Big Ones, Blagojevich Style

I’m sure at some point on your I-95 travels you’ve encountered a large automobile with truck nuts — the tackiest must-have auto accessory since the dream catcher. Truck nuts serve the dual purpose of allowing the owner to feel comfortable about their own meager serving of god-given gonads while simultaneously alerting other travelers that they’re driving behind somebody with all the intelligence, class, and wit of a Larry the Cable Guy film.

I’m reminded of truck nuts — and straight men’s obsession with a set of low-hangers — with the breaking news that, despite a month’s worth Frankenstein-esque media lynching, fucktard Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has named former attorney general Roland Burris to fill Obama’s vacant senate seat.

If you were a disgraced governor with a questionable coiffure would you:
a.) bow out gracefully, dedicating the rest of your life to hair accessories and quiet contemplation, or
b.) appoint a black, senior politician to the seat you allegedly attempted to sell, create a predictably uproarious race-centric political backlash, and prove once and for all that men with truly big balls don’t need silly car accessories.

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