with you we might try getting up, turning on the lights, pretending to ignore them just as disrespectfully as they do you, maybe make some ramen, sit in your bed and watch Law & Order. They’ll get the idea. Just try talking to her first, we’re sure you “ladies” can work something out. If not, shit man, this is college! Maybe if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!
I think I have what I’d call an “extended booty call.” I’ve been casually sleeping with the same chick for over a year now. She NEVER initiates it, but she’s ALWAYS into it when I do. The only times its gotten weird is when we’ve seen each other out when I have another girl with me. Even then, she’s been back at my place a week after whatever else fizzles. While I don’t really see us seriously dating, she’s a really cool chick and I’d never want to hurt her. My boys are telling me not to fuck up a good thing. Can she really be as unattached as I am? Can women honestly have sex as casually as men do?
A: “Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you” No she can’t? YES, she can! Homeboy, don’t kid yourself. Just because men can have casual sex, doesn’t mean women can’t. Ever stop to think that maybe it’s YOU that isn’t long term dating material? Look, obviously something about this works or else you wouldn’t have been able to keep this going for as long as you have. Over a year, you say? God bless you kids. Maybe she doesn’t initiate it because she knows you always will. Yo u’re making it easy for her. Plus, if you’re not someone she’s interested in taking it to the next level with, maybe she doesn’t want to give the wrong idea by being the one tracking you down at 2 am when the bars let out. We’re surprised to be saying this, but maybe your boys are right! Don’t fuck up this good thing. She could definitely be as casual as you are about all this.
Now, that being said, we feel the need to remind the readers that by nature, women tend to get more emotionally attached when there’s sex involved. It’s like, part of our make up. Her getting weird seeing you out with other chicks is totally natural. While she’s probably a little put off by it, she’s clearly not crying herself to sleep and holding grudges if she’s letting you holler a week later. This chick seems legit. Once you’ve gone this long without a “Where is this going/what are we?” talk you’re likely in the clear. Congrats on perfecting the art of friends with benefits.
Just one last little thing, there IS a small chance that this broad (or other broads in similar situations) are total weakling, shit for brains, pushovers that are so desperate and dickmatized that they are blinded to the idea that this is a no-strings-attached situation. Don’t be that girl! Ladies, if you find yourself in a situation like this but aren’t quite as casual about the sex as the lady in question you neeeed to speak up. You are a women, not a pin-cushion. Don’t settle for what some guy is willing to half-assed offer you. One of us made the mistake of blinding herself for almost a year with a dude who was a disrespectful dickbag. She wanted to believe there was more there than there actually was, and just ended up feeling gross/used/hung over- in the end. My advice for someone willing to get in your pants at 2 am – but not willing to buy you breakfast the next morning? Cut it off. No, not some Lorena Bobbit shit, but with him. It’s for the best. Trust.
Q: I just came back summer break to find my ex–who I broke up with at the end of the school year–dating my friend. He and I have been talking on and off during the summer, and he never mentioned her. She and I on the other hand, haven’t spoken, and she seems to be ignoring the situation completely. I’m hurt, but I don’t want to seem like a nut for confronting him – but, at the same time – don’t know if it’s necessary. Do I have valid reason to speak up?
A: Confronting HIM? Back up. Lets talk about this slam-bag so-called “friend” of yours. While any man should fucking know that hooking up with friends of your gf (whether she’s your ex or not!) is the ultimate no no, it’s this girl we’d be more pissed at. A scholarly young rapper once said “Hoes are your friends, and hoes are your enemies” – and we couldn’t agree more that this bitty is doing ho-activities. If we were you, this bitch would get cut–Jersey style! But you know what, she’s not worth your time. And neither is he. Truth be told (and we are certainly not making excuses for dudes making shitty decisions) college romances come and go. This is both of their faults. Fuck ’em. To answer your question, yes. You have valid reason to speak up because these two are assholes, obvi. But why bother? Do you care about your former relationship with this dude enough to potentially cause a wave of drama? You DUMPED him, remember? We’ve already decided that this girl is hardly worth getting all worked up over. We say send like 3 dozen pizzas to her dorm room instead –with the word “SLUT” spelled out in anchovies (We’re sure Nice Slice can do something for you) – Or tell everyone she has herpes. That’ll show her. We’re joking. Or are we?
I want to bang my boss. This isn’t some corporate office job, he owns and runs a bar I bartend at twice a week. He’s totally hot, ambitious, funny, and I feel like we have so much in common! He has a new(ish) girlfriend who could probably pass for my less attractive sister, so I know I’m his type. Girlfriend or not, he always does little things for me and makes comments about grabbing a drink after work all the time. This is a really dumb idea, right?
A: Yes. Terrible idea, on more levels than we can conquer in one short answer but we’ll try. First thing’s first, this guy is taken! We’ve said many times before that karma is a raging bitch, so don’t fuck other girls’ boyfriends if you don’t want other girls’ fucking yours. Bottom line. Additionally, as cliché as it sounds if he cheats on her he’ll cheat on you bla bla bla. In general, friends, only mingle with the single or someone ends up hurt.
Now, just for fun, let’s pretend that this less attractive mini-me girlfriend of his is out of the picture. What? Shit20happens. Anyway, banging your boss is always a bad idea as we’ve said before; however, some rules are more forgivably broken then others. You guys obviously click. Spoken for guys aren’t usually (or at least shouldn’t be!) asking to grab drinks with their hot female employees at 1 a.m. if there’s not something there. We know, we know – don’t shit where you eat, but it’s not exactly like you’re work flirting is distracting the two of you from curing AIDS here. This is a bar, it’s a little more laid back. What you need to weigh out is how much you like your job vs. how much you want to bang your boss. IF he finds himself single in the future, AND you’re comfortable with the real possibility that you might fuck up you’re 2-night-a week bartending gig then fuck it. Grab that after work drink with him and see if that’s where it goes. Just don’t pull the wool over your own eyes, you horny little devil. Things could go sour quick.
Q:Dearest Jersey Girls
I’ve been seeing (more like banging on the reg) a guy lately who is a bit young for my taste. I’m starting to conclude that he may not be the most experienced in the sack. Whenever we hang out and things start to get hot and heavy, he starts grinding all over me like a middle school dance so intensely it’s to the point where it’s beginning to hurt. I’ve tried to tell him that the grinding is making me sore, and I’ve also tried to slow things down and change the mood/positions, but somehow I end up having my vag grinded on by his hip all over again. Why won’t he just stick it in? I feel like all he knows is one rhythm, and to be honest, its not very enjoyable… he’s also not exactly huge by any means… and I’m wondering if maybe he’s trying to avoid sex out of embarrassment of his size or lack of experience. Advice?
A: Oh Man! This kid sounds like a big ol’ mess! First off you have a decision to make. You keep going back to have your pussy bruised and beaten (and not in a good way) for one of two reasons: you either actually like this guy, or you’re really bored. If you’re really bored, then it’s time to move on. To quote ourselves, a friend with benefits is only beneficial when its benefiting all parties involves. Whenever there’s a small peen involved a guy has to put in some over time. A good friend of ours who will remain nameless but we’ll call him Shmevin Shmeavitt once described his Irish inadequacy by saying “it won’t go too deep, but it’ll give the sides hell”! Hopefully this guy has at least that going for him. If not and this boney hip turbo hump isn’t doing it for you, it’s time to look elsewhere.
Now, if you actually like this guy, and you genuinely want him to get better you’re going to need to put in some work and take charge. Obviously your coaching thus far has not helped since you’re still walking like you just got off a horse. It’s time to take the reins here. You can start by initiating the whole romp starting from the very beginning. The unemployed half of us caught Oprah the other day and some credible sex/love doctor dude was saying how women initiating sex is like the equivalent of having dudes take out trash and do dishes in the same night. So there’s a start, That should get him going. Next time you two are getting the party started push him towards the bed and climb on top of him. Stay in control the entire time, if he fights you for control then try teasingly biting him, push him back, and/or gently pin his hands above his head. We’d like to think (men, correct us if we’re wrong) that he’s be kinda hot for this new controlling you. Tell him you want to try things your way and that you want him to follow your explicit (hehe) instructions. Then, just guide him through whatever good sex is for you. Women tend to climax easier while on top anyway, so you’re already improved by the change of positions and safe from being pinned between his hip and the mattress. We’re convinced that a lot of people don’t know what good sex is because they haven’t had it. Show him the way.
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