My fellow fallen Cat’lics, here’s yet another reason to avoid midnight mass this year: Pope Benedict has declared that stamping out homosexuality is as important a task as saving the rainforests. “The tropical forests do deserve our protection. But man, as a creature, does not deserve any less,” quoth Big Papa B. “[The Church] should also protect man from the destruction of himself. A sort of ecology of man is needed.” The pontiff then urged for the eradication of heterosexual dogging, couple swapping, and hard-bondage orgies without safety words – a fight that he said was just as paramount as the migration towards wind, solar, and hydro energy as a means to reduce greenhouse emissions.
To be honest, nobody has ever compared me to mass deforestation before; and while I’m not sure how my buggery displaces indigenous people or accelerates the extinction of the red-eyed tree frog, I can’t help but take the Pope’s wisdom as a wonderful Christmas compliment.