Ok, so I know it’s been entirely too long. One half of your beloved Jersey Girls followed her heart back to the motherland, North Jersey. The other ho is back and more than ready to take on your hardest, grossest, weirdest, funniest questions. With some newfound singledom I now again have the freedom and blood alcohol content to act in ways that make me qualified enough to write this lovely column. You know, like the old days! I’m sure all you dirtbags have been up to no good in my absence. We’re doing a super-sized column this week, and we have pulled from a few questions we received during our hiatus. Let’s get down to it…
Q: Dear S,
My new girlfriend likes it really rough during sex. She asks me to slap her, hit her, she wraps my hand around her throat and asks me to choke her, etc. The sex is great, but I’m not sure I can keep up with the beatings. Can I ask that we sometimes just have normal, nice sex without the bloodshed once in a while?
A: Of course you can ask to make sweet gentle love sometimes. Rough sex is fun, but evenone has diffrent limits and those limits need to be crystal clear. So long as you’re not uncomfortable smacking that ass when she’s been a naughty girl I think you should run with this.
When it comes to working out your kinks, I’m pretty much as open minded as they come (except for when it comes to pee-pee and doody, that’s where I draw the line…). So long as it’s welcome, a choke hold or spanking can be pretty fucking fun, and from a personal standpoint, I say welcome this kind of thing with arms wide open…or bound to your headboard. Same difference.
As for your real question, you can def ask to slow down and sweeten it up once in a while. Trust, if she is comfy enough with you to ask you to choke her out, you don’t have to feel lame for making requests.
Q: Jersey Girl,
I am totally grossed out by anal stuff in general. Even though for some reason my boyfriend is more than infatuated with asses. The other night when he was going down on me he may have grazed my “bottom”. I really kind of liked it but am having trouble with the idea of letting him full out go for it. Any suggestions?
A: You are a pervert. I bet you open-mouth kissed him afterwards too, you dirty girl. I know I’m not supposed to hold back just because my father reads this column, so I’ll try to put this as honestly and delicately as possible by quoting classic rap song, “Put it in your Mouth”, by Akinyele. The classy young female on this track, whoever she may be, says:
“I’m always sprung once I feel your tongue…In the crack of my ass”
And I gotta tell you, I know many of other classy young females who share that exact sentiment. I’ve never been into butts much myself, but many people close to me call me a fool. I say, to each their own. Maybe you felt funny about it before, but now you got a taste…or I guess your boyfriend did, and you liked it! So try it again and see what you think. I mean, he’s the one that wants to eat your butt, so how are you any more or less of a weirdo for letting him? I say go for it, you never know. I used to find goat cheese utterly repulsive, got a little taste by accident one time and now I’d fucking put that shit on ice cream. Seriously.
Q: So a couple of weeks ago, I went out with a good friend and her good guy friend, with whom I’m casually acquainted. In the haze of alcohol we shared a brief kiss on the dance floor. Fast forward to bed time, my good friend takes the couch, and I get to bunk with him—on his insistence. I try to catch some sleep when I hear, “So we’re not gonna make out at all?” I kinda try to laugh it off, but he gets serious. He insists that our “moment” on the dance floor was the product of chemistry and he’s been attracted to me for a long time. How’s one supposed to gently reject someone who’s genuinely cool, but has slept with two of your friends, and just plain not attractive to?
A: Ughh, boys are so thick sometimes. Sometimes when you’re murdering the dance floor there’s a moment where you just need to make out! Don’t go taking it all seriously, bro! Blame it on the vodka, blame it on the Henny.
Honestly, reject this dude firmly because he obviously has balls of steel to be making moves on you with two of your friends’ notches on his bedpost. I mean, just because he’s a “close friend of a close friend” doesn’t mean you can’t palm his face like a basketball if he oversteps his bounds. Sometimes a “close friend of a friend” pukes on the foozball table at a house party. That doesn’t make it ok. That being said, you are trying to avoid awkwardness since the two of you will likely have to sit across from each other at breakfast in the morning. I would tell him exactly what you told me: “You already nailed two of my friends, what did you think? The third time was a charm?” You can obviously omit the fact that you’re not particularly attracted to him. I think that his history with your girlfriends is more than enough of a legit excuse not to make out with this guy. Not that you need one other than, “I don’t want to”.
As a side note – Why do dudes think it’s cool to take their silly little unimpressive poles and keep fishing in the same tiny pond. They keep catching fish, throwing them back, and try to snag another one from the same school! Idiot boys. The fish are not that dumb
Q: I have been dating someone for about 6 months. Everything is great, except I keep thinking about my ex, even during sex. I am starting to feel very guilty about this. What does this mean? Am I a bad person?
A: No you’re not a bad person for thinking about your ex! You’re human. Although, there are certain factors that could make you more/less shitty of a person.
Are you constantly thinking about your ex? Do you think about actually contacting/seeing/fucking your ex? Do you need to be thinking about your ex to get your nut off whilst with your current partner? These are all big red flags.
If this one that got away is just someone you give occasional thought to, that’s natural. But if this is something that consumes you, you probably shouldn’t be with anybody yet. It’s not really fair to give like 67% to someone who’s giving you 100. Relationships are about balance and shit.
Q: Why do guys like tittyfucking? As a girl I get nothing out of it. I get lots of requests for this. What’s the point?
A: As a large breasted woman, every dude that I have ever been with has tried to put his dick between my boobies and I have never understood it. The bigger my tits are, the smaller your dick looks! Anyways, here’s my theory: All women know that tittyfucking is pointless. It stimulates nothing other than our sense of trying to avoid a load in the face. But truth be told, who is tittyfucking hurting? Some dudes just LOVE breasts, and even moreso the idea of having thier dick near them. If it doesn’t hurt you, degrade you, bring you actual disomfort in any way, why deny him? It might make him really happy, and if you like the guy I say just humor him for 5 minutes.
[If porn has taught us anything, it’s that guys really like rubbing their dicks on things. Don’t over-analyze it. –Eric]
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