In Cinemas This Week

lobby food Australia
Director: Baz Luhrmann
Starring:  Nichole Kidman, Hugh Jackman, David Wenham, Jack Tompson

With a film shoot beleaguered by unpredictable weather, an outbreak of equine flu, and the complete unmalleability of 78.4% of Nicole Kidman’s face, the production of Australia appears to have been about as enjoyable as mouthful of Vegemite.  Now word has leaked that studio execs pressured Baz Luhrmann to change the film’s tear-jerker ending – which is completely ridiculous because, if history has taught us anything, it’s that Nicole Kidman + tedious epic + dead male lead = box office gold, as with the mega-hit Cold Mountain.  Oh, wait.

Four Christmases
Director: Seth Gordon
Starring: Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspoon, Robert Duvall, Jon Favreau, Mary Steenburgen, Dwight Yoakam, Tim McGraw, Kristin Chenoweth, Jon Voight, Sissy Spacek

The worst thing a woman can do is win an Oscar. If you don’t believe me, then just ask Hillary Swank, Gwyneth Paltrow, or Halle Berry. Lady Oscar delivers a cruel kiss of death, and her latest victim is poor Reese Witherspoon. The reason? This movie. Seriously, this a film worthy of the talents of a Jennifer Aniston, or even a (shudder) Téa Leoni. You know, sadder actresses with personal problems who should be grateful to even book a job. On the plus side though, gals, Reese gets to kiss Jake Gyllenhaal under the mistletoe this Christmas, while the best you’re likely to get is a messy one-nighter with Randy from accounts.

Transporter 3
Director: Olivier Megaton
Starring: Jason Statham

Finally, a movie for everyone! For the lads, Transporter 3 promises to deliver explosions, chases, and exploding chases – all of which boys like, according to my exhaustive research. For the girls and gays, Jason Statham is bound to expose his legendarily sexy chest, which will simultaneously titillate you and make you feel guilty about that extra helping of sweet potato pie that you know you’re going to eat on Thursday.

Nicole Kidman & Hugh Jackman in AUSTRALIA
Nicole Kidman & Hugh Jackman in AUSTRALIA

6 thoughts on “In Cinemas This Week”

  1. joe bernstein

    If you get a chance to see “Frozen River”in a theatre or on DVD when it comes out,don’t miss it.Melissa Leo and Misty Upham turn in great performances in a down to earth truthtelling story with beautiful cinematography.

  2. matthew lawrence

    What’s wrong with Tea Leoni? Flirting With Disaster is like the best movie ever!

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