Jersey Girls Would Like You To Wax Your Balls

Its been awhile since we’ve heard from our lovely Jersey Girls, now that they’re bi-coastal (one living on the East Coast, the other living on the Jersey Coast) it’s been even harder for them to get their shit together. Plus they have jobs now. Whatever, here’s the latest insanity from Providence’s most reliable advice mavens.

Dear Ladies, So, my thoughtless boyfriend made a joke about the idea of getting me a Brazilian wax as a Hannukah gift this year. At first I laughed along with his joke, when I thought he wasn’t serious. The second he said it the feminist bone in my body started to stiffen. Am I rude to tell him to fuck off and that a wax is sexist and a blatant gift for himself. I mean, I’ve been known to slack on the shaving, but whatever. I don’t feel the need to get waxed just because some dude wants me to!

A: What? You mean having the sensitive little hairs around your labia and asshole ripped out with hot wax by some burly European named Helga doesn’t sound like a thoughtful gift to you? I totally understand that you don’t want to succumb to the ideals of the American man’s fantasy of a hairless, porny, smooth like a baby’s-ass-like pussy. But think about how sweet it would be to have a smooth like a baby’s-ass-like pussy!? I mean, a free wax is a free wax, I say take the gift card and run to the nearest reputable salon. Why not? Besides, you said this was a Hannukah gift? With a last name that ends in “man”, “berg”, or, “stein” (I’ll leave it at that to maintain what little anonymity I have left, haha) I know for a fact you could use that wax. As co-Jewesses we both know that you’re hairy as a mother-fucker. Don’t get defensive, you probably have an amazing rack just like myself to compensate like the rest of us do. If you’re feeling that defiant make him come too. Maybe he’ll change his tune when his balls are on the waxing table.

Look, if you really hate the idea just tell him so. We’ll assume that your man know this feminist bone lies within you, we’re sure he won’t be shocked. You could get him something equally uncomfortable and rude like a belly dancing class to help work off the beer gut you never make him feel insecure about. Nothing says “I Love You” at the holidays like the gift of a prostate exam! Or, you could go the selfish gift route. Why not get him a subscription to Bust, the new Britney CD, and a case of you’re favorite wine that he doesn’t drink?

Q: Dear Jersey Girls,

My boyfriend and I are doing a long distance OPEN relationship thing while we attend different colleges. While I’m fairly certain he wouldn’t actually be physical with other girls, I have lightly made-out with and messed around with a guy friend or two in the last few months. I love my boyfriend, and I’m not pursuing anything beyond a drunken kiss with these other guys. We’re gonna see each other for the first time in a few months over break. We agreed to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, but I know him…and he’s gonna ask. Do I have to own up, or can this be my little secret since it doesn’t mean anything?

A: Doesn’t mean anything? Mehhhh, I’m not so sure about that. I think it means a few things…

First of all, it sounds like you think your BF is a chump! “Oh he’d never actually do anything…I’m just gonna get drunk and hook-up with this great ‘friend’ I have that’ll have to smile in his face when he comes to visit. I just love him so much! Hope he doesn’t find out I’m a college party lipslut!” Let me just say quickly that a lot of times it’s the ones you think “would never” that do. While I’m sure you’ve got your man on a short leash like you claim, don’t be toooo sure. It might just bite you in the ass.

Secondly, and I’m just throwing it out there…if you really want to kiss other boys then why don’t you, oh I don’t know—get single? No one would fault you for wanting to play the field while you’re in school and your sig. other is miles away. He sounds pretty smitten with you, why drag him through the mud? Maybe you should give a little thought to being single; especially if you’re pretty sure he’s not the wandering type–while you, no offense, sound like you might be. College is for threesomes, experimenting with other women (although a Puerto Rican friend of mine told me ‘only white girls’ do that. Is that true?), partying, and otherwise acting like a whore in a place where hopefully no one from your high school lives. Having a totally sweet and committed boyfriend who would let you smear poop on his heart all day is a total downer when you’ve just owned 3 games of flip-cup and you’re ready to get your freak on. Just saying…

Now that I‘ve lectured you a bit, I’ll attempt to answer the question you actually asked for my opinion on. Truth be told, a drunken meaningless kiss is usually just that and I’d be a liar if I said I hadn’t had my own little slip-ups in the past. I think that the answer to whether or not you need to blow up your own spot lies in how you define a lot of things. What does an “open relationship” mean to you? Does it mean the same thing to your boyfriend? Would you be pissed if he told you he did the same thing? Does “lightly made out and messed around with” mean to you the same thing it means to me? (Because if it does you’ve gotten head from all these guys and that’s really gonna piss your boyfriend off.)

Look, he wants to know what you’re up to because he cares about you and doesn’t want to lose you. Let me guess, this “open” thing was your idea? I say be honest with the guy. If you technically didn’t break any rules, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. I think what you need to learn over your holiday break with him is whether or not you two are on the same page. I’m not knocking open relationships; they work splendidly for a lot of people, but only when everyone is in on it. If you feel like you need to keep things from him, you’re dong it to protect his feelings…so if you know you’re doing something that’s going to hurt his feeling—then don’t do it. See what I mean? Man up and spill the beans, or learn from your little predicament and keep your junk locked up! I say dump him. If you love him let him go…and if he’s pathetic enough to wait around for you while you whore it out for the next four years, then he’s yours to keep. Lucky you!

Dear S&M,

My ex boyfriend and I recently got back together, and my friends can’t stand him. This will be the 3rd time we’ve dated, and my friends say they won’t put up with it. They refuse to go out with us, (even in a group of people) and won’t even be in the same room as him. I can’t believe they are making me choose, is there anything I can do to fix this?

Ah, ex boyfriends. Aren’t they exes for a reason?

Listen, no one (not even your friends) can dictate what you can do. But they can get sick of hearing your dramatic flip-flop relationship. Imagine being them. Think about all the times they were there for you when you broke up. They helped you get through that, right? They told you that you could do better, and tried to help you get over it. Then, then – you go back to him, and it’s the same cycle all over again. The point? It’s frustrating and people get sick of hearing you. You become the girl who cries boyfriend, and really, that’s just annoying.

Since we’ve been that friend before, we can say the choice isn’t easy, but it’s a choice we have had to make. In the long run though, we’ve been right –- and thankful we didn’t have to hear your pouting once again.

So can you fix this? No, not really. Just like they did, it’s rather apparent you’ve made a choice — and, well, you chose your scumbag ex boyfriend. Yes, that’s harsh, but they aren’t obligated to deal with it again and we don’t blame them. No, you probably won’t be able to convince them otherwise, so if you want them in your life, you might have to try and juggle both if you care about them like you should. Yeah, Good Luck with that.

I just found out my current boyfriend had sex with a hooker a couple months back. I’m not supposed to know this, but a mutual friend slipped up and told me. I want to confront him about it, but:

A) I don’t want my friend getting snagged

B) I don’t have a problem with it; I just want to address it.

First, please don’t make us ask if you’ve been tested yet. Second, keep your pretty mouth shut! We know it’s tempting to bring it up or to at least try to pry it out of him with hints and innocent, curious questioning; but more often than not he’ll beat around the bush and avoid the question all together. He’s probably not proud of the fact he slept with a prostitute — ask yourself if you would you be. We’re not privy to the details of this one, and you probably aren’t either- so finding out might be close to impossible. Speaking of impossible, unless he takes it upon himself to tell you, you’ll most likely give up your friend in the process anyways.

Please take into consideration that perhaps he’s not telling you because he cares about you, and he doesn’t want you to judge him. Yes, we know he told his friend (who we will assume is a dude) – but that’s completely different. They are boyz, no?

We don’t know your relationship, that’s between you two – but if he wants to tell you one day, he will. Mum’s the word with this one Sister. But, if the question of why still plagues, maybe these johns can help.

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