Jersey Girls Say Happy Holla-Ween!

So in honor of the only holiday (besides our birthdays) where’s its socially acceptable to dress like a common whore we’ve decided to talk about sex. This week: virgins, sex noises, and slutty outfits! Let’s dig in…

Q: While shopping for halloween costumes my boyfriend jokingly mentioned that he wouldn’t mind seeing me in some of these sexy costumes under different circumstances, hint hint wink wink. I returned the following day and picked up a slutty French maid outfit. I’ve put it on and taken it off like 10 times. I feel like such a tool! Any tips on doing the whole, “sexy outfit” thing?

A: Ohh, the slutty french maid as opposed to the non-slutty french maid? We may have opted for the whorey school girl or the skanky nurse. Decisions, decisions… Anyway, one of us recently made a hilarious attempt at the “sexy outfit”, so we’ll share with you what we discovered.
We say all the frickin’ time how visual a creature man is, so anything fun and exciting and different to look at is a total bonus. We know it’s easy to feel silly, but this isn’t some stranger, it’s your boyfriend! He already thinks you’re cool enough to be dating, he’ll surely appreciate you puting yourself out there…especially if you’re not generally an extrovert.
We say go for the surprise attack. If you tell him ahead of time or plan it, it feels just that—planned, thus sucking the sexy right out of the room. Especially if you’re already feeling slightly apprehensive to start. If you sneak it up on him, he won’t see it coming so he cant be anything but exicited. When I tried this I pulled the good ol’, “Ima go brush my teeth”. I slipped on my “outfit”, came back expecting to do the fail safe, movie cliche, stand in the doorway in dim light all hot looking. Much to my dismay, he wasn’t in the bed facing me but sitting at his desk with his back to me. I’m a big nerd so i tip-toe ran out back into the hallway to collect myself before he spied me. I took a deep breath and snuck up behind him. He was basically like, “that’s hot and you’re awesome”. You really cant go wrong. I felt like a tool for a sec, too! But it only takes that second before he’s trying to rip your french maid outfit off. Then it’s pretty rad. Go for it! Try not to fill silly, and understand that your scoring points all over the place with this one: you’re a good listener, you know what men like, you have some balls, and your stepping out of your comfort zone. What a good girlfriend you are! Happy holla-ween!

Q: I’ve gone on a few dates with a guy who I really like, but who’s really shy. He has yet to make a move and for some reason I’m starting to think he’s he a virgin? How would I even ask that? Jersey Girls, help!

A: A twenty-something year old virgin? Have you been watching the Pick-Up Artist again? If your gut is telling you that he seems very inexperienced, he might very well be a certified grade A virgin. But, let us say this – it’s not necessarily a bad thing. As many of our fine lady readers can tell you, having horrible-jack hammering-thinks he’s hot shit-can I put it in your butt yet?-crappy-pushy-sex is much worse than dealing with a few “quick ones” with a sweet timid guy. He’s fresh meat my dear, you can warp/train/mold him to do whatever you want; AKA breaking him in! Think of how pleased he’ll be when he realizes you’re not judging him and better yet: want to be his real-life sex-ed teacher! We mean, these things don’t happen over night but with some time, effort and patience you’ll soon forget he’s, “never done this sort of thing before”.
As far as asking goes – just don’t. Let him tell you, because trying to squeeze that info out of him will probably just make him even more insecure about the situation than he already is. You like this dude, right? Your gonna have to (Ugh) be patient here. Yes, being very impatient people ourselves, we know – this just blows. But like everything in life, think of the light (cough, cough orgasms) at the end of the tunnel.

Q: Hey,
I’ll keep it short: what do you do when a guy you’ve slept with makes fun of your sex noises? I mean, I shouldn’t be held accountable for the noises that I make when I’m getting boned?

A: Held accountable? If we were held accountable for shit we’ve said between the sheets we’d probably be behind by bars by now. In fact, where fairly certain one of us even threatened to fuck someone to death before, so whatever guttural grunt or scream you’ve unleashed is absolutely just fine! Sweetheart, we say speak the fuck up!! Your enjoying yourself, correct? He’s actually making you shake and tingle and all that good shit that comes with having awesome sex? Never apologize for your natural sex noises, he’s lucky your comfortable enough to let it go (we mean, we’ve surely apologized for a queef or two but that’s a different kind of sex noise that sometimes sneaks up on you when you least expect it anyways. Oops!). Next time he wants to make fun of you for being loud in the sack ask him if he’d rather you be a boring cadaverous fuck who just lays there in silence like a dead fish. Yeah, we didn’t think so either.
Also keep in mind that he might just be joking around with you. Loosen up a bit. This means he’s not weirded out by you – just comfortable enough with you to say something like that. Isn’t this what they call pillow talk? If it bothers you that much try asking him if he’s ever noticed how curved to one side his cock is or how ugly his face is when he’s shooting a load. That’ll give him enough of a complex to shut him up for a while.
Seriously, don’t feel bad or insecure about whatever you say/scream/moan/growl during sex. Once upon a time one of us even screamed (during) “I met you at the farmers market!” – so, um, beat that.

1 thought on “Jersey Girls Say Happy Holla-Ween!”

  1. where are my f***in egg bagels?!? And some RYE, you hot chics always amaze me and whatever else. KUDOS. Seriously, where are my bagels?! LOL

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