Jersey Girls Ain’t Doctors, They Just Play Them On The Internet

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,
I think my boyfriend has a porn problem. I may have not-so-accidentally stumbled upon his huge stash of DVDs which led me to his computer, which led to me to TONS more porn. It grosses me out that he fantasizes about these gross girls or that he might be thinking about them when he’s having sex with me. How do I make him stop?

A: Fo’ serious? Stop a man from looking at porn? Um, how do we say this delicately? Wait, we don’t have to–Fat chance. Never going to happen. You gonna tell us we’re not allowed to watch it either now, Nazi? Porn is not gross, it’s awesome! Don’t get us wrong there is PLENTY of porn out there that is totally gross (2 girls 1 cup, anyone…?), but we’ll assume this stash of his doesn’t include any poop, children, snuff, rape, or farm animals. Look, lady, even if it’s not something you use to get off to, porn has plenty of other good uses. Please keep some of the following points in mind when you call porn “gross….”
How do you think your love-machine of a boyfriend learned all those suave bedroom moves in the first place? Yup, thank porn. While you’re at it, thank the “squigglevision” version of the Playboy channel he tried to watch as a kid. Yes, we know it’s not exactly thought of as educational when he’s jerking off to it – but no one can say that he’s necessarily thinking of these slambags and NOT you while he watches/beats off/nails you at a later time. Maybe he’s thinking about doing these same moves with you – you should see it as practice for him, not be threatened by it. We’d say a lot of guys (and we actually asked a few) are not getting off to the guy on screen banging the girl on screen, they’re imagining themselves in similar situations, using the porn as an imaginary guide. Fantasizing is healthy, be glad he’s just thinking about it and not going out with a perma-boner trying to git er done all the time.
Here’s something else to think about: Men are visual creatures! Look at it this way; millions of men spend millions of dollars a year on the sex industry. Why not watch for yourself and get pointers? If so many guys are using this image as their fantasy, not seeing what they’re watching for yourself only hinders your own game. We’re not telling you to run out and get a fucking slutty school girl outfit or get bent over your desk in a skanky lady exec. suit because that’s what men want, but those girls can suck a mean dick! Take a peek; you might learn a thing or two!
Lastly, we feel the need to mention that there’s a slew of lady-friendly, non-raunchy, super sensual, porn out there designed just for ladies like you that don’t like the stigma of objectifying women that goes with regular porn. Try for starters.
If you still feel left out (and are comfortable with the idea), maybe you should suggest watching some together. May we suggest,,755qxnv2,00.html, if you’re into that sort of thing. We say, loosen up! And even if you give it a chance and still think it’s gross, at least let him have his own hand and imagination when you’re not around for Christ’s sake!

Q: Ladies,
I’m dating a new guy that I really like a lot, but he comes with a little bit of baggage. With a little help from some medications he keeps it together, but it’s seriously affecting matters of the bedroom. His sex drive is non-existent and even when he wants to have sex he can hardly keep it up. We’ve talked about it and he even jokingly mentioned my possible need to “look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction” when we first got together. I laughed him off then, but a few months with next to no sex, it doesn’t sound like such a crazy idea. Would it be out of line for me to seriously suggest the idea of an open relationship? How do you even start a conversation like that?

A: Listen, we can’t sugarcoat this for you – so, we’re gonna be really real with you here. This isn’t like a, “Wahhh, I wish you were a better listener…bla bla bla” kind of thing here. There’s a real possibility that this conversation could completely change things between you two. In addition to him probably feeling completely emasculated, unsatisfying and rejected – he may start to look at you differently. This might lead him to break up with you, or resent you for even asking (which down the road could potentially lead to an even uglier break up.) You said he’s joked about it in the past, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s actually cool with some other dude banging his GF. That could quite possibly have been your cue to be all, “WHAT? No way! You and your wet noodle penis are all I’ll ever need!” Put yourself in his shoes (like literally think like you have a limp dick) and see how you would feel. It doesn’t feel good to know you can’t satisfy your partner, does it? That’s not even taking into account whatever “baggage” he’s already dealing with. So with that, we present some suggestions and some advice – read on.

Um, does this dude’s tongue work? We know his sex drive might be low, but that doesn’t mean he can’t go low. Be creative! Maybe you should talk about him using toys on you – or him watching you use them on yourself. Maybe you guys should purchase some of the porn we mentioned or do some other kinky shit we can’t even begin to imagine. We know you’ve only been dating a couple months now, but if he can be this open with you about his medication and problems – then you need to be open with him about your wants and very serious needs. Which brings us to something we think you should consider….How long can you be with someone who can’t please you sexually? We understand everything else is great but sex is a HUGE part of what makes relationships work for both of you – and even if he agrees to your “open relationship” – the long term doesn’t look very prosperous in a situation like that. Whatever you do, just think it through before hand. We don’t know your new guy, only you do. If you really feel like an open relationship is your only answer and you won’t get bitch-slapped for speaking up then go for it. Just be ready for anything. If you don’t think it’s a real possibility, and don’t think he’ll put in the extra man hours of effort muff-diving or he’ll feel like a pussy with a little help from your battery operated friend, then maybe its time to look elsewhere. Upgrade for something new…like we did with this beautiful total facelift redesign! Isn’t it fabulous? Shameless plug. We’re sorry. Spank us.

Q: S&M,
I need help. My birth control is making me crazy! I’ve been on it for the first time for about 3 weeks and I feel like I’m going insane. I cry at nearly everything. Is this craziness going to last forever?

A: We feel you, dude. We both started birth control again around the same time and nearly killed each other in the process. We know you feel crazy, we were crying at TV commercials and having panic attacks over finding our keys or something to wear that covers the 5 lbs extra that inevitably comes with going on most pills. It sucks. We are not real doctors, we’re just 2 jersey broads with a handful of friends slutty enough to educate us just enough to write this column. We hardly have the credibility to give you real advice about medicine. We have however, between the two of us, tried a handful of different forms of birth control and speak only from our own limited experience when we say your temporary insanity is just that: temporary. In our own experience the real erratic craziness is something that starts to subside about a month or two in.

That being said, everyone’s different. Oral BC isn’t for everyone, if you really don’t like how you feel, stop taking it. We only ask that you keep this in mind before you throw in the towel; a five-minute sob-fest over an episode of Extreme Home Makeover is way easier to get over than finding out you’re knocked up. Crying, spotting, and freak-outs suck ass, but keep it in perspective. Two months of feeling a little cuckoo bananas is better than 18 years of putting up with some ungrateful punk of a kid you’re not ready for…not to mention the 9 months of hell in the meantime. You do have options. One of us is pretty much in love with her NuvaRing, which as far as she’s concerned is ADD’s birth control prayers answered. They still make condoms too, don’t forget. There are patches and implants, too. Ask your lady-doctor. If you’re gonna go off the pill, be ready and willing to take other precautions to protect yourself against pregnancy. Got it?

4 thoughts on “Jersey Girls Ain’t Doctors, They Just Play Them On The Internet”

  1. after years (ages 15 – 22) on hormone-based birth control, I finally made the switch to a hormone-free copper IUD (intrauterine device). I have never felt more myself. what a relief. I’m not crazy moody and jealous and anxious. I don’t get migraines anymore. I don’t have to pay for pharmaceuticals every month… I’ve let my amazing body machine get back to it’s normal cycle of hormonal flux.

    it hurts real bad going in. it makes periods heavier. and the way it works has never been completely understood by science. but for the next 12 years I don’t need to worry about making a baby. it’s more effective than using the pill and condoms at the same time. and I can have it out anytime I want if I decide I want to become pregnant.

    as for the heavy period thing: I don’t buy into all this “make your period disappear” craziness that I see on TV and in magazines. we’re women – we shed uterine lining for a reason! embrace it.

    I’m a huge copper IUD (Paragard) advocate. I would love to answer any questions you might have, but I’m not a doctor either.

  2. Not at all. It looks like a 1950s pulp cover, they’re mostly pretty wild.

    It’s there because it’s hilarious, not to denigrate nurses or advocate the smacking of their supple, tender bums.

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