Dear Everyone, Especially Three Girls I Have Seen In The Last Ten Minutes,
Furry moccasins are NOT cute. Moccasins maybe, but certainly not the kind that looks like a sheep-monster is living inside your footwear and trying to devour you from the bottom up. Don’t listen to what people tell you, they’re not cute. Ever. Especially when it’s wet outside and you live in a city. Stop acting like you’re Cameron Diaz three years ago planning her wedding that never happened. Take them off, donate them, whatever, and get yourself something cute, because unless you’re actually making some kind of human-sheep pyramid, then your feet should not be that woolly in public.
Also, if you insist on wearing these hateful slippers from Hell, and for some reason think they’re cute and appropriate to wear outside your home, PLEASE don’t wear them with tights like one girl that I just saw. ESPECIALLY if you are wearing RIPPED tights. RIPPED SILVER TIGHTS with BEIGE SHEEPSKIN SLIPPERS. I mean really.
Love,
The Rest of the World
PS–Where in God’s name are you getting these terrible monstrosities? I’ve spent the last half-hour looking online at terrible, terrible shoes trying to find a picture of the right pair, but they’re nowhere to be found. Not here or here or here or here or here or here or even here. They’re almost like this hideous pair, but they’re a little less UGGy, which means that they don’t even keep you warm. Are you custom-making these? Why?
PPS–I think I need to lie down with a cold compress on my head. If you evilly befooted Brown girls make me miss Angela Davis this afternoon I’m going to be sooooo mad.
Dude, your ass is ours. Sleep with your eyes open.
But they are ever so chic Dahling! Don’t you ever get into Downtown? They look best with a pair of Pajama bottoms and a puffy down jacket!
Do you think they can run fast in them?
Matt, you realize the Jersey Girls are going to fuck you up over this…they both wear these. It was nice knowing you.