In Cinemas This Week

Let the Right One In
Director: Tomas Alfredson
Starring: Kare Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson

Scholars predicted that it would take at least 100 years to right the wrongs that tween-tastic Twilight inflicted upon the vampires-on-film genre, but this offering promises to atone for all of those crimes – and then some. Billed as a Swedish romantic horror film, Let the Right One In has received worldwide acclaim both for its beautiful cinematography and director Tomas Alfredson’s masterful restraint. And from a glimpse at the movie’s trailer, the film’s wicked vampire children look adorably evil – a welcomed relief from all the moany Twilight tools lurking around Hot Topic these days.

Cadillac Records
Director: Darnell Martin
Starring: Adrien Brody, Jeffrey Wright, Beyoncé Knowles, Cedric the Entertainer, Mos Def

Sasha Fierce, aka the artist formerly known as bootylicious Beyoncé Knowles, either has amnesia, or has made it some sort of bizarre personal quest to carve a niche portraying songstresses from the days of yore. In 2006, Beyoncé was overshadowed by the significantly more talented Jennifer Hudson portrayed the Diana Ross-inspired Deena Jones in Dreamgirls, and this week she’s serving up her own rendition of Ms Etta James in the ensemble-bloated Cadillac Records. While the film promises to thrill fans of earnest (read: dull) biopics, early critical buzz has been about as promising as the bailout talks for Cadillac Records‘s gas-guzzling namesake.

Nobel Son
Director: Randall Miller
Starring: Alan Rickman, Bryan Greenberg, Mary Steenburgen, Bill Pullman, Danny DeVito

Man, I wish I had a dime for every time I heard someone say ‘when is the new Alan Rickman movie coming out?’ Seriously, if you can’t wait to wank into your Cup Noodles when the next Harry Potter snoozefest comes out, then this little Rickman delight just might tide you over until dinner. And if that angle doesn’t sell it for you, then come feast your Rickman-loving eyes on the film that MSNBC describes as one of the “most unpleasant filmgoing experiences of 2008” – a difficult accolade in a year that’s brought us the likes of The Love Guru and Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Punisher: War Zone
Director: Lexi Alexander
Starring: Ray Stevenson, Dominic West, Doug Hutchinson

The trailer for this film boldly proclaims: RAY STEVENSON. IS. THE PUNISHER! To which I reply: RAY STEVENSON. IS. WHO, EXACTLY? Apparently this is the third installment in the Punisher series, and Mr Stevenson is replacing cinematic heavyweights Dolph Lundgren and Thomas Jane in the much coveted title role. Being a relative n00b in the exciting and rich Punisher universe, I’m definitely unqualified to tell you that this movie will probably make you wish that your parents had considered radical forms of birth control; but I have a sneaking suspicion that if you spend your precious recession dollars to see this movie, then the only person who will be punished is yourself.